Kahlil Gibran

Today is Bennett's 3 month birthday! yes..I am one of those mothers.... I keep up with every week... and until he is one year old, we will have monthly birthdays....decision final :)

And yes, that means it has been 3 months since the accident.  It is crazy how fast time goes by when it creeps along so slowly...

Bennett has started using his hands more and more... he will lay on his play mat and try so hard to get the bird or the elephant hanging above him... he lays there and just coos and babbles on and on.... I could watch him for hours.. literally.  I've been noticing that the most dominant hand is his left hand...even Josh mentioned the fact that he is so good at reaching and grasping with it.

Josh also mentioned something about Bennett not being able to use his guns to hunt IF he is left handed..

Found out tonight from my mom that Tommy was left handed.....

coincidence?

maybe so.... but to me, I find comfort even in something as small as that..


Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."



And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Catching emotions off guard...

E M O T I O N S

There are many of them...some bring on a sense of happiness, calmness, and serenity.  While others can bring about feelings of fear, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed.

When someone goes through a life-altering event, it is quite obvious to say that they will experience what I like to call an emotional rollercoaster.  With the same ups,downs, and sometimes the feeling of falling (out of control that is) as you would find on a ride at Disney World..However, I believe that the hardest emotions are the ones that catch you off guard.  The ones that seemed as if they were hiding behind some corner waiting for you to turn your back and then suddenly, they slam you.  I find this tends to happen at the most "inappropriate" of times..such as when you are in public. Then there you are..... the strange person crying or panicking, for what seems to a stranger, no apparent reason.... I'm pretty sure I have walked away from a place leaving a few people wondering, "what in the hell is wrong with that girl...." 

If only they knew....

The past couple of weeks have been busy.. which has been nice. A good escape from MY reality into the reality of the real world is a welcomed vacation. Our store participated in the chirstmas show at the Greenville Convention Center... which took a lot of preparation and time for those who helped make it all happen.  I tried to be the go between person, hanging around just in case they needed an extra hand.

However, I don't know, now looking back, if I was much help... Realizing that being in the christmas spirit is not something that is at the top of my list these days....But for Bennett.... I try

I walked between booths..looking at what everyone had to offer.  The place was crowded... christmas lights and decorations adorned every wall... a gift for every occasion....

whatever you needed...it was there.  I noticed that people looked happy.... happy and excited.......

I'm jealous.

I stopped by a particular booth... something about their setup caught my eye.. and for a brief second, I felt that twinge of holiday spirit...until I saw the picture frame.  An ivory frame... delicate, oranate, and beautiful..with words written in scrolling. 
At the top were written two words:  Me & Grandaddy
At the bottom: We're Best Buddies

See... here comes that whole.... suprise emotion element.... and all of a sudden, there I am... In public, in a convention center with over 3,000 people walking around... and I start to sob.

I get the weird looks.... then there are a few that stare at me oddly and say "honey, are you okay"...  and all I can do is cry... first suprise emotion: Sadness... second suprise emotion: Now im embarassed.... then the third one creeps up.. I become angry.. Angry at the fact that I am crying in public... (because like I mentioned, I am embarassed).. and angry that I have to feel like this... over one stupid picture frame.  (that is how I refer to it now... "the stupid picture frame"... defense mechanism I guess).

Or I hear people mention grandfathers and their love for their grandchildren.. and my heart breaks over and over and over.... and one million times over again.  My daddy was supposed to be able to be that way...like the frame said, he and Bennett were going to be best buddies.... He already knew it...He would tell me that when Bennett got older.. he was going to buy him his first pony and teach him how to ride... because after all, he already had a saddle for him to ride in...a small 13" saddle that used to be mine.  Tommy had saved it for Bennett...

But what can I do?  Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and putting a smile on my face is hard enough..

Now here I am... right in the middle of the holiday-season... when my holiday has been swept out from underneath me...I want so desperately to have the old innocent feelings back.  The feelings that you had when you were a child.... how special they were... and how long ago that was...

This year will be the hardest.. that's what everyone says...

Do I want to decorate for christmas? No...
Do I want to eat thanksgiving? No..

but for my Bennett... I will try my best.. that's all I can promise...I will try.  I am fortunate enough that this year he wont be able to tell how hard this will be.  He isn't expecting any presents or a huge christmas tree and that takes a load off of my shoulders..all he needs is his family.. and perfectly enough... my family is all that I want.

