Kahlil Gibran

Today is Bennett's 3 month birthday! yes..I am one of those mothers.... I keep up with every week... and until he is one year old, we will have monthly birthdays....decision final :)

And yes, that means it has been 3 months since the accident.  It is crazy how fast time goes by when it creeps along so slowly...

Bennett has started using his hands more and more... he will lay on his play mat and try so hard to get the bird or the elephant hanging above him... he lays there and just coos and babbles on and on.... I could watch him for hours.. literally.  I've been noticing that the most dominant hand is his left hand...even Josh mentioned the fact that he is so good at reaching and grasping with it.

Josh also mentioned something about Bennett not being able to use his guns to hunt IF he is left handed..

Found out tonight from my mom that Tommy was left handed.....

coincidence?

maybe so.... but to me, I find comfort even in something as small as that..


Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."



And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Catching emotions off guard...

E M O T I O N S

There are many of them...some bring on a sense of happiness, calmness, and serenity.  While others can bring about feelings of fear, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed.

When someone goes through a life-altering event, it is quite obvious to say that they will experience what I like to call an emotional rollercoaster.  With the same ups,downs, and sometimes the feeling of falling (out of control that is) as you would find on a ride at Disney World..However, I believe that the hardest emotions are the ones that catch you off guard.  The ones that seemed as if they were hiding behind some corner waiting for you to turn your back and then suddenly, they slam you.  I find this tends to happen at the most "inappropriate" of times..such as when you are in public. Then there you are..... the strange person crying or panicking, for what seems to a stranger, no apparent reason.... I'm pretty sure I have walked away from a place leaving a few people wondering, "what in the hell is wrong with that girl...." 

If only they knew....

The past couple of weeks have been busy.. which has been nice. A good escape from MY reality into the reality of the real world is a welcomed vacation. Our store participated in the chirstmas show at the Greenville Convention Center... which took a lot of preparation and time for those who helped make it all happen.  I tried to be the go between person, hanging around just in case they needed an extra hand.

However, I don't know, now looking back, if I was much help... Realizing that being in the christmas spirit is not something that is at the top of my list these days....But for Bennett.... I try

I walked between booths..looking at what everyone had to offer.  The place was crowded... christmas lights and decorations adorned every wall... a gift for every occasion....

whatever you needed...it was there.  I noticed that people looked happy.... happy and excited.......

I'm jealous.

I stopped by a particular booth... something about their setup caught my eye.. and for a brief second, I felt that twinge of holiday spirit...until I saw the picture frame.  An ivory frame... delicate, oranate, and beautiful..with words written in scrolling. 
At the top were written two words:  Me & Grandaddy
At the bottom: We're Best Buddies

See... here comes that whole.... suprise emotion element.... and all of a sudden, there I am... In public, in a convention center with over 3,000 people walking around... and I start to sob.

I get the weird looks.... then there are a few that stare at me oddly and say "honey, are you okay"...  and all I can do is cry... first suprise emotion: Sadness... second suprise emotion: Now im embarassed.... then the third one creeps up.. I become angry.. Angry at the fact that I am crying in public... (because like I mentioned, I am embarassed).. and angry that I have to feel like this... over one stupid picture frame.  (that is how I refer to it now... "the stupid picture frame"... defense mechanism I guess).

Or I hear people mention grandfathers and their love for their grandchildren.. and my heart breaks over and over and over.... and one million times over again.  My daddy was supposed to be able to be that way...like the frame said, he and Bennett were going to be best buddies.... He already knew it...He would tell me that when Bennett got older.. he was going to buy him his first pony and teach him how to ride... because after all, he already had a saddle for him to ride in...a small 13" saddle that used to be mine.  Tommy had saved it for Bennett...

But what can I do?  Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and putting a smile on my face is hard enough..

Now here I am... right in the middle of the holiday-season... when my holiday has been swept out from underneath me...I want so desperately to have the old innocent feelings back.  The feelings that you had when you were a child.... how special they were... and how long ago that was...

This year will be the hardest.. that's what everyone says...

