Over half a year later.... and love lives on

It has been over 2 months since my last entry.... so much for my "weekly updates" ... but at least the want-to was there.... My lack of time dedicated to this blog lately is ABSOLUTELY coorelated with the time spent with Bennett.. He is now 7 months old and taking more and more of my time everyday... but i'm by no means complaining... it is just a sign of his advancing into more of a child and leaving the early days behind.


A thing, which at times, I desperately wish I could slow down.


I look back now and realize that in the beginning, all he did was sleep and eat..NOW... he does the same things.. but also plays, laughs, smiles, cries, screams, hugs, resists changing his diaper...gives kisses


.....and makes every day worth living for me...... what would I do without this little boy? He holds me together at the exact moment when all I want to do is fall apart. It's hard to explain.... there is this shadow that still seems to follow me around from day to day... this shadow of whispers and expectations. It says the same thing to me over and over..... "why aren't you over this by now.... time to move on...... time to get ahold of yourself"....... I try... God knows I try.... but it is still a constant battle.. one at times i'm not sure I will ever win.


Spring is here.... hard to believe...... but it has come.. the season of renewal, rebirth...... the grass is starting to stay green and flowers are starting to show their beautiful colors proudly. A season that always boldly grabs my attention and makes me welcome it's warmth with open arms. However.. this year, I have a new respect for spring...... the warmer air is not only good for the exterior that I carry around... but for the soul as well. A soul that seems as if it has been cold ,hard, and dead for quite a while......

I look outside and I see the trees blowing in the wind and the sun shining through the window. I have a new respect for these things... I take time now to actually feel the wind blowing against my face... or to feel the warmth of the sun against my skin... Do you? Do you ever really just stand there, even for a brief moment and fully appreciate the gift that God has given you.


The gift of a new day................and the ability to recognize it.


I still cry every day.... I guess these past few weeks have been worse than usual. I don't know what has been different or what has changed.... but i'm feeling as if this is getting harder, not easier to deal with. Or maybe it's just the fact that with each passing day... I realize that you aren't coming back.... that this is a permenant thing.....
Every afternoon, around 4 o'clock is the most difficult.... that was the time that my Daddy would always call or stop by and visit.... I can still hear his voice now, telling me that once Bennett was here, there would be no getting rid of him and no stopping him from spoiling that boy... and I wish so much that this was still a "problem" I really had to deal with...


During those times... if Bennett isn't sleeping... he & I slip away to the cemetary to say hello... we always take a flower or a note.... or something special, like a feather.


A feather had somehow drifted down to Bennett as I was carrying him to the car to put him in..... he immediately grabbed it, yet instead of putting it straight into his mouth, he just held it... he held it the whole way to the graveyard. Quietly sitting in his car seat, he just looked at his new prize with amazement. I pulled into the gates... got out and opened the door to take Bennett out, telling him the usual.... let's go say hey to grandaddy... still holding on tight to his feather, I carried him over to my Daddy and we knelt down and began to talk to "our angel". I told him about Bennett sitting up on his own now... and how he would be so proud of him and the way he says "mama"... I tell him that we miss him still everyday... and that at times I don't know if mom & I can make it without him holding us together....the tears start falling naturally... and i feel as if I just want to let go and slip away.... i wish at times I could just blend in with the dirt i'm surrounded by...


I wasn't ready for this... I wasn't ready to be on my own...Yes, I am an adult.... but no matter how old you are...most of us still look to someone for guidance and answers... someone that grounds you with a sense of security and stability.... my rock is gone.... and i'm now floating freely... trying hard to not to drown..


Bennett is quiet in my arms.... his head on my shoulder.. he just listens to me talking to this ledger of granite like some mad woman...but then he turns to look at my face, feather still in his little tiny hands..... he smiles the way Bennett smiles.. and i gain a sense of security again through him..... I smile back and tell him Grandaddy sure would be proud of how much he has accomplished already... I tell him how much he was loved before he was even born.... and it is at this moment he slowly opens his fingers and lets his little feather go.
I watch it slowly float down and land on my Daddy's grave... stopping on the date of death - August 23, 2009... the strongest connection between two of the greatest men in my life...The date one came into my world and the date one left...


It's then that I know he is telling me he is still here...

And even though I cry like crazy and even though it hurts so bad... I'm thankful for what God gave me, and he's the perfect way to make you last.

.I'm learning how to live without you... even though I don't want to.


And even with you gone... love lives on...


I just know that some day he's going to ask me what kind of man you'd been.... I'll tell him all the ways I loved you... and all the you I see in him...


