Fear Becomes Me..

F E A R

Fear.....according to Webster is this: 1. (noun)- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; it is the feeling or condition of being afraid. Concern or anxiety; solicitude: such as a fear for someone's safety.

Before August 23... I could tell you what I thought fear was. Like a child in a spelling Bee, if I had been asked to "use the word a sentence", I would have said something simple...something ordinary. Such as, I have a fear of spiders. Or, I am afraid of storms.

Now....... fear has a new meaning to me....my fears are over whelming and consuming. I fear loss, I fear death, I fear the fact that I have no control over my life...no control what-so-ever. And it is the realization of this, that creates my biggest fear of all.

When you become a new mother...your mind naturally goes through times that you worry. You worry if you are providing what your child truely needs.  You worry about germs..which leads you to constantly encourage those around you to sanitize their hands..Thus, I now have dozens of bottles of purell always within reach.  You fear the day your child becomes sick.. or maybe gets a scratch or a bruise. All of these worries.. natural... and yet, understandable. But how do you deal with worry and fear that are outside of  what people claim to be normal and acceptable?

Nights are difficult on their own... my mind ridden with thoughts of my father and how or IF I am ever going to be able to be as happy as I was before that day.... will my family ever feel complete again?  Afterall, it took me a long time to ever gain what family I had ....just for it to be swept out from underneath me... abruptly....suddenly...and with utter cruelty...

Now a new fear has reared its ugly head....the fear of losing my baby..

I think back to the day I had Bennett... I am nervous and anxious, as any woman who is about to experience such a life changing event would be.  Yet, the nervousness and anxiety, is outlined with a golden light of joy and excitement.  I am vulnerable... completely open.... and uninhibited.  I am worried of my son's safety.. and slightly of mine...As for everyone else... they never cross my mind. Not once did I have reason to believe that I should worry if my parents were safe.. or for that fact, alive..My husband is by my side... I am happy, fulfilled.. and finally, I feel complete.

...all is well...

Now... those feelings are gone...happiness comes and goes, I feel unfulfilled... and am I feeling complete? hardly. All because of my fear..

My fear that if I turn my back for one second...something may happen to my baby. Something that can hurt him..and honestly, i worry about something happening that would take HIM away from me... because maybe God doesn't think I've earned the right to keep such a wonderful child..

 I'm just sitting here.... waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I fear falling asleep...my mind fears that sleep will bring with it unawareness.... the unawareness that could keep me from saving my child if he were to need me... I try to tell myself.. and I am fully aware that this is becoming a slight neurosis.... but how do I stop? 

How can I fully let go and trust that all will be well...For, the very last time I did... my world fell to pieces...
Someone...tell me how....I am desperate for an answer....yet, I never seem to get one..

I think of this... and once again, I am taken back to that moment... the moment I knew..

I am laying in the hospital bed...slightly afraid.. my mind is racing.. it had been two hours since my parents had left...and I was enjoying the time with my son & my husband.  The two loves of my life. 
Josh gets up from beside me..."to go get a drink" he says...he promises me that he will be back soon.

I now remember noticing that his phone had kept ringing....over and over and over..I slightly wondered what that was about...but I brush it off as ordinary..The room is dark... and silent. I convince myself that I will nap until he returns.. and I lay there...with a feeling in my heart that something is not right...time passes...and the fear continues to grow.

A C-section takes a toll on your body.  You can't reach for things, you can't sit up easily... and what I was soon to find out...you can't cry, or sob... because after all...it takes stomach muscles to do these things.. and mine had just been cut open.

Hours pass..and I am still alone...I try and try and try, in pain, to reach the phone laying on the table away from the bed.. because I am scared...my room is dark and silent.. and my husband has not come back...Finally, in tears, I get my hands close enough to the phone to grab it..and I start calling..

I call my husband..nothing.. I call my parent's house... nothing...I call my daddy...nothing... I call Josh's mom...and nothing...

Something is wrong....

The nurse comes in.... and I ask her for my baby... I beg her to bring him to me from the nursery.. I don't want to be alone... I want my son. I need my son......and i can tell her mind is struggling for an answer...for some excuse as to why he can't be brought to my room right now..

And the FEAR hits me....my baby is dead...I am sure of it...something is wrong with my sweet, beautiful, new baby boy...

I ask her to leave the door to my room open and to turn on the lights..for I am tired of sitting alone in the dark...my mind still racing..

It is soon after.. that I see a vision that I will NEVER get out of my mind..

Josh is first.. he is wearing a purple shirt and khaki pants...tears covering his face and streaming down his cheeks...he is shaking.... and FEAR CONSUMES ME....

my baby is dead........

Then I see doctors, nurses, and managers... all with the same look... and then I hear the sobbing.. coming from behind them...that is when I see my mother...wearing a white t-shirt and jeans...blood on her face and hands...she is being held up by someone...helping her take one step at a time...
Everyone enters my room... my mom says nothing...Josh comes to me and grabs my hand..and all I hear is this...
"Tommy.......honey..... tommy......there was an accident...."  Josh pauses to catch his breath.. because he is sobbing. The last words I hear, I can still hear freshly in my mind...

"He didn't make it honey.....tommy..... deann, he's dead"

I sit there....in so much pain from wearing myself out earlier just trying to get to a phone.. I sit there and I stare at the wall in front of me.. 20 people in my room... and I can say nothing..All i want to do is break down and sob.... my heart feels as if it has stopped beating...but I can't. I physically can't because, after all, it takes stomach muscles to do that.... a lesson I wish didn't have to learn that day..

My dad is dead.... and I can't even fall apart like I want to....so I continue to stare at the wall... consumed with fear, that has now gained a whole new meaning...