Do I want to decorate for christmas? No...
Do I want to eat thanksgiving? No..

but for my Bennett... I will try my best.. that's all I can promise...I will try.  I am fortunate enough that this year he wont be able to tell how hard this will be.  He isn't expecting any presents or a huge christmas tree and that takes a load off of my shoulders..all he needs is his family.. and perfectly enough... my family is all that I want.

I'm looking at my coffee table now... and on the corner is a book we all know very well..

The Night Before Christmas..

I'm taken back to all of the years I had that read to me on christmas eve... The lights are low and i'm snuggled up next to my mom in bed.... anxiously waiting to fall asleep..just to wake up for Santa...and it is this vision that gives me the drive to create these special memories for Bennett.

So this year... during thanksgiving & during christmas.. and even until new years day... I will try my hardest.. and yes, I will probably faulter here and there... but I will try my best to give my baby a special first holiday

It will be our first without my Daddy... but our first with Bennett....
The worst of times and the best of times....they love to come at once..

But I know we will get through this together..... I have good friends and what little family I have left.. I will cling tightly too... because even though these moments coming up are the hardest to bare.. They will be the beginning of special memories for Bennett...and so with that, I am going to take the book off of my coffee table and carry it upstairs to his nursery.. where it will sit on his table until christmas eve.  Then he and I will snuggle in our chair, with the lights low, and begin our first holiday memory of many to come...

And then.... maybe just then... I will feel that old holiday spirit trying to creep back in. This time, a suprise emotion that I will gladly welcome.

Perfect Timing or Divine Intervention?

T I M I N G

Timing is everything.... or so I believe.  There are moments in our lives when we wish things would happen.... but they dont.  Then there are things that we wish would never occur, but they do..all at what seems to be the most inconvienent of times....These things seem to bother us because we feel as if nothing ever seems to happen at the "right time" or "when the time is right".... both phrases thrown around quite often...

Our days seems to be filled with "what ifs" or "if only's"....

I think of this and I am reminded of many late night convorsations with my mom.....For reasons unknown, I have always felt as if I am able to feel the presence of loved ones soon after they pass... Not in a Sylvia Brown psychic way... I haven't gone that crazy yet...but I feel their presence in ways that I believe are sent by God. Whether it be through a dream (such as after my grandfather died), in a cool breeze on a hot day, or through the sun breaking through the clouds just at "the perfect time".

Yet for my mother, her heart has been aching because she hasn't had any of those moments, which only add to her feelings of being truely alone...."Just a sign is all I want" she had mentioned soon after the accident.... "A sign that he is still with me"....but 2 months passed without anything.

My heart ached for her... because after all, how can you help someone with something such as that?  There is no dream factory where I can go create a "feel-better-he-is-still-with-you" dream and have it mailed to her the next day.... I'm not God, I can't provide her with a sense of peace when the nights are long and dark..So I did the only thing I knew to do... and that was pray... better yet, BEG, God to help her realize that our lives do not end here.... to help her see that even though my daddy is not here physically, their love WAS and IS SO STRONG that it can still be felt by her...if she would only take the time to BE STILL.. I prayed for him to work fast... because her faith and mine was beginning to fade....and my trust in God is already at a minimal level....Yet, this brings me back to timing....I was asking God to do something on my time... not his... because after all, my purpose and reasoning behind my request is much greater than his reason for responding or not responding....was it silly to think so? yes...and I realize this even more so now..

It was Monday afternoon, mom stayed home from work because physically, she wasn't feeling well...
Mentally, she is still struggling, as am I..but I think we have become so used to feeling "out of the ordinary" that feeling this way has somehow become our ordinary. 

      It was around 4:30 pm when sudddenly, I realized that I hadn't spoken to her since eight o'clock that morning...I worried..... because since "that day", I worry when I don't hear from her. Actually.... I panic..(but this is something that I am working on..one day at a time).After being unable to reach her on the phone, I decided to drive to her house... when I pulled up to the house and noticed that her truck was not in the drive-way.... I immediately begin to think the worst... (which is another habit I am working on..) ..... But before I can send myself into a frenzy, my heart is comforted when I see her pull into the end of the long gravel drive....