Kind.... Gentle.... Patient.... perfect in every way.....


Tommy..... you were the greatest man in my life.. you taught me how a man should really treat a woman. You helped me learn and demand the respect I deserve from others. You taught me that I have a self-worth. You taught by example. In the ways you loved my mother.... in the ways that we were always the most important part of your life. You never let anyone or anything come before us...


Mom always said that when she found you... she found herself......she found home.


I now can say that when God gave us Bennett... he gave me a little piece of everything I will ever hold dear. I look in his eyes and I see myself...I see mom...I see my loving husband.... and I feel your soul.... all from this little 7 month old boy holding on tightly to a tiny feather.....a feather that freely floats, but grounds itself just at the right time.


................I miss you

If Only I Knew...

I've decided that every couple of days I will post a few "If Only's". These will be helpful in reminding you of how short and unpredictable life can be. Maybe one of these "If Only's" will find its way to someone who needs to read it.. At the end, I will dedicate one to Tommy..

If Only I Knew....
     That grief and heartache would be so deep and devestating, I would have been there more often for others....


If Only I Knew....
     That even a child's days are sometimes cut short, I would wish for more long nights of rocking you to sleep...


If Only I Knew...
       That my memories of you would be so precious, I would take the time to carefully gather your life story....

For my Daddy

If Only I Knew...     

The Love and Strength and Support you've always given me were about to end.. I would run to your side and say thank you, for the million times you've made a difference.....
THE difference, in my life....

NEW YEAR'S EVE 2008

New Year

I've always had bitter-sweet feelings about the new year.... On one hand it feels as if we are all handed a clean slate and ordered to run with it.. fresh-faced and bright eyed.. on the other.. it is a time that I am reminded of all the year has brought with it and all of the things I have endured....

Not only this year do I think of this... but I have done so every year for the past 6 years..

I told my husband that maybe I just have really really bad luck (but then I start to think i'm pittying myself, and I stop).. My grandfather died 6 years ago new years eve night /early new years morning.. Up until this year...I struggled with that every December 31st...this time the obvious came to mind...

I was sitting in the leather chair by the large window in our den.. looking out at the moon.. it was full....  the house was quiet as josh & remy slept on the floor...The tv was on but had been muted..because sometimes..the sound of quietness is what I need...Bennett was in his crib asleep.. and there I was at last... 10:30pm..new years eve night.. me,myself,and I. For a moment, I wanted to wake Josh up because it was new years, and we should be up until at least midnight!!.... but then..... I stopped and appreciated the little bit of downtime that was finally my own... I'm sitting in the chair and memories start to flash in my mind...

I'm taken back to last year... new years eve 2008..  never before had I celebrated the new year with my parents and my grandmother...but last year I did...(i now realize this was a part of God's plan).  New Year's Eve 2009 was full of fun,family,and an unexpected future.  At the time Jennifer was newly pregnant... and little to my knowledge, so was I...

Yet, I remember that night my dad looking at me and saying... "you look different... in a good way though..just different.."  I think back now and wonder if his connection with Bennett was so strong that even at that moment... he was learning to become his angel.....  After what seemed like only a short while of being lost in my memories and thoughts.. I realized that it was almost midnight.... I turned the volume back up on the tv.. just in time for the countdown....

I hold it together until it reaches 1.... and then I start to sob... josh and remy still in the floor asleep.. and me still in the chair....I cry wishing that if only I had known last new years eve would have been the last we would all be together.... I would have held on to my daddy a little tighter when he leaned down to give me a hug and wish me the best for 2009......   I cry because even though I try to act like everything is okay... Everyday... still.... a little part of me dies... and I struggle to make it through....

I'm at a point where my my mind is filled with so many what ifs and just only's that I start to annoy myself...and I wonder that when people ask me how I am doing... or how my christmas was..if they truely want to know... or if I should just smile and be polite.. I'm starting to worry that people wont want to be around me or talk to me because of my emotions and how unstable they can be...  (I try to reasuure my friends that if we are talking and laughing... and I start to cry.. don't take it too personally... it happens all the time)

Christmas was a lot harder than expected..... Thanksgiving was difficult... but Christmas at some moments seemed unbearable... the fake smile... and half-hearted laughs... all pretend... all for show..... inside i'm miserable and all that is holding me together is the 4 month old that I am holding on to... his face, his smile, his eyes... all keep me sane.... he was my little christmas angel....