I'm looking at my coffee table now... and on the corner is a book we all know very well..

The Night Before Christmas..

I'm taken back to all of the years I had that read to me on christmas eve... The lights are low and i'm snuggled up next to my mom in bed.... anxiously waiting to fall asleep..just to wake up for Santa...and it is this vision that gives me the drive to create these special memories for Bennett.

So this year... during thanksgiving & during christmas.. and even until new years day... I will try my hardest.. and yes, I will probably faulter here and there... but I will try my best to give my baby a special first holiday

It will be our first without my Daddy... but our first with Bennett....
The worst of times and the best of times....they love to come at once..

But I know we will get through this together..... I have good friends and what little family I have left.. I will cling tightly too... because even though these moments coming up are the hardest to bare.. They will be the beginning of special memories for Bennett...and so with that, I am going to take the book off of my coffee table and carry it upstairs to his nursery.. where it will sit on his table until christmas eve.  Then he and I will snuggle in our chair, with the lights low, and begin our first holiday memory of many to come...

And then.... maybe just then... I will feel that old holiday spirit trying to creep back in. This time, a suprise emotion that I will gladly welcome.

Perfect Timing or Divine Intervention?

T I M I N G

Timing is everything.... or so I believe.  There are moments in our lives when we wish things would happen.... but they dont.  Then there are things that we wish would never occur, but they do..all at what seems to be the most inconvienent of times....These things seem to bother us because we feel as if nothing ever seems to happen at the "right time" or "when the time is right".... both phrases thrown around quite often...

Our days seems to be filled with "what ifs" or "if only's"....

I think of this and I am reminded of many late night convorsations with my mom.....For reasons unknown, I have always felt as if I am able to feel the presence of loved ones soon after they pass... Not in a Sylvia Brown psychic way... I haven't gone that crazy yet...but I feel their presence in ways that I believe are sent by God. Whether it be through a dream (such as after my grandfather died), in a cool breeze on a hot day, or through the sun breaking through the clouds just at "the perfect time".

Yet for my mother, her heart has been aching because she hasn't had any of those moments, which only add to her feelings of being truely alone...."Just a sign is all I want" she had mentioned soon after the accident.... "A sign that he is still with me"....but 2 months passed without anything.

My heart ached for her... because after all, how can you help someone with something such as that?  There is no dream factory where I can go create a "feel-better-he-is-still-with-you" dream and have it mailed to her the next day.... I'm not God, I can't provide her with a sense of peace when the nights are long and dark..So I did the only thing I knew to do... and that was pray... better yet, BEG, God to help her realize that our lives do not end here.... to help her see that even though my daddy is not here physically, their love WAS and IS SO STRONG that it can still be felt by her...if she would only take the time to BE STILL.. I prayed for him to work fast... because her faith and mine was beginning to fade....and my trust in God is already at a minimal level....Yet, this brings me back to timing....I was asking God to do something on my time... not his... because after all, my purpose and reasoning behind my request is much greater than his reason for responding or not responding....was it silly to think so? yes...and I realize this even more so now..

It was Monday afternoon, mom stayed home from work because physically, she wasn't feeling well...
Mentally, she is still struggling, as am I..but I think we have become so used to feeling "out of the ordinary" that feeling this way has somehow become our ordinary. 

      It was around 4:30 pm when sudddenly, I realized that I hadn't spoken to her since eight o'clock that morning...I worried..... because since "that day", I worry when I don't hear from her. Actually.... I panic..(but this is something that I am working on..one day at a time).After being unable to reach her on the phone, I decided to drive to her house... when I pulled up to the house and noticed that her truck was not in the drive-way.... I immediately begin to think the worst... (which is another habit I am working on..) ..... But before I can send myself into a frenzy, my heart is comforted when I see her pull into the end of the long gravel drive....

We meet in the middle and roll our windows down to speak...  I tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT, I try to play it off as if I am joking with her, but inside I am fighting back the tears... She smiles and apologizes....it's a half-hearted smile, but still, a smile...

