Monday, March 29, 2010

Over half a year later.... and love lives on

It has been over 2 months since my last entry.... so much for my "weekly updates" ... but at least the want-to was there.... My lack of time dedicated to this blog lately is ABSOLUTELY coorelated with the time spent with Bennett.. He is now 7 months old and taking more and more of my time everyday... but i'm by no means complaining... it is just a sign of his advancing into more of a child and leaving the early days behind.


A thing, which at times, I desperately wish I could slow down.


I look back now and realize that in the beginning, all he did was sleep and eat..NOW... he does the same things.. but also plays, laughs, smiles, cries, screams, hugs, resists changing his diaper...gives kisses


.....and makes every day worth living for me...... what would I do without this little boy? He holds me together at the exact moment when all I want to do is fall apart. It's hard to explain.... there is this shadow that still seems to follow me around from day to day... this shadow of whispers and expectations. It says the same thing to me over and over..... "why aren't you over this by now.... time to move on...... time to get ahold of yourself"....... I try... God knows I try.... but it is still a constant battle.. one at times i'm not sure I will ever win.


Spring is here.... hard to believe...... but it has come.. the season of renewal, rebirth...... the grass is starting to stay green and flowers are starting to show their beautiful colors proudly. A season that always boldly grabs my attention and makes me welcome it's warmth with open arms. However.. this year, I have a new respect for spring...... the warmer air is not only good for the exterior that I carry around... but for the soul as well. A soul that seems as if it has been cold ,hard, and dead for quite a while......

I look outside and I see the trees blowing in the wind and the sun shining through the window. I have a new respect for these things... I take time now to actually feel the wind blowing against my face... or to feel the warmth of the sun against my skin... Do you? Do you ever really just stand there, even for a brief moment and fully appreciate the gift that God has given you.


The gift of a new day................and the ability to recognize it.


I still cry every day.... I guess these past few weeks have been worse than usual. I don't know what has been different or what has changed.... but i'm feeling as if this is getting harder, not easier to deal with. Or maybe it's just the fact that with each passing day... I realize that you aren't coming back.... that this is a permenant thing.....
Every afternoon, around 4 o'clock is the most difficult.... that was the time that my Daddy would always call or stop by and visit.... I can still hear his voice now, telling me that once Bennett was here, there would be no getting rid of him and no stopping him from spoiling that boy... and I wish so much that this was still a "problem" I really had to deal with...


During those times... if Bennett isn't sleeping... he & I slip away to the cemetary to say hello... we always take a flower or a note.... or something special, like a feather.


A feather had somehow drifted down to Bennett as I was carrying him to the car to put him in..... he immediately grabbed it, yet instead of putting it straight into his mouth, he just held it... he held it the whole way to the graveyard. Quietly sitting in his car seat, he just looked at his new prize with amazement. I pulled into the gates... got out and opened the door to take Bennett out, telling him the usual.... let's go say hey to grandaddy... still holding on tight to his feather, I carried him over to my Daddy and we knelt down and began to talk to "our angel". I told him about Bennett sitting up on his own now... and how he would be so proud of him and the way he says "mama"... I tell him that we miss him still everyday... and that at times I don't know if mom & I can make it without him holding us together....the tears start falling naturally... and i feel as if I just want to let go and slip away.... i wish at times I could just blend in with the dirt i'm surrounded by...


I wasn't ready for this... I wasn't ready to be on my own...Yes, I am an adult.... but no matter how old you are...most of us still look to someone for guidance and answers... someone that grounds you with a sense of security and stability.... my rock is gone.... and i'm now floating freely... trying hard to not to drown..


Bennett is quiet in my arms.... his head on my shoulder.. he just listens to me talking to this ledger of granite like some mad woman...but then he turns to look at my face, feather still in his little tiny hands..... he smiles the way Bennett smiles.. and i gain a sense of security again through him..... I smile back and tell him Grandaddy sure would be proud of how much he has accomplished already... I tell him how much he was loved before he was even born.... and it is at this moment he slowly opens his fingers and lets his little feather go.
I watch it slowly float down and land on my Daddy's grave... stopping on the date of death - August 23, 2009... the strongest connection between two of the greatest men in my life...The date one came into my world and the date one left...


It's then that I know he is telling me he is still here...

And even though I cry like crazy and even though it hurts so bad... I'm thankful for what God gave me, and he's the perfect way to make you last.

.I'm learning how to live without you... even though I don't want to.


And even with you gone... love lives on...


I just know that some day he's going to ask me what kind of man you'd been.... I'll tell him all the ways I loved you... and all the you I see in him...


Kind.... Gentle.... Patient.... perfect in every way.....


Tommy..... you were the greatest man in my life.. you taught me how a man should really treat a woman. You helped me learn and demand the respect I deserve from others. You taught me that I have a self-worth. You taught by example. In the ways you loved my mother.... in the ways that we were always the most important part of your life. You never let anyone or anything come before us...


Mom always said that when she found you... she found herself......she found home.


I now can say that when God gave us Bennett... he gave me a little piece of everything I will ever hold dear. I look in his eyes and I see myself...I see mom...I see my loving husband.... and I feel your soul.... all from this little 7 month old boy holding on tightly to a tiny feather.....a feather that freely floats, but grounds itself just at the right time.


................I miss you