I tell Josh that I want to go see my Daddy and wish him a merry christmas.. and of course he agrees to take me... we pull into the graveyard and once again, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is playing... (it's on a CD.. but it somehow always seems to find the perfect time to make an entrance..)..  I climb out of the car and wrap my coat tight around me..keeping me warm.. but enternally i'm probably hoping the tighter I pull it, the more it will hold me physically together...I get half-way to my Daddy's grave.. and I hear a car door shut...  There is my husband... nervous... but willing and wanting to come with me...Just then it hit me that he had not been to see Tommy since the day of the funeral... and I can feel his pain on top of mine...my heart breaks so many times over... I feel Josh stand beside me..and I grab his hand... and that is all that is needed.... He knows there are no words.. and I know there is no consolation.. all I know is that I feel empty..

I stand there for a while.. staring at the roses through eyes blurred by tears....there are roses on 3 graves... My dad's, his mother's & his father's....I have so much I want to say.. but I don't know where to even begin... and as if on cue... Josh feels my struggle and says the words for me.. '"Merry Christmas Mr.Tommy".. I feel my knees begin to shake.. and Josh holds me tighter... if ever a wish could be wished into being... it would have been then.... but these things aren't possible...  and I think of all of the families... at that moment... who are with eachother.. who have their loved ones by their sides..and I start to pray... I pray to God that he helps my friends and their families realize what a special gift each day together is....

The sound of my Daddy's voice...the sound of real laughter coming from my mom..... or to look in the mirror and see a real, honest, whole-hearted smile on my own face .... these things would have meant more than anything I could have ever wished for..

We live in an uncertain world. When we leave home in the morning, we assume we will return in the evening.  When we say good-bye to loved ones, we take for granted we will see them again.  We presume they know we love them, so we seldom say the words.  Unfortunately, we fail to consider the mortal reality that this may not be the case....until it's too late.  Tomorrow does not always come.

Someone once said that "life is short, so keep short accounts with God."  That is wise advice, but I'd like to add that we should also keep short accounts with every person who is in our circle of love and life. We never know when life will be dramatically changed..... sometimes permanently.

Think about it.. Don't allow the regrets of "if only I knew" to be the final marker of your life. Be swift to love. Hurry to be kind.  Take time to make someone feel special.  Freely give hugs and kisses, and may "I love you" fall often on your lips.

Happy New Year......

Kahlil Gibran

Today is Bennett's 3 month birthday! yes..I am one of those mothers.... I keep up with every week... and until he is one year old, we will have monthly birthdays....decision final :)

And yes, that means it has been 3 months since the accident.  It is crazy how fast time goes by when it creeps along so slowly...

Bennett has started using his hands more and more... he will lay on his play mat and try so hard to get the bird or the elephant hanging above him... he lays there and just coos and babbles on and on.... I could watch him for hours.. literally.  I've been noticing that the most dominant hand is his left hand...even Josh mentioned the fact that he is so good at reaching and grasping with it.

Josh also mentioned something about Bennett not being able to use his guns to hunt IF he is left handed..

Found out tonight from my mom that Tommy was left handed.....

coincidence?

maybe so.... but to me, I find comfort even in something as small as that..


Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."



And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Catching emotions off guard...

E M O T I O N S

There are many of them...some bring on a sense of happiness, calmness, and serenity.  While others can bring about feelings of fear, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed.

When someone goes through a life-altering event, it is quite obvious to say that they will experience what I like to call an emotional rollercoaster.  With the same ups,downs, and sometimes the feeling of falling (out of control that is) as you would find on a ride at Disney World..However, I believe that the hardest emotions are the ones that catch you off guard.  The ones that seemed as if they were hiding behind some corner waiting for you to turn your back and then suddenly, they slam you.  I find this tends to happen at the most "inappropriate" of times..such as when you are in public. Then there you are..... the strange person crying or panicking, for what seems to a stranger, no apparent reason.... I'm pretty sure I have walked away from a place leaving a few people wondering, "what in the hell is wrong with that girl...." 

If only they knew....

The past couple of weeks have been busy.. which has been nice. A good escape from MY reality into the reality of the real world is a welcomed vacation. Our store participated in the chirstmas show at the Greenville Convention Center... which took a lot of preparation and time for those who helped make it all happen.  I tried to be the go between person, hanging around just in case they needed an extra hand.

However, I don't know, now looking back, if I was much help... Realizing that being in the christmas spirit is not something that is at the top of my list these days....But for Bennett.... I try

I walked between booths..looking at what everyone had to offer.  The place was crowded... christmas lights and decorations adorned every wall... a gift for every occasion....

whatever you needed...it was there.  I noticed that people looked happy.... happy and excited.......

