Catching emotions off guard...

E M O T I O N S

There are many of them...some bring on a sense of happiness, calmness, and serenity.  While others can bring about feelings of fear, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed.

When someone goes through a life-altering event, it is quite obvious to say that they will experience what I like to call an emotional rollercoaster.  With the same ups,downs, and sometimes the feeling of falling (out of control that is) as you would find on a ride at Disney World..However, I believe that the hardest emotions are the ones that catch you off guard.  The ones that seemed as if they were hiding behind some corner waiting for you to turn your back and then suddenly, they slam you.  I find this tends to happen at the most "inappropriate" of times..such as when you are in public. Then there you are..... the strange person crying or panicking, for what seems to a stranger, no apparent reason.... I'm pretty sure I have walked away from a place leaving a few people wondering, "what in the hell is wrong with that girl...." 

If only they knew....

The past couple of weeks have been busy.. which has been nice. A good escape from MY reality into the reality of the real world is a welcomed vacation. Our store participated in the chirstmas show at the Greenville Convention Center... which took a lot of preparation and time for those who helped make it all happen.  I tried to be the go between person, hanging around just in case they needed an extra hand.

However, I don't know, now looking back, if I was much help... Realizing that being in the christmas spirit is not something that is at the top of my list these days....But for Bennett.... I try

I walked between booths..looking at what everyone had to offer.  The place was crowded... christmas lights and decorations adorned every wall... a gift for every occasion....

whatever you needed...it was there.  I noticed that people looked happy.... happy and excited.......

I'm jealous.

I stopped by a particular booth... something about their setup caught my eye.. and for a brief second, I felt that twinge of holiday spirit...until I saw the picture frame.  An ivory frame... delicate, oranate, and beautiful..with words written in scrolling. 
At the top were written two words:  Me & Grandaddy
At the bottom: We're Best Buddies

See... here comes that whole.... suprise emotion element.... and all of a sudden, there I am... In public, in a convention center with over 3,000 people walking around... and I start to sob.

I get the weird looks.... then there are a few that stare at me oddly and say "honey, are you okay"...  and all I can do is cry... first suprise emotion: Sadness... second suprise emotion: Now im embarassed.... then the third one creeps up.. I become angry.. Angry at the fact that I am crying in public... (because like I mentioned, I am embarassed).. and angry that I have to feel like this... over one stupid picture frame.  (that is how I refer to it now... "the stupid picture frame"... defense mechanism I guess).

Or I hear people mention grandfathers and their love for their grandchildren.. and my heart breaks over and over and over.... and one million times over again.  My daddy was supposed to be able to be that way...like the frame said, he and Bennett were going to be best buddies.... He already knew it...He would tell me that when Bennett got older.. he was going to buy him his first pony and teach him how to ride... because after all, he already had a saddle for him to ride in...a small 13" saddle that used to be mine.  Tommy had saved it for Bennett...

But what can I do?  Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and putting a smile on my face is hard enough..

Now here I am... right in the middle of the holiday-season... when my holiday has been swept out from underneath me...I want so desperately to have the old innocent feelings back.  The feelings that you had when you were a child.... how special they were... and how long ago that was...

This year will be the hardest.. that's what everyone says...

Do I want to decorate for christmas? No...
Do I want to eat thanksgiving? No..

but for my Bennett... I will try my best.. that's all I can promise...I will try.  I am fortunate enough that this year he wont be able to tell how hard this will be.  He isn't expecting any presents or a huge christmas tree and that takes a load off of my shoulders..all he needs is his family.. and perfectly enough... my family is all that I want.

I'm looking at my coffee table now... and on the corner is a book we all know very well..

The Night Before Christmas..

I'm taken back to all of the years I had that read to me on christmas eve... The lights are low and i'm snuggled up next to my mom in bed.... anxiously waiting to fall asleep..just to wake up for Santa...and it is this vision that gives me the drive to create these special memories for Bennett.

So this year... during thanksgiving & during christmas.. and even until new years day... I will try my hardest.. and yes, I will probably faulter here and there... but I will try my best to give my baby a special first holiday

It will be our first without my Daddy... but our first with Bennett....
The worst of times and the best of times....they love to come at once..

But I know we will get through this together..... I have good friends and what little family I have left.. I will cling tightly too... because even though these moments coming up are the hardest to bare.. They will be the beginning of special memories for Bennett...and so with that, I am going to take the book off of my coffee table and carry it upstairs to his nursery.. where it will sit on his table until christmas eve.  Then he and I will snuggle in our chair, with the lights low, and begin our first holiday memory of many to come...

And then.... maybe just then... I will feel that old holiday spirit trying to creep back in. This time, a suprise emotion that I will gladly welcome.