Yet... somewhere underneath that smile, something is different.... I know my mother...I know her faces and what they mean.  When I was a child she used to tell me that she could always tell how I was feeling, just by looking at my eyes.  Now, as if the roles are reversed.... I look at her eyes and I know.... I know she is feeling pain....But for some reason...... the pain seems to have a bitter-sweet after taste. I tell her that I love her, something I am ALWAYS sure to do now... and I take Bennett home to rest for a while.. yet, a voice is telling me to call her... to really make sure she is okay. It is when I make this phone call that I learn something unexpected. God has given her the moment she has been yearning for, for so long.

   She had gone to the cemetary that afternoon.... something she does quite often.  She too talks to Tommy.  I sit here now wondering what she says to him.... I wonder how much her pain hurts... because mine, at times, feels debilitating.  She tells me, her voice shaking, that while she was standing over his grave... she noticed what looked like a soccer ball a few graves over.  Naturally, she became angry... the thought of children playing in the very place her beloved has been laid to rest was infuriating.  But before the negative emotion could grab a hold of her too tightly, she noticed a little black dog walking towards the ball.  She knelt down to call him, but he ignored her efforts to ignite any sort of companionship.  The dog simply went about his business...pouncing on the ball and entertaining himself...

She tells me that she doesn't think any thing else of the dog or the ball.... she just says her goodbyes to my daddy, like I often do, and walks to her truck.... not feeling anymore "over it" than she did before.

When she begins to tell me what happens next.... her voice becomes even more unsteady.. and she has to take several pauses to get through. Ever since the accident happened, my mom hasn't been able to listen to the radio, she keeps it turned off.  Anyone who has ever been heartbroken or has lost someone can relate.  It is almost as if every song has some part to it that will bring back memories or remind you of that person...Nevermind the fact that as she was pulling my dad out of the car... the radio was still on... 107.9, one of Tommy's favorite stations..

She tells me that she climbs into her F-350 Diesel and turns the key to allow the glow plugs to warm before she fully turns the key over.  As she is doing this... she notices that the little black dog has picked up his ball and has taken it over to where she had been standing... right there at my daddy's grave... where he sits and looks at her.......

Then she hears it......

the radio..... it is on.... and a certain song is playing.... a song that she tells me she has heard a thousand times before... but for some reason, never noticed the last verse and it is this verse that is playing as soon as she turns the key.  The verse that holds the message that God has been saving for her.  A message from my daddy to his wife....

"I've read somewhere statistics show
the man's always the first to go
And that makes sense, cause I know she wont be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any

I hope she takes her time
cause I dont mind, waitin' on a woman

Honey take your time....
cause I dont mind, waiting on a woman"

- Brad Paisley "Waiting on a Woman"

God didn't send my mom a "sign" or "message from above" when she asked for it.... he sent it to her when she needed it....

So mom, if you are reading this....remember.....take your time... because Daddy doesn't mind, waiting on a woman........

Fear Becomes Me..

F E A R

Fear.....according to Webster is this: 1. (noun)- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; it is the feeling or condition of being afraid. Concern or anxiety; solicitude: such as a fear for someone's safety.

Before August 23... I could tell you what I thought fear was. Like a child in a spelling Bee, if I had been asked to "use the word a sentence", I would have said something simple...something ordinary. Such as, I have a fear of spiders. Or, I am afraid of storms.

Now....... fear has a new meaning to me....my fears are over whelming and consuming. I fear loss, I fear death, I fear the fact that I have no control over my life...no control what-so-ever. And it is the realization of this, that creates my biggest fear of all.

When you become a new mother...your mind naturally goes through times that you worry. You worry if you are providing what your child truely needs.  You worry about germs..which leads you to constantly encourage those around you to sanitize their hands..Thus, I now have dozens of bottles of purell always within reach.  You fear the day your child becomes sick.. or maybe gets a scratch or a bruise. All of these worries.. natural... and yet, understandable. But how do you deal with worry and fear that are outside of  what people claim to be normal and acceptable?

Nights are difficult on their own... my mind ridden with thoughts of my father and how or IF I am ever going to be able to be as happy as I was before that day.... will my family ever feel complete again?  Afterall, it took me a long time to ever gain what family I had ....just for it to be swept out from underneath me... abruptly....suddenly...and with utter cruelty...

Now a new fear has reared its ugly head....the fear of losing my baby..