I'm jealous.

I stopped by a particular booth... something about their setup caught my eye.. and for a brief second, I felt that twinge of holiday spirit...until I saw the picture frame.  An ivory frame... delicate, oranate, and beautiful..with words written in scrolling. 
At the top were written two words:  Me & Grandaddy
At the bottom: We're Best Buddies

See... here comes that whole.... suprise emotion element.... and all of a sudden, there I am... In public, in a convention center with over 3,000 people walking around... and I start to sob.

I get the weird looks.... then there are a few that stare at me oddly and say "honey, are you okay"...  and all I can do is cry... first suprise emotion: Sadness... second suprise emotion: Now im embarassed.... then the third one creeps up.. I become angry.. Angry at the fact that I am crying in public... (because like I mentioned, I am embarassed).. and angry that I have to feel like this... over one stupid picture frame.  (that is how I refer to it now... "the stupid picture frame"... defense mechanism I guess).

Or I hear people mention grandfathers and their love for their grandchildren.. and my heart breaks over and over and over.... and one million times over again.  My daddy was supposed to be able to be that way...like the frame said, he and Bennett were going to be best buddies.... He already knew it...He would tell me that when Bennett got older.. he was going to buy him his first pony and teach him how to ride... because after all, he already had a saddle for him to ride in...a small 13" saddle that used to be mine.  Tommy had saved it for Bennett...

But what can I do?  Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and putting a smile on my face is hard enough..

Now here I am... right in the middle of the holiday-season... when my holiday has been swept out from underneath me...I want so desperately to have the old innocent feelings back.  The feelings that you had when you were a child.... how special they were... and how long ago that was...

This year will be the hardest.. that's what everyone says...

Do I want to decorate for christmas? No...
Do I want to eat thanksgiving? No..

but for my Bennett... I will try my best.. that's all I can promise...I will try.  I am fortunate enough that this year he wont be able to tell how hard this will be.  He isn't expecting any presents or a huge christmas tree and that takes a load off of my shoulders..all he needs is his family.. and perfectly enough... my family is all that I want.

I'm looking at my coffee table now... and on the corner is a book we all know very well..

The Night Before Christmas..

I'm taken back to all of the years I had that read to me on christmas eve... The lights are low and i'm snuggled up next to my mom in bed.... anxiously waiting to fall asleep..just to wake up for Santa...and it is this vision that gives me the drive to create these special memories for Bennett.

So this year... during thanksgiving & during christmas.. and even until new years day... I will try my hardest.. and yes, I will probably faulter here and there... but I will try my best to give my baby a special first holiday

It will be our first without my Daddy... but our first with Bennett....
The worst of times and the best of times....they love to come at once..

But I know we will get through this together..... I have good friends and what little family I have left.. I will cling tightly too... because even though these moments coming up are the hardest to bare.. They will be the beginning of special memories for Bennett...and so with that, I am going to take the book off of my coffee table and carry it upstairs to his nursery.. where it will sit on his table until christmas eve.  Then he and I will snuggle in our chair, with the lights low, and begin our first holiday memory of many to come...

And then.... maybe just then... I will feel that old holiday spirit trying to creep back in. This time, a suprise emotion that I will gladly welcome.

Perfect Timing or Divine Intervention?

T I M I N G

Timing is everything.... or so I believe.  There are moments in our lives when we wish things would happen.... but they dont.  Then there are things that we wish would never occur, but they do..all at what seems to be the most inconvienent of times....These things seem to bother us because we feel as if nothing ever seems to happen at the "right time" or "when the time is right".... both phrases thrown around quite often...

Our days seems to be filled with "what ifs" or "if only's"....

I think of this and I am reminded of many late night convorsations with my mom.....For reasons unknown, I have always felt as if I am able to feel the presence of loved ones soon after they pass... Not in a Sylvia Brown psychic way... I haven't gone that crazy yet...but I feel their presence in ways that I believe are sent by God. Whether it be through a dream (such as after my grandfather died), in a cool breeze on a hot day, or through the sun breaking through the clouds just at "the perfect time".

Yet for my mother, her heart has been aching because she hasn't had any of those moments, which only add to her feelings of being truely alone...."Just a sign is all I want" she had mentioned soon after the accident.... "A sign that he is still with me"....but 2 months passed without anything.

