When angels speak...

A N G E L S

I've always been a firm believer of angels... they surround us everywhere we go...

They may not appear in the form that we are used to, the human form of our earthly world. Instead.. I believe that angels appear in the form of sun shining down on your face in a time of sorrow... a cool breeze blowing in your hair on a hot day when a lost loved one crosses your mind... or a feeling of warmth & serenity over your heart, when sadness seems to be trying to enter every thought...

After a one of my hardest nights... Our angel made sure to make his presence known through-out the day...

A few times a week... I go to the cemetary to visit my father...

I'm sure to some.. I appear like some crazy girl standing infront of a pile of dirt....laughing..crying... and even sometimes, out-right sobbing...

But I continue to stand there..... and then........ the words begin to come to me.. a little at a time...

I talk to my Daddy....I tell him what I am doing...

Yes, I stand there... with my baby... and I talk to him...I tell him of milestones with Bennett. The first time he smiled.. after calling Josh & my mom to spread the good news... Tommy crosses my mind...

For some uncontrollable reason.. for a split second.... just a tiny fraction of time..... my hand starts to dial his number...

but then I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember.... he won't be there. He won't answer his phone. He will not be on the other end.......I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember this.....

god... how pathetic does this sound....

but for some of you, one day..... you will find yourself doing the same thing... because, after-all, for so many years you called this person... for so many years ... and now, abrubtly, you MUST stop............... hard to grasp..... but like my sweet baby boy... i'm still learning how to use my new hands in this new world... and grasping an object such as this is not something I have quite mastered................... but still i try........

So it was at that moment.. I get into my car... with my newly smiling baby.. and I drive to the cemetary to visit my Daddy... to TELL HIM that our little Bennett just smiled at me... for the very first time....

there is a part of me that believes that he can still hear me...
then there is the other part of me that likes to show up during my "visits" to tell me that I am crazy for talking to someone who is dead.. like he is actually going to hear what I have to say.

But for the day... I brushed that negative thought to the side... because Tommy and I had A LOT of catching up to do............ I tell him about Bennett, how he continues to grow so fast, and how every time I realize how fast he is growing.. my heart breaks a little more... I tell him about Mom, and how every day she misses him more and more......Then I start to cry... because my heart literally feels like it is going to fall right out of my chest....

I ask him why....... why can't you be here... with us......why can't you be here to help us raise this little boy with the kindness and gentleness that you always showed me... it was you, who was going to teach Bennett how to be a true gentleman...because after all, you always were... every second of every day.... and never once did you falter.....

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR JOB..... you PROMISED me...YOU PROMISED..

I remember it being cloudy... It was hot and cloudy... and as I started to sob... I felt a cool breeze blow across me.... Bennett is laying his head on my shoulder.....and I whisper into his ear... "grandaddy is saying hello"......

and he smiles.... my sweet sleeping baby smiles.....and I know, that he can feel it too...

I gather my composure... say my goodbyes... and as I am walking to my car...the clouds break for a few moments... and the sun shines on us.... and I am certain that he is saying "goodbye...until next time...."

I want so desperately for all of this to be a dream.. something that is not real, that I am not having to experience.... this was supposed to be our year...... the best year yet..

A new baby to bring joy into a family that was ridden with past heartbreak and losses.. that seem to somehow always occur on or near holidays......Tommy's mother passed away right before christmas...... My grandfather started dying on new years eve night. and finally took his last breaths on the morning of January 1st........

With all of this...... it seems as if every year.... we would all be happy to see that year go.. and welcome a new year in.... because optimism forced us to believe.. that THIS YEAR would be the best... a new beginning...... a fresh start... filled with happiness and finally, a feeling of a completed family again.

but optimism also kept us blind to the reality, that we would have no control over the future events unseen....


All of this may seem morbid to some... but that is their opinion... and until they experience what I have experienced.. they can judge me all they want...because I know in the back of my mind that one day... they too will be in my shoes... probably not in the exact same way... but enough to maybe see and understand why I feel the things I feel or do the things I do...

Yesterday... Bennett was sitting in his swing..... smiling..something that he has become quite the expert at these days....... And he looked up, as if someone was standing above, looking over him...and he smiled.... The big eyed... wide mouth grin.... that I wish so much, Tommy could see...

And at that moment.. I heard a voice in my mind telling me to look over to the picture on the table at the end of my couch.... and when I do..... I see what God is wanting me to see...

A picture of the first time Tommy ever laid his eyes on Bennett..... The baby is wrapped up, laying in a hospital bassinet.. and my daddy is leaning over him....With a smile that was like no other smile I had seen on his face before...

it was at this moment that I knew... and realized.. that before he was to be taken away later that day... Tommy was already preparing to stand over Bennett... and be his guardian angel...

so of course I believe in angels... for lately.... I am visited by one every day....

The First time Tommy saw Bennett