Over half a year later.... and love lives on

It has been over 2 months since my last entry.... so much for my "weekly updates" ... but at least the want-to was there.... My lack of time dedicated to this blog lately is ABSOLUTELY coorelated with the time spent with Bennett.. He is now 7 months old and taking more and more of my time everyday... but i'm by no means complaining... it is just a sign of his advancing into more of a child and leaving the early days behind.


A thing, which at times, I desperately wish I could slow down.


I look back now and realize that in the beginning, all he did was sleep and eat..NOW... he does the same things.. but also plays, laughs, smiles, cries, screams, hugs, resists changing his diaper...gives kisses


.....and makes every day worth living for me...... what would I do without this little boy? He holds me together at the exact moment when all I want to do is fall apart. It's hard to explain.... there is this shadow that still seems to follow me around from day to day... this shadow of whispers and expectations. It says the same thing to me over and over..... "why aren't you over this by now.... time to move on...... time to get ahold of yourself"....... I try... God knows I try.... but it is still a constant battle.. one at times i'm not sure I will ever win.


Spring is here.... hard to believe...... but it has come.. the season of renewal, rebirth...... the grass is starting to stay green and flowers are starting to show their beautiful colors proudly. A season that always boldly grabs my attention and makes me welcome it's warmth with open arms. However.. this year, I have a new respect for spring...... the warmer air is not only good for the exterior that I carry around... but for the soul as well. A soul that seems as if it has been cold ,hard, and dead for quite a while......

I look outside and I see the trees blowing in the wind and the sun shining through the window. I have a new respect for these things... I take time now to actually feel the wind blowing against my face... or to feel the warmth of the sun against my skin... Do you? Do you ever really just stand there, even for a brief moment and fully appreciate the gift that God has given you.


The gift of a new day................and the ability to recognize it.


I still cry every day.... I guess these past few weeks have been worse than usual. I don't know what has been different or what has changed.... but i'm feeling as if this is getting harder, not easier to deal with. Or maybe it's just the fact that with each passing day... I realize that you aren't coming back.... that this is a permenant thing.....
Every afternoon, around 4 o'clock is the most difficult.... that was the time that my Daddy would always call or stop by and visit.... I can still hear his voice now, telling me that once Bennett was here, there would be no getting rid of him and no stopping him from spoiling that boy... and I wish so much that this was still a "problem" I really had to deal with...


During those times... if Bennett isn't sleeping... he & I slip away to the cemetary to say hello... we always take a flower or a note.... or something special, like a feather.


A feather had somehow drifted down to Bennett as I was carrying him to the car to put him in..... he immediately grabbed it, yet instead of putting it straight into his mouth, he just held it... he held it the whole way to the graveyard. Quietly sitting in his car seat, he just looked at his new prize with amazement. I pulled into the gates... got out and opened the door to take Bennett out, telling him the usual.... let's go say hey to grandaddy... still holding on tight to his feather, I carried him over to my Daddy and we knelt down and began to talk to "our angel". I told him about Bennett sitting up on his own now... and how he would be so proud of him and the way he says "mama"... I tell him that we miss him still everyday... and that at times I don't know if mom & I can make it without him holding us together....the tears start falling naturally... and i feel as if I just want to let go and slip away.... i wish at times I could just blend in with the dirt i'm surrounded by...


I wasn't ready for this... I wasn't ready to be on my own...Yes, I am an adult.... but no matter how old you are...most of us still look to someone for guidance and answers... someone that grounds you with a sense of security and stability.... my rock is gone.... and i'm now floating freely... trying hard to not to drown..


Bennett is quiet in my arms.... his head on my shoulder.. he just listens to me talking to this ledger of granite like some mad woman...but then he turns to look at my face, feather still in his little tiny hands..... he smiles the way Bennett smiles.. and i gain a sense of security again through him..... I smile back and tell him Grandaddy sure would be proud of how much he has accomplished already... I tell him how much he was loved before he was even born.... and it is at this moment he slowly opens his fingers and lets his little feather go.
I watch it slowly float down and land on my Daddy's grave... stopping on the date of death - August 23, 2009... the strongest connection between two of the greatest men in my life...The date one came into my world and the date one left...


It's then that I know he is telling me he is still here...

And even though I cry like crazy and even though it hurts so bad... I'm thankful for what God gave me, and he's the perfect way to make you last.

.I'm learning how to live without you... even though I don't want to.


And even with you gone... love lives on...


I just know that some day he's going to ask me what kind of man you'd been.... I'll tell him all the ways I loved you... and all the you I see in him...


Kind.... Gentle.... Patient.... perfect in every way.....


Tommy..... you were the greatest man in my life.. you taught me how a man should really treat a woman. You helped me learn and demand the respect I deserve from others. You taught me that I have a self-worth. You taught by example. In the ways you loved my mother.... in the ways that we were always the most important part of your life. You never let anyone or anything come before us...


Mom always said that when she found you... she found herself......she found home.


I now can say that when God gave us Bennett... he gave me a little piece of everything I will ever hold dear. I look in his eyes and I see myself...I see mom...I see my loving husband.... and I feel your soul.... all from this little 7 month old boy holding on tightly to a tiny feather.....a feather that freely floats, but grounds itself just at the right time.


................I miss you

If Only I Knew...

I've decided that every couple of days I will post a few "If Only's". These will be helpful in reminding you of how short and unpredictable life can be. Maybe one of these "If Only's" will find its way to someone who needs to read it.. At the end, I will dedicate one to Tommy..

If Only I Knew....
     That grief and heartache would be so deep and devestating, I would have been there more often for others....


