Perfect Timing or Divine Intervention?

T I M I N G

Timing is everything.... or so I believe.  There are moments in our lives when we wish things would happen.... but they dont.  Then there are things that we wish would never occur, but they do..all at what seems to be the most inconvienent of times....These things seem to bother us because we feel as if nothing ever seems to happen at the "right time" or "when the time is right".... both phrases thrown around quite often...

Our days seems to be filled with "what ifs" or "if only's"....

I think of this and I am reminded of many late night convorsations with my mom.....For reasons unknown, I have always felt as if I am able to feel the presence of loved ones soon after they pass... Not in a Sylvia Brown psychic way... I haven't gone that crazy yet...but I feel their presence in ways that I believe are sent by God. Whether it be through a dream (such as after my grandfather died), in a cool breeze on a hot day, or through the sun breaking through the clouds just at "the perfect time".

Yet for my mother, her heart has been aching because she hasn't had any of those moments, which only add to her feelings of being truely alone...."Just a sign is all I want" she had mentioned soon after the accident.... "A sign that he is still with me"....but 2 months passed without anything.

My heart ached for her... because after all, how can you help someone with something such as that?  There is no dream factory where I can go create a "feel-better-he-is-still-with-you" dream and have it mailed to her the next day.... I'm not God, I can't provide her with a sense of peace when the nights are long and dark..So I did the only thing I knew to do... and that was pray... better yet, BEG, God to help her realize that our lives do not end here.... to help her see that even though my daddy is not here physically, their love WAS and IS SO STRONG that it can still be felt by her...if she would only take the time to BE STILL.. I prayed for him to work fast... because her faith and mine was beginning to fade....and my trust in God is already at a minimal level....Yet, this brings me back to timing....I was asking God to do something on my time... not his... because after all, my purpose and reasoning behind my request is much greater than his reason for responding or not responding....was it silly to think so? yes...and I realize this even more so now..

It was Monday afternoon, mom stayed home from work because physically, she wasn't feeling well...
Mentally, she is still struggling, as am I..but I think we have become so used to feeling "out of the ordinary" that feeling this way has somehow become our ordinary. 

      It was around 4:30 pm when sudddenly, I realized that I hadn't spoken to her since eight o'clock that morning...I worried..... because since "that day", I worry when I don't hear from her. Actually.... I panic..(but this is something that I am working on..one day at a time).After being unable to reach her on the phone, I decided to drive to her house... when I pulled up to the house and noticed that her truck was not in the drive-way.... I immediately begin to think the worst... (which is another habit I am working on..) ..... But before I can send myself into a frenzy, my heart is comforted when I see her pull into the end of the long gravel drive....

We meet in the middle and roll our windows down to speak...  I tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT, I try to play it off as if I am joking with her, but inside I am fighting back the tears... She smiles and apologizes....it's a half-hearted smile, but still, a smile...

Yet... somewhere underneath that smile, something is different.... I know my mother...I know her faces and what they mean.  When I was a child she used to tell me that she could always tell how I was feeling, just by looking at my eyes.  Now, as if the roles are reversed.... I look at her eyes and I know.... I know she is feeling pain....But for some reason...... the pain seems to have a bitter-sweet after taste. I tell her that I love her, something I am ALWAYS sure to do now... and I take Bennett home to rest for a while.. yet, a voice is telling me to call her... to really make sure she is okay. It is when I make this phone call that I learn something unexpected. God has given her the moment she has been yearning for, for so long.

   She had gone to the cemetary that afternoon.... something she does quite often.  She too talks to Tommy.  I sit here now wondering what she says to him.... I wonder how much her pain hurts... because mine, at times, feels debilitating.  She tells me, her voice shaking, that while she was standing over his grave... she noticed what looked like a soccer ball a few graves over.  Naturally, she became angry... the thought of children playing in the very place her beloved has been laid to rest was infuriating.  But before the negative emotion could grab a hold of her too tightly, she noticed a little black dog walking towards the ball.  She knelt down to call him, but he ignored her efforts to ignite any sort of companionship.  The dog simply went about his business...pouncing on the ball and entertaining himself...

She tells me that she doesn't think any thing else of the dog or the ball.... she just says her goodbyes to my daddy, like I often do, and walks to her truck.... not feeling anymore "over it" than she did before.

When she begins to tell me what happens next.... her voice becomes even more unsteady.. and she has to take several pauses to get through. Ever since the accident happened, my mom hasn't been able to listen to the radio, she keeps it turned off.  Anyone who has ever been heartbroken or has lost someone can relate.  It is almost as if every song has some part to it that will bring back memories or remind you of that person...Nevermind the fact that as she was pulling my dad out of the car... the radio was still on... 107.9, one of Tommy's favorite stations..

She tells me that she climbs into her F-350 Diesel and turns the key to allow the glow plugs to warm before she fully turns the key over.  As she is doing this... she notices that the little black dog has picked up his ball and has taken it over to where she had been standing... right there at my daddy's grave... where he sits and looks at her.......

Then she hears it......

the radio..... it is on.... and a certain song is playing.... a song that she tells me she has heard a thousand times before... but for some reason, never noticed the last verse and it is this verse that is playing as soon as she turns the key.  The verse that holds the message that God has been saving for her.  A message from my daddy to his wife....

"I've read somewhere statistics show
the man's always the first to go
And that makes sense, cause I know she wont be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any

I hope she takes her time
cause I dont mind, waitin' on a woman

Honey take your time....
cause I dont mind, waiting on a woman"

- Brad Paisley "Waiting on a Woman"

God didn't send my mom a "sign" or "message from above" when she asked for it.... he sent it to her when she needed it....

So mom, if you are reading this....remember.....take your time... because Daddy doesn't mind, waiting on a woman........