When angels speak...

A N G E L S

I've always been a firm believer of angels... they surround us everywhere we go...

They may not appear in the form that we are used to, the human form of our earthly world. Instead.. I believe that angels appear in the form of sun shining down on your face in a time of sorrow... a cool breeze blowing in your hair on a hot day when a lost loved one crosses your mind... or a feeling of warmth & serenity over your heart, when sadness seems to be trying to enter every thought...

After a one of my hardest nights... Our angel made sure to make his presence known through-out the day...

A few times a week... I go to the cemetary to visit my father...

I'm sure to some.. I appear like some crazy girl standing infront of a pile of dirt....laughing..crying... and even sometimes, out-right sobbing...

But I continue to stand there..... and then........ the words begin to come to me.. a little at a time...

I talk to my Daddy....I tell him what I am doing...

Yes, I stand there... with my baby... and I talk to him...I tell him of milestones with Bennett. The first time he smiled.. after calling Josh & my mom to spread the good news... Tommy crosses my mind...

For some uncontrollable reason.. for a split second.... just a tiny fraction of time..... my hand starts to dial his number...

but then I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember.... he won't be there. He won't answer his phone. He will not be on the other end.......I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember this.....

god... how pathetic does this sound....

but for some of you, one day..... you will find yourself doing the same thing... because, after-all, for so many years you called this person... for so many years ... and now, abrubtly, you MUST stop............... hard to grasp..... but like my sweet baby boy... i'm still learning how to use my new hands in this new world... and grasping an object such as this is not something I have quite mastered................... but still i try........

So it was at that moment.. I get into my car... with my newly smiling baby.. and I drive to the cemetary to visit my Daddy... to TELL HIM that our little Bennett just smiled at me... for the very first time....

there is a part of me that believes that he can still hear me...
then there is the other part of me that likes to show up during my "visits" to tell me that I am crazy for talking to someone who is dead.. like he is actually going to hear what I have to say.

But for the day... I brushed that negative thought to the side... because Tommy and I had A LOT of catching up to do............ I tell him about Bennett, how he continues to grow so fast, and how every time I realize how fast he is growing.. my heart breaks a little more... I tell him about Mom, and how every day she misses him more and more......Then I start to cry... because my heart literally feels like it is going to fall right out of my chest....

I ask him why....... why can't you be here... with us......why can't you be here to help us raise this little boy with the kindness and gentleness that you always showed me... it was you, who was going to teach Bennett how to be a true gentleman...because after all, you always were... every second of every day.... and never once did you falter.....

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR JOB..... you PROMISED me...YOU PROMISED..

I remember it being cloudy... It was hot and cloudy... and as I started to sob... I felt a cool breeze blow across me.... Bennett is laying his head on my shoulder.....and I whisper into his ear... "grandaddy is saying hello"......

and he smiles.... my sweet sleeping baby smiles.....and I know, that he can feel it too...

I gather my composure... say my goodbyes... and as I am walking to my car...the clouds break for a few moments... and the sun shines on us.... and I am certain that he is saying "goodbye...until next time...."

I want so desperately for all of this to be a dream.. something that is not real, that I am not having to experience.... this was supposed to be our year...... the best year yet..

A new baby to bring joy into a family that was ridden with past heartbreak and losses.. that seem to somehow always occur on or near holidays......Tommy's mother passed away right before christmas...... My grandfather started dying on new years eve night. and finally took his last breaths on the morning of January 1st........

With all of this...... it seems as if every year.... we would all be happy to see that year go.. and welcome a new year in.... because optimism forced us to believe.. that THIS YEAR would be the best... a new beginning...... a fresh start... filled with happiness and finally, a feeling of a completed family again.

but optimism also kept us blind to the reality, that we would have no control over the future events unseen....