We meet in the middle and roll our windows down to speak...  I tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT, I try to play it off as if I am joking with her, but inside I am fighting back the tears... She smiles and apologizes....it's a half-hearted smile, but still, a smile...

Yet... somewhere underneath that smile, something is different.... I know my mother...I know her faces and what they mean.  When I was a child she used to tell me that she could always tell how I was feeling, just by looking at my eyes.  Now, as if the roles are reversed.... I look at her eyes and I know.... I know she is feeling pain....But for some reason...... the pain seems to have a bitter-sweet after taste. I tell her that I love her, something I am ALWAYS sure to do now... and I take Bennett home to rest for a while.. yet, a voice is telling me to call her... to really make sure she is okay. It is when I make this phone call that I learn something unexpected. God has given her the moment she has been yearning for, for so long.

   She had gone to the cemetary that afternoon.... something she does quite often.  She too talks to Tommy.  I sit here now wondering what she says to him.... I wonder how much her pain hurts... because mine, at times, feels debilitating.  She tells me, her voice shaking, that while she was standing over his grave... she noticed what looked like a soccer ball a few graves over.  Naturally, she became angry... the thought of children playing in the very place her beloved has been laid to rest was infuriating.  But before the negative emotion could grab a hold of her too tightly, she noticed a little black dog walking towards the ball.  She knelt down to call him, but he ignored her efforts to ignite any sort of companionship.  The dog simply went about his business...pouncing on the ball and entertaining himself...

She tells me that she doesn't think any thing else of the dog or the ball.... she just says her goodbyes to my daddy, like I often do, and walks to her truck.... not feeling anymore "over it" than she did before.

When she begins to tell me what happens next.... her voice becomes even more unsteady.. and she has to take several pauses to get through. Ever since the accident happened, my mom hasn't been able to listen to the radio, she keeps it turned off.  Anyone who has ever been heartbroken or has lost someone can relate.  It is almost as if every song has some part to it that will bring back memories or remind you of that person...Nevermind the fact that as she was pulling my dad out of the car... the radio was still on... 107.9, one of Tommy's favorite stations..

She tells me that she climbs into her F-350 Diesel and turns the key to allow the glow plugs to warm before she fully turns the key over.  As she is doing this... she notices that the little black dog has picked up his ball and has taken it over to where she had been standing... right there at my daddy's grave... where he sits and looks at her.......

Then she hears it......

the radio..... it is on.... and a certain song is playing.... a song that she tells me she has heard a thousand times before... but for some reason, never noticed the last verse and it is this verse that is playing as soon as she turns the key.  The verse that holds the message that God has been saving for her.  A message from my daddy to his wife....

"I've read somewhere statistics show
the man's always the first to go
And that makes sense, cause I know she wont be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any

I hope she takes her time
cause I dont mind, waitin' on a woman

Honey take your time....
cause I dont mind, waiting on a woman"

- Brad Paisley "Waiting on a Woman"

God didn't send my mom a "sign" or "message from above" when she asked for it.... he sent it to her when she needed it....

So mom, if you are reading this....remember.....take your time... because Daddy doesn't mind, waiting on a woman........

Fear Becomes Me..

F E A R

Fear.....according to Webster is this: 1. (noun)- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; it is the feeling or condition of being afraid. Concern or anxiety; solicitude: such as a fear for someone's safety.

Before August 23... I could tell you what I thought fear was. Like a child in a spelling Bee, if I had been asked to "use the word a sentence", I would have said something simple...something ordinary. Such as, I have a fear of spiders. Or, I am afraid of storms.

Now....... fear has a new meaning to me....my fears are over whelming and consuming. I fear loss, I fear death, I fear the fact that I have no control over my life...no control what-so-ever. And it is the realization of this, that creates my biggest fear of all.

