Guilt and Shame

For many of us in this world.... there are parts of our lives that are painful to reflect upon. Whether it is a past action committed, or a word left unsaid. Either way you look at it, when we think about the things that might have been, had we been able to change things in our past, a familiar sting comes about.

For me it is hard to admitt my wrong doings. I don't believe there is anyone that likes to tell others about their darkest moments. Yet, it is important to realize that once light is shed on these things, we allow God to enter into a place that we normally try to shut him out of.

My father used to always tell me, "If you think something you might as well say it... Because God already knows it anyway"... Those words are so very true. When we try to hide our past, the only person we are trying to hide it from is ourselves. God knows every inequity of every moment... and once you ask so, he forgives you for them.

I was laying in my bed a few nights ago reading my bible... I have the Joyce Meyer Bible that I enjoy reading.. she has a way of explaining things in a manner that makes it easy for a common person such as myself to understand. I don't feel as if I need to be a Theologin to interpret the Word (I highly reccomend it!). As I was reaching torwards the steps on my side of the bed (a place that I keep my bible for easy access), I knocked it off the side and it landed face up, opened to a particular page.

Isaiah 43:25 - "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

My attention was drawn to this. Throughout the bible, Joyce Meyer has sections called "Everyday Life Points" and then a small discussion of a particular section of whatever book in the bible you may be reading. It was the verse mentioned above that she had decided to ellaborate on. In my nature, being the sinner that I am, was very eager to read all that I could about how I am to live with myself when I am so ashamed. She kept the discusion short and to the point, as Joyce Meyer always does.... No beating around the bush.

She simply asked the reader (myself) to think back to your prayers.... Do you constantly bring up the same things over and over? Why?..... For God tells us in the Bible, that when we pray with our whole hearts and ask God to forgive us of our past transgressions, he does. Not only does he forgive us, but he forgets our inequities as well. God states that  "so is As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

What a healing thing to read and know..... In our church, we have been taught, that a sin is a sin is a sin... meaning, no matter what the affliction may be... one sin is no better than another, or "less severe"... It is hard to remember that when you replay your sins in your head over and over..

In some of my darkest moments, I did things that I am ashamed to admit. My addiction turned me into a liar and a theif. All I could think about was how to take care of me and my need.  I stole medication from friends and family, and then lied to try and cover my mistakes... In a panicked state, all I could think about was saving my face, and not letting anyone know how troubled I really was.... Little did I know, I was only keeping the secret from myself.  In my deepest of hearts, I never meant any of my actions to be malicious.. and I really believed that the only person I was hurting, was myself. I never imagined I was causing emotional pain to others..... and I am overcome with sadness when I think of this and realize that I was hurting so many people along the way. People that I really and truly cared about and loved. My very best friends and the very closest members of my family...

In my heart and mind, I justified my actions... Either they no longer needed the pills, because they were physically well, or they wouldn't miss just a few.... As mentioned before, all lies I told to myself, I dont know, maybe in some odd way I was trying to soften the blow to my conscience by minimizing my actions.

However, none of that mattered... when faced with my actions, the pain of conviction and ache of guilt from what I had done was still the same. I did things that were wrong and I couldn't deny that.

A year ago, before I left for treatment... I had led myself down a path so destructive, I couldn't remember where the real truth began and where it ended.. or how I had even wound up at the point I was at.. I had woven a very tangled web.. all in efforts to protect my habit... And this spring, even though I had not gone down such a destructive road again, the slip I had could have easily led me down the same path... and I am forever greatful that it was stopped before it reached that point... from the bottom of my heart, I truly mean that.

I wake up today with a new feeling of gratitude and blessing. However, it has taken me at least 7 weeks to get here. After my relapse, I had times in the mornings where I didn't care if I woke up... the guilt and shame I felt consumed me. I really believed that my husband and children would be better off without me in their lives, messing things up... and I somehow wished I could just evaporate into the air and escape myself.

The first time I told someone this, she didn't laugh... she didn't blow me off.... and she didn't call me crazy. She simply said " I understand...... and you never have to feel this way again"... That's all it took.  For someone to understand.... for someone to take my hand and say, "you arent alone"..

She advised me every morning to wake up and pray.... as soon as my eyes opened, I needed to find a quiet spot and give thanks to God. Give thanks to the one that has led me down this road, seeing fit to give me a second chance at life, and living it the right way.

And so I do..... Every morning I take 15 minutes to myself. Even if that means my boys have to lay in their beds for a few extra minutes, I take that precious time and I pray. I thank god for keeping me safe another day and allowing me to wake up to see the sun rise on a new morning.... For I know that those few minutes make all of the difference in my day. Those few minutes allow me to be the wife and mother God created me to be.... They help mold me into the friend that in my heart I am striving torwards. I ask God to bring peace into my heart and to always help me find the path that he has laid out for me... and to give me the strength and courage to walk down it with my head held high.  Then the Serenity Prayer follows...

God, Grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference

If anyone out there is going through these feelings.... Know that you are not alone.... I understand. I understand how your heart can feel hollow and empty and how you can feel as if you have acheieved in ultimately defeating yourself.  You may feel alone... but you are not. God is forever by your side. He promises to never leave us, and he doesnt.  People may talk and people may be surprised by the things they hear about you.. but God is never surprised.. God knew you from the moment you were created... he knew your heart and he knew your life. And when he came to know you.. he also came to believe in you. He guides you with his heart and with his hand... he never turns his back on you... even if you have turned your back on yourself.

Pray..... pray to him.... Ask him to remove you of your shortcomings and your inequities.... and then let it go... it is better left up to him anyway.

This doesnt mean that once you start to talk to God, that all of your pain and all of your suffering goes away.. because it doesn't. Instead, God equpits you with the abilities to handle it as you should... and in the light of him.

There is a book that tells us that... "We will not regret the past... Nor, wish to shut the door on it"

I am beginning to understand the meaning behind that. It means, put the baseball bat down and stop beating yourself over the head.... what is done is done (.. God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change)... Now, it is up to me to take my past and learn from it... look at my past actions as markers of where I don't want to return...and change the parts of me that lead me to those actions (The courage to change the things that I can)... But dwelling in the past doesn't change your future.. it only keeps it from flourishing into the beautiful life that God has laid out so perfectly for us..Instead, treat your past like an old ex... acknowledging it when it makes an appearance, but always keeping your eyes and heart on the moment standing beside you... your present (And the wisdom to know the difference..)