I've always had bitter-sweet feelings about the new year.... On one hand it feels as if we are all handed a clean slate and ordered to run with it.. fresh-faced and bright eyed.. on the other.. it is a time that I am reminded of all the year has brought with it and all of the things I have endured....
Not only this year do I think of this... but I have done so every year for the past 6 years..
I told my husband that maybe I just have really really bad luck (but then I start to think i'm pittying myself, and I stop).. My grandfather died 6 years ago new years eve night /early new years morning.. Up until this year...I struggled with that every December 31st...this time the obvious came to mind...
I was sitting in the leather chair by the large window in our den.. looking out at the moon.. it was full.... the house was quiet as josh & remy slept on the floor...The tv was on but had been muted..because sometimes..the sound of quietness is what I need...Bennett was in his crib asleep.. and there I was at last... 10:30pm..new years eve night.. me,myself,and I. For a moment, I wanted to wake Josh up because it was new years, and we should be up until at least midnight!!.... but then..... I stopped and appreciated the little bit of downtime that was finally my own... I'm sitting in the chair and memories start to flash in my mind...
I'm taken back to last year... new years eve 2008.. never before had I celebrated the new year with my parents and my grandmother...but last year I did...(i now realize this was a part of God's plan). New Year's Eve 2009 was full of fun,family,and an unexpected future. At the time Jennifer was newly pregnant... and little to my knowledge, so was I...
Yet, I remember that night my dad looking at me and saying... "you look different... in a good way though..just different.." I think back now and wonder if his connection with Bennett was so strong that even at that moment... he was learning to become his angel..... After what seemed like only a short while of being lost in my memories and thoughts.. I realized that it was almost midnight.... I turned the volume back up on the tv.. just in time for the countdown....
I hold it together until it reaches 1.... and then I start to sob... josh and remy still in the floor asleep.. and me still in the chair....I cry wishing that if only I had known last new years eve would have been the last we would all be together.... I would have held on to my daddy a little tighter when he leaned down to give me a hug and wish me the best for 2009...... I cry because even though I try to act like everything is okay... Everyday... still.... a little part of me dies... and I struggle to make it through....
I'm at a point where my my mind is filled with so many what ifs and just only's that I start to annoy myself...and I wonder that when people ask me how I am doing... or how my christmas was..if they truely want to know... or if I should just smile and be polite.. I'm starting to worry that people wont want to be around me or talk to me because of my emotions and how unstable they can be... (I try to reasuure my friends that if we are talking and laughing... and I start to cry.. don't take it too personally... it happens all the time)
Christmas was a lot harder than expected..... Thanksgiving was difficult... but Christmas at some moments seemed unbearable... the fake smile... and half-hearted laughs... all pretend... all for show..... inside i'm miserable and all that is holding me together is the 4 month old that I am holding on to... his face, his smile, his eyes... all keep me sane.... he was my little christmas angel....
I tell Josh that I want to go see my Daddy and wish him a merry christmas.. and of course he agrees to take me... we pull into the graveyard and once again, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is playing... (it's on a CD.. but it somehow always seems to find the perfect time to make an entrance..).. I climb out of the car and wrap my coat tight around me..keeping me warm.. but enternally i'm probably hoping the tighter I pull it, the more it will hold me physically together...I get half-way to my Daddy's grave.. and I hear a car door shut... There is my husband... nervous... but willing and wanting to come with me...Just then it hit me that he had not been to see Tommy since the day of the funeral... and I can feel his pain on top of mine...my heart breaks so many times over... I feel Josh stand beside me..and I grab his hand... and that is all that is needed.... He knows there are no words.. and I know there is no consolation.. all I know is that I feel empty..
I stand there for a while.. staring at the roses through eyes blurred by tears....there are roses on 3 graves... My dad's, his mother's & his father's....I have so much I want to say.. but I don't know where to even begin... and as if on cue... Josh feels my struggle and says the words for me.. '"Merry Christmas Mr.Tommy".. I feel my knees begin to shake.. and Josh holds me tighter... if ever a wish could be wished into being... it would have been then.... but these things aren't possible... and I think of all of the families... at that moment... who are with eachother.. who have their loved ones by their sides..and I start to pray... I pray to God that he helps my friends and their families realize what a special gift each day together is....
The sound of my Daddy's voice...the sound of real laughter coming from my mom..... or to look in the mirror and see a real, honest, whole-hearted smile on my own face .... these things would have meant more than anything I could have ever wished for..
We live in an uncertain world. When we leave home in the morning, we assume we will return in the evening. When we say good-bye to loved ones, we take for granted we will see them again. We presume they know we love them, so we seldom say the words. Unfortunately, we fail to consider the mortal reality that this may not be the case....until it's too late. Tomorrow does not always come.
Someone once said that "life is short, so keep short accounts with God." That is wise advice, but I'd like to add that we should also keep short accounts with every person who is in our circle of love and life. We never know when life will be dramatically changed..... sometimes permanently.
Think about it.. Don't allow the regrets of "if only I knew" to be the final marker of your life. Be swift to love. Hurry to be kind. Take time to make someone feel special. Freely give hugs and kisses, and may "I love you" fall often on your lips.
Happy New Year......