When you become a new mother...your mind naturally goes through times that you worry. You worry if you are providing what your child truely needs.  You worry about germs..which leads you to constantly encourage those around you to sanitize their hands..Thus, I now have dozens of bottles of purell always within reach.  You fear the day your child becomes sick.. or maybe gets a scratch or a bruise. All of these worries.. natural... and yet, understandable. But how do you deal with worry and fear that are outside of  what people claim to be normal and acceptable?

Nights are difficult on their own... my mind ridden with thoughts of my father and how or IF I am ever going to be able to be as happy as I was before that day.... will my family ever feel complete again?  Afterall, it took me a long time to ever gain what family I had ....just for it to be swept out from underneath me... abruptly....suddenly...and with utter cruelty...

Now a new fear has reared its ugly head....the fear of losing my baby..

I think back to the day I had Bennett... I am nervous and anxious, as any woman who is about to experience such a life changing event would be.  Yet, the nervousness and anxiety, is outlined with a golden light of joy and excitement.  I am vulnerable... completely open.... and uninhibited.  I am worried of my son's safety.. and slightly of mine...As for everyone else... they never cross my mind. Not once did I have reason to believe that I should worry if my parents were safe.. or for that fact, alive..My husband is by my side... I am happy, fulfilled.. and finally, I feel complete.

...all is well...

Now... those feelings are gone...happiness comes and goes, I feel unfulfilled... and am I feeling complete? hardly. All because of my fear..

My fear that if I turn my back for one second...something may happen to my baby. Something that can hurt him..and honestly, i worry about something happening that would take HIM away from me... because maybe God doesn't think I've earned the right to keep such a wonderful child..

 I'm just sitting here.... waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I fear falling asleep...my mind fears that sleep will bring with it unawareness.... the unawareness that could keep me from saving my child if he were to need me... I try to tell myself.. and I am fully aware that this is becoming a slight neurosis.... but how do I stop? 

How can I fully let go and trust that all will be well...For, the very last time I did... my world fell to pieces...
Someone...tell me how....I am desperate for an answer....yet, I never seem to get one..

I think of this... and once again, I am taken back to that moment... the moment I knew..

I am laying in the hospital bed...slightly afraid.. my mind is racing.. it had been two hours since my parents had left...and I was enjoying the time with my son & my husband.  The two loves of my life. 
Josh gets up from beside me..."to go get a drink" he says...he promises me that he will be back soon.

I now remember noticing that his phone had kept ringing....over and over and over..I slightly wondered what that was about...but I brush it off as ordinary..The room is dark... and silent. I convince myself that I will nap until he returns.. and I lay there...with a feeling in my heart that something is not right...time passes...and the fear continues to grow.

A C-section takes a toll on your body.  You can't reach for things, you can't sit up easily... and what I was soon to find out...you can't cry, or sob... because after all...it takes stomach muscles to do these things.. and mine had just been cut open.

Hours pass..and I am still alone...I try and try and try, in pain, to reach the phone laying on the table away from the bed.. because I am scared...my room is dark and silent.. and my husband has not come back...Finally, in tears, I get my hands close enough to the phone to grab it..and I start calling..

I call my husband..nothing.. I call my parent's house... nothing...I call my daddy...nothing... I call Josh's mom...and nothing...

Something is wrong....

The nurse comes in.... and I ask her for my baby... I beg her to bring him to me from the nursery.. I don't want to be alone... I want my son. I need my son......and i can tell her mind is struggling for an answer...for some excuse as to why he can't be brought to my room right now..

And the FEAR hits me....my baby is dead...I am sure of it...something is wrong with my sweet, beautiful, new baby boy...

I ask her to leave the door to my room open and to turn on the lights..for I am tired of sitting alone in the dark...my mind still racing..

It is soon after.. that I see a vision that I will NEVER get out of my mind..

Josh is first.. he is wearing a purple shirt and khaki pants...tears covering his face and streaming down his cheeks...he is shaking.... and FEAR CONSUMES ME....

my baby is dead........