All of this may seem morbid to some... but that is their opinion... and until they experience what I have experienced.. they can judge me all they want...because I know in the back of my mind that one day... they too will be in my shoes... probably not in the exact same way... but enough to maybe see and understand why I feel the things I feel or do the things I do...

Yesterday... Bennett was sitting in his swing..... smiling..something that he has become quite the expert at these days....... And he looked up, as if someone was standing above, looking over him...and he smiled.... The big eyed... wide mouth grin.... that I wish so much, Tommy could see...

And at that moment.. I heard a voice in my mind telling me to look over to the picture on the table at the end of my couch.... and when I do..... I see what God is wanting me to see...

A picture of the first time Tommy ever laid his eyes on Bennett..... The baby is wrapped up, laying in a hospital bassinet.. and my daddy is leaning over him....With a smile that was like no other smile I had seen on his face before...

it was at this moment that I knew... and realized.. that before he was to be taken away later that day... Tommy was already preparing to stand over Bennett... and be his guardian angel...

so of course I believe in angels... for lately.... I am visited by one every day....

The First time Tommy saw Bennett

When you dread the night...

N I G H T...

it used to be something that I welcomed with open arms... it meant sleeping in my bed, cuddling with my husband, or being wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching tv with my dog. Yes, the simple pleasures that I took for granted, not realizing that they could actually be "taken" from me..

not in the physical form..... but taken from me in a way that they are no longer what they used to be...

Sleeping in my bed doesnt occur that often... I'm either walking the halls because of this new found insomnia.. which i've been told "Can sometimes be a part of the greiving process", wishing that Bennett would wake up so i'd have something to do or I'm rocking and nursing a beautiful baby boy,when i'm finally exhausted enough that I wish he'd go back to sleep.. so you see, once again i'm handed the good and the bad at the same time... makes it hard to enjoy one or cope with the other...

spending time with my husband is hard to do now.... he works continuously... day in and out.... and I am at home...with a Golden Retriever and a 9 week old baby...they don't carry very good serious adult conversation, i've tried... with only blank stares resulting.... as if they are trying to say, "yes mother, please continue".....

By the time Josh gets home I have 1,000 things I just want to say and talk about and discuss... and all it takes is one look and I can tell that he is too tired and all he really wants to do is eat dinner, take a shower, and go to bed (remember: which is a place I more than likely will not be). But I respect him so much for working hard for his family... I don't complain often to him, and i try to remind him that my "complaints" are really just pleas for more time together.. Especially now, when I feel so vulnerable and devestated and honestly, just flat out CONFUSED

Josh tries so hard to be 100% for his wife and 100% for his job, but sometimes one has to give... and I love him with all of my heart... so I can wait...

"The Man" of MY family now..... I tell myself.... he also has a new burden on his shoulders since losing Tommy. My grandmother, my mother, myself, and a 9 week old baby boy.. all now look to him for direction and guidance. Whether it be his opinion on something that needs to be done at my parents house.. or when Bennett is crying and is looking to Josh to be consoled... He too has to learn his new life....

So for the night.. I figure we will learn this new life together, and I give up on the 1,000 things I had planned on saying...besides, that is when I begin to think about my mother. Home alone. with no one ever coming home at night for her to talk to. And that is when the Guilt starts to take me over. I feel guilt for wanting more of my husband, when sometimes I feel like I should just be glad that he is alive....I feel guilty when there are moments between us that can only exist between two people who love each other so much.. and i'm reminded..for my sweet loving mother.... these moments are over for her.. and I can't even enjoy being happy.. because I feel guilt...

the night brings with it a silence and loneliness that before was never a problem... Friends are home, everyone is in bed...that's when Night brings time to think about things and dwell on things. Before you know it.. you're crying again and feel like you've fallen back to square one..

Great..... just when i was really doing so well.....

