When you dread the night...

N I G H T...

it used to be something that I welcomed with open arms... it meant sleeping in my bed, cuddling with my husband, or being wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching tv with my dog. Yes, the simple pleasures that I took for granted, not realizing that they could actually be "taken" from me..

not in the physical form..... but taken from me in a way that they are no longer what they used to be...

Sleeping in my bed doesnt occur that often... I'm either walking the halls because of this new found insomnia.. which i've been told "Can sometimes be a part of the greiving process", wishing that Bennett would wake up so i'd have something to do or I'm rocking and nursing a beautiful baby boy,when i'm finally exhausted enough that I wish he'd go back to sleep.. so you see, once again i'm handed the good and the bad at the same time... makes it hard to enjoy one or cope with the other...

spending time with my husband is hard to do now.... he works continuously... day in and out.... and I am at home...with a Golden Retriever and a 9 week old baby...they don't carry very good serious adult conversation, i've tried... with only blank stares resulting.... as if they are trying to say, "yes mother, please continue".....

By the time Josh gets home I have 1,000 things I just want to say and talk about and discuss... and all it takes is one look and I can tell that he is too tired and all he really wants to do is eat dinner, take a shower, and go to bed (remember: which is a place I more than likely will not be). But I respect him so much for working hard for his family... I don't complain often to him, and i try to remind him that my "complaints" are really just pleas for more time together.. Especially now, when I feel so vulnerable and devestated and honestly, just flat out CONFUSED

Josh tries so hard to be 100% for his wife and 100% for his job, but sometimes one has to give... and I love him with all of my heart... so I can wait...

"The Man" of MY family now..... I tell myself.... he also has a new burden on his shoulders since losing Tommy. My grandmother, my mother, myself, and a 9 week old baby boy.. all now look to him for direction and guidance. Whether it be his opinion on something that needs to be done at my parents house.. or when Bennett is crying and is looking to Josh to be consoled... He too has to learn his new life....

So for the night.. I figure we will learn this new life together, and I give up on the 1,000 things I had planned on saying...besides, that is when I begin to think about my mother. Home alone. with no one ever coming home at night for her to talk to. And that is when the Guilt starts to take me over. I feel guilt for wanting more of my husband, when sometimes I feel like I should just be glad that he is alive....I feel guilty when there are moments between us that can only exist between two people who love each other so much.. and i'm reminded..for my sweet loving mother.... these moments are over for her.. and I can't even enjoy being happy.. because I feel guilt...

the night brings with it a silence and loneliness that before was never a problem... Friends are home, everyone is in bed...that's when Night brings time to think about things and dwell on things. Before you know it.. you're crying again and feel like you've fallen back to square one..

Great..... just when i was really doing so well.....

Often times this is made prevelant when I am nursing Bennett.. It's just me and him (sometimes Remy is on the floor) and we are rocking in the dark... I look down at him and I'm filled with a sense of peace. His perfect round face and his little lips and nose.. all beautifully placed by the hands of God. I take him in... every aspect of him.....and I am truely blessed. It is these moments that I cling so tightly to.. these moments during the night are what help to get me through the dark.

But then something creeps in.. and I am reminded... that Tommy is not here to appreciate those things... I start thinking about how he would love to see Bennett's face when he looks at you with big round eyes and a huge smile.. He would be so proud and excited over every small thing right along with me....after all Bennett was his first baby too....

Tommy got me when I was 9... the baby days had long been gone..

Bennett was supposed to be ours to share and experience together.. we had already talked about how nice it was going to be this year during the holidays.. because since his dad had died at the age of 54 from cancer.. and after losing his mother a few years ago..Tommy was FINALLY looking foward to thanksgiving and christmas again. He couldn't wait to shop for Bennett... and teach him all the things about Santa Clause that he needed to know... but now I am back to reality.. and am reminded that this will never happen... and my heart wants to break into a million pieces and I want to cry and fall on the floor into a puddle and just melt away...

..and we begin the cycle of bitter-sweet moments again.

So, while everyone is home asleep or with their families... at night..... I am quietly struggling with a constant high and low of feelings...

cry.....pray.......cry.......pray....... become angry..... pray..... get angry for praying to God when i find it hard to trust in him...then pray again for relief from this constant turmoile..and when the relief comes.....i cry......