Then I see doctors, nurses, and managers... all with the same look... and then I hear the sobbing.. coming from behind them...that is when I see my mother...wearing a white t-shirt and jeans...blood on her face and hands...she is being held up by someone...helping her take one step at a time...
Everyone enters my room... my mom says nothing...Josh comes to me and grabs my hand..and all I hear is this...
"Tommy.......honey..... tommy......there was an accident...."  Josh pauses to catch his breath.. because he is sobbing. The last words I hear, I can still hear freshly in my mind...

"He didn't make it honey.....tommy..... deann, he's dead"

I sit there....in so much pain from wearing myself out earlier just trying to get to a phone.. I sit there and I stare at the wall in front of me.. 20 people in my room... and I can say nothing..All i want to do is break down and sob.... my heart feels as if it has stopped beating...but I can't. I physically can't because, after all, it takes stomach muscles to do that.... a lesson I wish didn't have to learn that day..

My dad is dead.... and I can't even fall apart like I want to....so I continue to stare at the wall... consumed with fear, that has now gained a whole new meaning...

When angels speak...

A N G E L S

I've always been a firm believer of angels... they surround us everywhere we go...

They may not appear in the form that we are used to, the human form of our earthly world. Instead.. I believe that angels appear in the form of sun shining down on your face in a time of sorrow... a cool breeze blowing in your hair on a hot day when a lost loved one crosses your mind... or a feeling of warmth & serenity over your heart, when sadness seems to be trying to enter every thought...

After a one of my hardest nights... Our angel made sure to make his presence known through-out the day...

A few times a week... I go to the cemetary to visit my father...

I'm sure to some.. I appear like some crazy girl standing infront of a pile of dirt....laughing..crying... and even sometimes, out-right sobbing...

But I continue to stand there..... and then........ the words begin to come to me.. a little at a time...

I talk to my Daddy....I tell him what I am doing...

Yes, I stand there... with my baby... and I talk to him...I tell him of milestones with Bennett. The first time he smiled.. after calling Josh & my mom to spread the good news... Tommy crosses my mind...

For some uncontrollable reason.. for a split second.... just a tiny fraction of time..... my hand starts to dial his number...

but then I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember.... he won't be there. He won't answer his phone. He will not be on the other end.......I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember this.....

god... how pathetic does this sound....

but for some of you, one day..... you will find yourself doing the same thing... because, after-all, for so many years you called this person... for so many years ... and now, abrubtly, you MUST stop............... hard to grasp..... but like my sweet baby boy... i'm still learning how to use my new hands in this new world... and grasping an object such as this is not something I have quite mastered................... but still i try........

So it was at that moment.. I get into my car... with my newly smiling baby.. and I drive to the cemetary to visit my Daddy... to TELL HIM that our little Bennett just smiled at me... for the very first time....

there is a part of me that believes that he can still hear me...
then there is the other part of me that likes to show up during my "visits" to tell me that I am crazy for talking to someone who is dead.. like he is actually going to hear what I have to say.

But for the day... I brushed that negative thought to the side... because Tommy and I had A LOT of catching up to do............ I tell him about Bennett, how he continues to grow so fast, and how every time I realize how fast he is growing.. my heart breaks a little more... I tell him about Mom, and how every day she misses him more and more......Then I start to cry... because my heart literally feels like it is going to fall right out of my chest....

I ask him why....... why can't you be here... with us......why can't you be here to help us raise this little boy with the kindness and gentleness that you always showed me... it was you, who was going to teach Bennett how to be a true gentleman...because after all, you always were... every second of every day.... and never once did you falter.....

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR JOB..... you PROMISED me...YOU PROMISED..

I remember it being cloudy... It was hot and cloudy... and as I started to sob... I felt a cool breeze blow across me.... Bennett is laying his head on my shoulder.....and I whisper into his ear... "grandaddy is saying hello"......

and he smiles.... my sweet sleeping baby smiles.....and I know, that he can feel it too...

I gather my composure... say my goodbyes... and as I am walking to my car...the clouds break for a few moments... and the sun shines on us.... and I am certain that he is saying "goodbye...until next time...."

I want so desperately for all of this to be a dream.. something that is not real, that I am not having to experience.... this was supposed to be our year...... the best year yet..