If Only I Knew....
     That even a child's days are sometimes cut short, I would wish for more long nights of rocking you to sleep...


If Only I Knew...
       That my memories of you would be so precious, I would take the time to carefully gather your life story....

For my Daddy

If Only I Knew...     

The Love and Strength and Support you've always given me were about to end.. I would run to your side and say thank you, for the million times you've made a difference.....
THE difference, in my life....

NEW YEAR'S EVE 2008

New Year

I've always had bitter-sweet feelings about the new year.... On one hand it feels as if we are all handed a clean slate and ordered to run with it.. fresh-faced and bright eyed.. on the other.. it is a time that I am reminded of all the year has brought with it and all of the things I have endured....

Not only this year do I think of this... but I have done so every year for the past 6 years..

I told my husband that maybe I just have really really bad luck (but then I start to think i'm pittying myself, and I stop).. My grandfather died 6 years ago new years eve night /early new years morning.. Up until this year...I struggled with that every December 31st...this time the obvious came to mind...

I was sitting in the leather chair by the large window in our den.. looking out at the moon.. it was full....  the house was quiet as josh & remy slept on the floor...The tv was on but had been muted..because sometimes..the sound of quietness is what I need...Bennett was in his crib asleep.. and there I was at last... 10:30pm..new years eve night.. me,myself,and I. For a moment, I wanted to wake Josh up because it was new years, and we should be up until at least midnight!!.... but then..... I stopped and appreciated the little bit of downtime that was finally my own... I'm sitting in the chair and memories start to flash in my mind...

I'm taken back to last year... new years eve 2008..  never before had I celebrated the new year with my parents and my grandmother...but last year I did...(i now realize this was a part of God's plan).  New Year's Eve 2009 was full of fun,family,and an unexpected future.  At the time Jennifer was newly pregnant... and little to my knowledge, so was I...

Yet, I remember that night my dad looking at me and saying... "you look different... in a good way though..just different.."  I think back now and wonder if his connection with Bennett was so strong that even at that moment... he was learning to become his angel.....  After what seemed like only a short while of being lost in my memories and thoughts.. I realized that it was almost midnight.... I turned the volume back up on the tv.. just in time for the countdown....

I hold it together until it reaches 1.... and then I start to sob... josh and remy still in the floor asleep.. and me still in the chair....I cry wishing that if only I had known last new years eve would have been the last we would all be together.... I would have held on to my daddy a little tighter when he leaned down to give me a hug and wish me the best for 2009......   I cry because even though I try to act like everything is okay... Everyday... still.... a little part of me dies... and I struggle to make it through....

I'm at a point where my my mind is filled with so many what ifs and just only's that I start to annoy myself...and I wonder that when people ask me how I am doing... or how my christmas was..if they truely want to know... or if I should just smile and be polite.. I'm starting to worry that people wont want to be around me or talk to me because of my emotions and how unstable they can be...  (I try to reasuure my friends that if we are talking and laughing... and I start to cry.. don't take it too personally... it happens all the time)

Christmas was a lot harder than expected..... Thanksgiving was difficult... but Christmas at some moments seemed unbearable... the fake smile... and half-hearted laughs... all pretend... all for show..... inside i'm miserable and all that is holding me together is the 4 month old that I am holding on to... his face, his smile, his eyes... all keep me sane.... he was my little christmas angel....

I tell Josh that I want to go see my Daddy and wish him a merry christmas.. and of course he agrees to take me... we pull into the graveyard and once again, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is playing... (it's on a CD.. but it somehow always seems to find the perfect time to make an entrance..)..  I climb out of the car and wrap my coat tight around me..keeping me warm.. but enternally i'm probably hoping the tighter I pull it, the more it will hold me physically together...I get half-way to my Daddy's grave.. and I hear a car door shut...  There is my husband... nervous... but willing and wanting to come with me...Just then it hit me that he had not been to see Tommy since the day of the funeral... and I can feel his pain on top of mine...my heart breaks so many times over... I feel Josh stand beside me..and I grab his hand... and that is all that is needed.... He knows there are no words.. and I know there is no consolation.. all I know is that I feel empty..

I stand there for a while.. staring at the roses through eyes blurred by tears....there are roses on 3 graves... My dad's, his mother's & his father's....I have so much I want to say.. but I don't know where to even begin... and as if on cue... Josh feels my struggle and says the words for me.. '"Merry Christmas Mr.Tommy".. I feel my knees begin to shake.. and Josh holds me tighter... if ever a wish could be wished into being... it would have been then.... but these things aren't possible...  and I think of all of the families... at that moment... who are with eachother.. who have their loved ones by their sides..and I start to pray... I pray to God that he helps my friends and their families realize what a special gift each day together is....

The sound of my Daddy's voice...the sound of real laughter coming from my mom..... or to look in the mirror and see a real, honest, whole-hearted smile on my own face .... these things would have meant more than anything I could have ever wished for..

We live in an uncertain world. When we leave home in the morning, we assume we will return in the evening.  When we say good-bye to loved ones, we take for granted we will see them again.  We presume they know we love them, so we seldom say the words.  Unfortunately, we fail to consider the mortal reality that this may not be the case....until it's too late.  Tomorrow does not always come.

Someone once said that "life is short, so keep short accounts with God."  That is wise advice, but I'd like to add that we should also keep short accounts with every person who is in our circle of love and life. We never know when life will be dramatically changed..... sometimes permanently.

Think about it.. Don't allow the regrets of "if only I knew" to be the final marker of your life. Be swift to love. Hurry to be kind.  Take time to make someone feel special.  Freely give hugs and kisses, and may "I love you" fall often on your lips.

Happy New Year......