My heart ached for her... because after all, how can you help someone with something such as that?  There is no dream factory where I can go create a "feel-better-he-is-still-with-you" dream and have it mailed to her the next day.... I'm not God, I can't provide her with a sense of peace when the nights are long and dark..So I did the only thing I knew to do... and that was pray... better yet, BEG, God to help her realize that our lives do not end here.... to help her see that even though my daddy is not here physically, their love WAS and IS SO STRONG that it can still be felt by her...if she would only take the time to BE STILL.. I prayed for him to work fast... because her faith and mine was beginning to fade....and my trust in God is already at a minimal level....Yet, this brings me back to timing....I was asking God to do something on my time... not his... because after all, my purpose and reasoning behind my request is much greater than his reason for responding or not responding....was it silly to think so? yes...and I realize this even more so now..

It was Monday afternoon, mom stayed home from work because physically, she wasn't feeling well...
Mentally, she is still struggling, as am I..but I think we have become so used to feeling "out of the ordinary" that feeling this way has somehow become our ordinary. 

      It was around 4:30 pm when sudddenly, I realized that I hadn't spoken to her since eight o'clock that morning...I worried..... because since "that day", I worry when I don't hear from her. Actually.... I panic..(but this is something that I am working on..one day at a time).After being unable to reach her on the phone, I decided to drive to her house... when I pulled up to the house and noticed that her truck was not in the drive-way.... I immediately begin to think the worst... (which is another habit I am working on..) ..... But before I can send myself into a frenzy, my heart is comforted when I see her pull into the end of the long gravel drive....

We meet in the middle and roll our windows down to speak...  I tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT, I try to play it off as if I am joking with her, but inside I am fighting back the tears... She smiles and apologizes....it's a half-hearted smile, but still, a smile...

Yet... somewhere underneath that smile, something is different.... I know my mother...I know her faces and what they mean.  When I was a child she used to tell me that she could always tell how I was feeling, just by looking at my eyes.  Now, as if the roles are reversed.... I look at her eyes and I know.... I know she is feeling pain....But for some reason...... the pain seems to have a bitter-sweet after taste. I tell her that I love her, something I am ALWAYS sure to do now... and I take Bennett home to rest for a while.. yet, a voice is telling me to call her... to really make sure she is okay. It is when I make this phone call that I learn something unexpected. God has given her the moment she has been yearning for, for so long.

   She had gone to the cemetary that afternoon.... something she does quite often.  She too talks to Tommy.  I sit here now wondering what she says to him.... I wonder how much her pain hurts... because mine, at times, feels debilitating.  She tells me, her voice shaking, that while she was standing over his grave... she noticed what looked like a soccer ball a few graves over.  Naturally, she became angry... the thought of children playing in the very place her beloved has been laid to rest was infuriating.  But before the negative emotion could grab a hold of her too tightly, she noticed a little black dog walking towards the ball.  She knelt down to call him, but he ignored her efforts to ignite any sort of companionship.  The dog simply went about his business...pouncing on the ball and entertaining himself...

She tells me that she doesn't think any thing else of the dog or the ball.... she just says her goodbyes to my daddy, like I often do, and walks to her truck.... not feeling anymore "over it" than she did before.

When she begins to tell me what happens next.... her voice becomes even more unsteady.. and she has to take several pauses to get through. Ever since the accident happened, my mom hasn't been able to listen to the radio, she keeps it turned off.  Anyone who has ever been heartbroken or has lost someone can relate.  It is almost as if every song has some part to it that will bring back memories or remind you of that person...Nevermind the fact that as she was pulling my dad out of the car... the radio was still on... 107.9, one of Tommy's favorite stations..

She tells me that she climbs into her F-350 Diesel and turns the key to allow the glow plugs to warm before she fully turns the key over.  As she is doing this... she notices that the little black dog has picked up his ball and has taken it over to where she had been standing... right there at my daddy's grave... where he sits and looks at her.......

Then she hears it......

the radio..... it is on.... and a certain song is playing.... a song that she tells me she has heard a thousand times before... but for some reason, never noticed the last verse and it is this verse that is playing as soon as she turns the key.  The verse that holds the message that God has been saving for her.  A message from my daddy to his wife....

"I've read somewhere statistics show
the man's always the first to go
And that makes sense, cause I know she wont be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any

I hope she takes her time
cause I dont mind, waitin' on a woman

Honey take your time....
cause I dont mind, waiting on a woman"

- Brad Paisley "Waiting on a Woman"

God didn't send my mom a "sign" or "message from above" when she asked for it.... he sent it to her when she needed it....

So mom, if you are reading this....remember.....take your time... because Daddy doesn't mind, waiting on a woman........