I think back to the day I had Bennett... I am nervous and anxious, as any woman who is about to experience such a life changing event would be.  Yet, the nervousness and anxiety, is outlined with a golden light of joy and excitement.  I am vulnerable... completely open.... and uninhibited.  I am worried of my son's safety.. and slightly of mine...As for everyone else... they never cross my mind. Not once did I have reason to believe that I should worry if my parents were safe.. or for that fact, alive..My husband is by my side... I am happy, fulfilled.. and finally, I feel complete.

...all is well...

Now... those feelings are gone...happiness comes and goes, I feel unfulfilled... and am I feeling complete? hardly. All because of my fear..

My fear that if I turn my back for one second...something may happen to my baby. Something that can hurt him..and honestly, i worry about something happening that would take HIM away from me... because maybe God doesn't think I've earned the right to keep such a wonderful child..

 I'm just sitting here.... waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I fear falling asleep...my mind fears that sleep will bring with it unawareness.... the unawareness that could keep me from saving my child if he were to need me... I try to tell myself.. and I am fully aware that this is becoming a slight neurosis.... but how do I stop? 

How can I fully let go and trust that all will be well...For, the very last time I did... my world fell to pieces...
Someone...tell me how....I am desperate for an answer....yet, I never seem to get one..

I think of this... and once again, I am taken back to that moment... the moment I knew..

I am laying in the hospital bed...slightly afraid.. my mind is racing.. it had been two hours since my parents had left...and I was enjoying the time with my son & my husband.  The two loves of my life. 
Josh gets up from beside me..."to go get a drink" he says...he promises me that he will be back soon.

I now remember noticing that his phone had kept ringing....over and over and over..I slightly wondered what that was about...but I brush it off as ordinary..The room is dark... and silent. I convince myself that I will nap until he returns.. and I lay there...with a feeling in my heart that something is not right...time passes...and the fear continues to grow.

A C-section takes a toll on your body.  You can't reach for things, you can't sit up easily... and what I was soon to find out...you can't cry, or sob... because after all...it takes stomach muscles to do these things.. and mine had just been cut open.

Hours pass..and I am still alone...I try and try and try, in pain, to reach the phone laying on the table away from the bed.. because I am scared...my room is dark and silent.. and my husband has not come back...Finally, in tears, I get my hands close enough to the phone to grab it..and I start calling..

I call my husband..nothing.. I call my parent's house... nothing...I call my daddy...nothing... I call Josh's mom...and nothing...

Something is wrong....

The nurse comes in.... and I ask her for my baby... I beg her to bring him to me from the nursery.. I don't want to be alone... I want my son. I need my son......and i can tell her mind is struggling for an answer...for some excuse as to why he can't be brought to my room right now..

And the FEAR hits me....my baby is dead...I am sure of it...something is wrong with my sweet, beautiful, new baby boy...

I ask her to leave the door to my room open and to turn on the lights..for I am tired of sitting alone in the dark...my mind still racing..

It is soon after.. that I see a vision that I will NEVER get out of my mind..

Josh is first.. he is wearing a purple shirt and khaki pants...tears covering his face and streaming down his cheeks...he is shaking.... and FEAR CONSUMES ME....

my baby is dead........

Then I see doctors, nurses, and managers... all with the same look... and then I hear the sobbing.. coming from behind them...that is when I see my mother...wearing a white t-shirt and jeans...blood on her face and hands...she is being held up by someone...helping her take one step at a time...
Everyone enters my room... my mom says nothing...Josh comes to me and grabs my hand..and all I hear is this...
"Tommy.......honey..... tommy......there was an accident...."  Josh pauses to catch his breath.. because he is sobbing. The last words I hear, I can still hear freshly in my mind...

"He didn't make it honey.....tommy..... deann, he's dead"

I sit there....in so much pain from wearing myself out earlier just trying to get to a phone.. I sit there and I stare at the wall in front of me.. 20 people in my room... and I can say nothing..All i want to do is break down and sob.... my heart feels as if it has stopped beating...but I can't. I physically can't because, after all, it takes stomach muscles to do that.... a lesson I wish didn't have to learn that day..

My dad is dead.... and I can't even fall apart like I want to....so I continue to stare at the wall... consumed with fear, that has now gained a whole new meaning...