A new baby to bring joy into a family that was ridden with past heartbreak and losses.. that seem to somehow always occur on or near holidays......Tommy's mother passed away right before christmas...... My grandfather started dying on new years eve night. and finally took his last breaths on the morning of January 1st........

With all of this...... it seems as if every year.... we would all be happy to see that year go.. and welcome a new year in.... because optimism forced us to believe.. that THIS YEAR would be the best... a new beginning...... a fresh start... filled with happiness and finally, a feeling of a completed family again.

but optimism also kept us blind to the reality, that we would have no control over the future events unseen....


All of this may seem morbid to some... but that is their opinion... and until they experience what I have experienced.. they can judge me all they want...because I know in the back of my mind that one day... they too will be in my shoes... probably not in the exact same way... but enough to maybe see and understand why I feel the things I feel or do the things I do...

Yesterday... Bennett was sitting in his swing..... smiling..something that he has become quite the expert at these days....... And he looked up, as if someone was standing above, looking over him...and he smiled.... The big eyed... wide mouth grin.... that I wish so much, Tommy could see...

And at that moment.. I heard a voice in my mind telling me to look over to the picture on the table at the end of my couch.... and when I do..... I see what God is wanting me to see...

A picture of the first time Tommy ever laid his eyes on Bennett..... The baby is wrapped up, laying in a hospital bassinet.. and my daddy is leaning over him....With a smile that was like no other smile I had seen on his face before...

it was at this moment that I knew... and realized.. that before he was to be taken away later that day... Tommy was already preparing to stand over Bennett... and be his guardian angel...

so of course I believe in angels... for lately.... I am visited by one every day....

The First time Tommy saw Bennett

When you dread the night...

N I G H T...

it used to be something that I welcomed with open arms... it meant sleeping in my bed, cuddling with my husband, or being wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching tv with my dog. Yes, the simple pleasures that I took for granted, not realizing that they could actually be "taken" from me..

not in the physical form..... but taken from me in a way that they are no longer what they used to be...

Sleeping in my bed doesnt occur that often... I'm either walking the halls because of this new found insomnia.. which i've been told "Can sometimes be a part of the greiving process", wishing that Bennett would wake up so i'd have something to do or I'm rocking and nursing a beautiful baby boy,when i'm finally exhausted enough that I wish he'd go back to sleep.. so you see, once again i'm handed the good and the bad at the same time... makes it hard to enjoy one or cope with the other...

spending time with my husband is hard to do now.... he works continuously... day in and out.... and I am at home...with a Golden Retriever and a 9 week old baby...they don't carry very good serious adult conversation, i've tried... with only blank stares resulting.... as if they are trying to say, "yes mother, please continue".....

By the time Josh gets home I have 1,000 things I just want to say and talk about and discuss... and all it takes is one look and I can tell that he is too tired and all he really wants to do is eat dinner, take a shower, and go to bed (remember: which is a place I more than likely will not be). But I respect him so much for working hard for his family... I don't complain often to him, and i try to remind him that my "complaints" are really just pleas for more time together.. Especially now, when I feel so vulnerable and devestated and honestly, just flat out CONFUSED

Josh tries so hard to be 100% for his wife and 100% for his job, but sometimes one has to give... and I love him with all of my heart... so I can wait...

"The Man" of MY family now..... I tell myself.... he also has a new burden on his shoulders since losing Tommy. My grandmother, my mother, myself, and a 9 week old baby boy.. all now look to him for direction and guidance. Whether it be his opinion on something that needs to be done at my parents house.. or when Bennett is crying and is looking to Josh to be consoled... He too has to learn his new life....

So for the night.. I figure we will learn this new life together, and I give up on the 1,000 things I had planned on saying...besides, that is when I begin to think about my mother. Home alone. with no one ever coming home at night for her to talk to. And that is when the Guilt starts to take me over. I feel guilt for wanting more of my husband, when sometimes I feel like I should just be glad that he is alive....I feel guilty when there are moments between us that can only exist between two people who love each other so much.. and i'm reminded..for my sweet loving mother.... these moments are over for her.. and I can't even enjoy being happy.. because I feel guilt...

the night brings with it a silence and loneliness that before was never a problem... Friends are home, everyone is in bed...that's when Night brings time to think about things and dwell on things. Before you know it.. you're crying again and feel like you've fallen back to square one..