Often times this is made prevelant when I am nursing Bennett.. It's just me and him (sometimes Remy is on the floor) and we are rocking in the dark... I look down at him and I'm filled with a sense of peace. His perfect round face and his little lips and nose.. all beautifully placed by the hands of God. I take him in... every aspect of him.....and I am truely blessed. It is these moments that I cling so tightly to.. these moments during the night are what help to get me through the dark.

But then something creeps in.. and I am reminded... that Tommy is not here to appreciate those things... I start thinking about how he would love to see Bennett's face when he looks at you with big round eyes and a huge smile.. He would be so proud and excited over every small thing right along with me....after all Bennett was his first baby too....

Tommy got me when I was 9... the baby days had long been gone..

Bennett was supposed to be ours to share and experience together.. we had already talked about how nice it was going to be this year during the holidays.. because since his dad had died at the age of 54 from cancer.. and after losing his mother a few years ago..Tommy was FINALLY looking foward to thanksgiving and christmas again. He couldn't wait to shop for Bennett... and teach him all the things about Santa Clause that he needed to know... but now I am back to reality.. and am reminded that this will never happen... and my heart wants to break into a million pieces and I want to cry and fall on the floor into a puddle and just melt away...

..and we begin the cycle of bitter-sweet moments again.

So, while everyone is home asleep or with their families... at night..... I am quietly struggling with a constant high and low of feelings...

cry.....pray.......cry.......pray....... become angry..... pray..... get angry for praying to God when i find it hard to trust in him...then pray again for relief from this constant turmoile..and when the relief comes.....i cry......

Starting over....

So...



where to start from here..... it has been quite a while since I have even thought about this blog, let alone posted anything...from the last time I wrote something until today..my life has been flipped around, turned inside out, folded up, and then handed to me written in a completely different plan than "the original".



We moved finally moved into our house.. and I have to say, after all of our hard work, it feels good. Really good to have a home. A home that I could bring my son to and say this is it, your place of security and safety..



But honestly.. I'd rater just skip all of the casual updates and get down to the one that really matters. My life, I feel, has turned into something resembling a movie, one that i never asked to be casted in. But, that's whatI get for thinking I had a choice. For actually believing that I control what happens...I thought I had learned to really give it all up to God.. but I have found that I was completely wrong and hadnt even come close to learning what it TRUELY is to just throw your hands up and say "Well, it's all up to you"... and REALLY have a full understanding of what that means.

Until Now..



The best day of my life and the worst all rolled into one.. happening only a little over 12 hours apart...

Josh has been asking me lately when I would start posting to my blog again... And up until today.. I really had no intentions of doing so. After all, what would I say? I guess I could continue to post little updates here and there about this and that... yet... it leaves the big grey elephant just sitting beside me... and that gets me no where.

Last night was one of "those nights"..anyone who has ever experienced the loss of someone very close to them will understand what I mean by that. A night where you are exhausted but your heart and your mind keep you awake. Tears easily come and go... and still you feel, just , empty...

I began looking on the internet for blogs,resources, or ANYTHING that ANYONE had to say about experiencing such a tragedy and coping with it. All I wanted was some consolation that someone out there, knew or understood, what I was going through..

yet I continue to come up with nothing..

So that was when I decided that I would start to blog again...yet this time, I hope that by doing so not only will I help my heart to begin healing..but maybe, just maybe, there will be someone out there who needs to read and feel comforted knowing that they arent alone during their greif and glory all rolled into one.

I plan on being completely honest with myself and what I write.. if I am angry, I will be angry.. if I am sad. I will be sad... and if I am happy.. I will allow myself to be happy and not feel guilty about it...

I have jumped onto the biggest rollercoaster of emotions that anyone could never hope to experience. But all I can do it strap my seatbelt on and hope for the best.

crazy...

I found the post below saved in my "drafts" section from July... I guess I got busy and forgot about it...

Crazy now looking back and realizing how right I was about Bennett coming early... something God was telling me I guess....

Too bad I didn't know that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train heading straight towards me...

More updates later...

Obviously.. I will have a lot to say.....