Great..... just when i was really doing so well.....

Often times this is made prevelant when I am nursing Bennett.. It's just me and him (sometimes Remy is on the floor) and we are rocking in the dark... I look down at him and I'm filled with a sense of peace. His perfect round face and his little lips and nose.. all beautifully placed by the hands of God. I take him in... every aspect of him.....and I am truely blessed. It is these moments that I cling so tightly to.. these moments during the night are what help to get me through the dark.

But then something creeps in.. and I am reminded... that Tommy is not here to appreciate those things... I start thinking about how he would love to see Bennett's face when he looks at you with big round eyes and a huge smile.. He would be so proud and excited over every small thing right along with me....after all Bennett was his first baby too....

Tommy got me when I was 9... the baby days had long been gone..

Bennett was supposed to be ours to share and experience together.. we had already talked about how nice it was going to be this year during the holidays.. because since his dad had died at the age of 54 from cancer.. and after losing his mother a few years ago..Tommy was FINALLY looking foward to thanksgiving and christmas again. He couldn't wait to shop for Bennett... and teach him all the things about Santa Clause that he needed to know... but now I am back to reality.. and am reminded that this will never happen... and my heart wants to break into a million pieces and I want to cry and fall on the floor into a puddle and just melt away...

..and we begin the cycle of bitter-sweet moments again.

So, while everyone is home asleep or with their families... at night..... I am quietly struggling with a constant high and low of feelings...

cry.....pray.......cry.......pray....... become angry..... pray..... get angry for praying to God when i find it hard to trust in him...then pray again for relief from this constant turmoile..and when the relief comes.....i cry......

Starting over....

So...



where to start from here..... it has been quite a while since I have even thought about this blog, let alone posted anything...from the last time I wrote something until today..my life has been flipped around, turned inside out, folded up, and then handed to me written in a completely different plan than "the original".



We moved finally moved into our house.. and I have to say, after all of our hard work, it feels good. Really good to have a home. A home that I could bring my son to and say this is it, your place of security and safety..



But honestly.. I'd rater just skip all of the casual updates and get down to the one that really matters. My life, I feel, has turned into something resembling a movie, one that i never asked to be casted in. But, that's whatI get for thinking I had a choice. For actually believing that I control what happens...I thought I had learned to really give it all up to God.. but I have found that I was completely wrong and hadnt even come close to learning what it TRUELY is to just throw your hands up and say "Well, it's all up to you"... and REALLY have a full understanding of what that means.

Until Now..



The best day of my life and the worst all rolled into one.. happening only a little over 12 hours apart...

Josh has been asking me lately when I would start posting to my blog again... And up until today.. I really had no intentions of doing so. After all, what would I say? I guess I could continue to post little updates here and there about this and that... yet... it leaves the big grey elephant just sitting beside me... and that gets me no where.

Last night was one of "those nights"..anyone who has ever experienced the loss of someone very close to them will understand what I mean by that. A night where you are exhausted but your heart and your mind keep you awake. Tears easily come and go... and still you feel, just , empty...

I began looking on the internet for blogs,resources, or ANYTHING that ANYONE had to say about experiencing such a tragedy and coping with it. All I wanted was some consolation that someone out there, knew or understood, what I was going through..

yet I continue to come up with nothing..

So that was when I decided that I would start to blog again...yet this time, I hope that by doing so not only will I help my heart to begin healing..but maybe, just maybe, there will be someone out there who needs to read and feel comforted knowing that they arent alone during their greif and glory all rolled into one.

I plan on being completely honest with myself and what I write.. if I am angry, I will be angry.. if I am sad. I will be sad... and if I am happy.. I will allow myself to be happy and not feel guilty about it...

I have jumped onto the biggest rollercoaster of emotions that anyone could never hope to experience. But all I can do it strap my seatbelt on and hope for the best.