Life, Love, and a Golden Retriever

What are you searching for?

2011-07-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

In this life, we are constantly on a search.. although we may not recognize it as such. Sometimes it is an emptiness that we try to drive away. We search for methods to do that. For me, it was a subconcious search. All I knew was that I felt empty. I felt unwhole. Long before I tried to fill this void with pills.. I chose other paths that so many of us decide to go down.

At the time, I didn't recognize the emotion I was feeling as "emptiness". All I knew was that no matter what I did... I couldn't find complete happiness. It wasn't due to anyone or anything... This was strictly an enternal struggle I was dealing with. For some reason, unbeknowngst to me... I had a longing.. but I didn't know what I was longing for.

Growing up... I moved from town to town. We never stayed in one place for long. After thinking back to when I was young, I finally realized that I had moved a total of 9 times from the time I was 5 until I was 11. That doesnt give a young girl very good roots, I don't think.

We would eventually settle down in Bethel after my mom married Tommy and we made the sleepy little town our home.

But I guess you can say that it became familiar to always have something new and exciting going on. Eventually the moving from place to place would lose it's luster..and I found myself at 9 years old with no friends to call my own. I was always switching schools and was forever known as "the new girl". To this day, I still have horrible memories of my elementary and middle school days. It was a rough and unkind time for me.. I would retreat within myself and hold on to the loneliness that had become the only friend I would have for a while. I spent my time with animals.. They were kind.. they never said mean or hurtful things. But most importantly, they never let you down. Never in my life, do I ever remember a dog telling me that he would be at my dance recital and then never show up... So as far as I believed, people couldn't be trusted. They would make false promises and empty guarantees. This takes me back to a time when I was 6 years old. It is one of the few memories I have with my biological father... We were at a grocery store in Jacksonville, NC, a place that I called home for a little while. I remember walking in with him and being like any 6 year old girl.. I instantly fell in love with a doll that was sitting in a shiny pink box by the door. I begged and pleaded for my father to buy me this doll for my birthday. After all, he had forgotten about the doll he had promised at Christmas.. but like so many other times, it went unattended. He did like many parents often do and told me that if I behaved that he would purchase the doll on our way out. I believed him. I did my very best to stay quiet and to stay out of his way.. When he asked me to get something off the shelf, I quickly helped. Trying to be the most well behaved little girl I could be.

We came to the end of the check out line and there she was, the beautiful brown haired doll that I had been promised. I gently nudged my father's arms and quietly reminded him that he promised that if I behaved, the doll would be my birthday present. However, I will never forget his response... It would be one that would forever change my view of people as I would go through life.

He looked down at me and simply said " Deann, only Jesus keeps his promises"....

That was all it took... At 6 years old, I instantly learned that no matter what anyone told you... more than likely they would let you down. I was an impressionable child. Young and trusting... I had been let down by a person that was supposed to be someone I could depend on. Yes, to some this may seem like just a story about a little girl who didn't get what she wanted... but to me, it symbolized much more than that.

I don't tell this story as a bleeding heart... I tell it to offer insight to where I was coming from mentally and emotionally. Bouncing around from place to place... never growing roots, never settling down. And always wondering when someone was going to hurt me next. Of course there were other men in my life... not just my biological father, that would teach me distrust. As a single mother and woman, my mother dated occasionally. There was one particular boyfriend that I remember being very kind and very caring... I will always be thankful to him for showing me the ways of a good man before Tommy came along. However, there were men that weren't so kind. Some drank and drank heavily. Others had anger problems.

My mother worked long hours.. Trying to support herself and her daughter on her own wasn't an easy task. Many nights I spent alone.. Being young and scared on the inside, but acting brave and tough on the outside. I learned to take care of myself, make sure I had dinner, and go to bed... All by the age of 9.

Part of my need to act self sufficient and strong came from those moments when I was weak... and how I felt that those weaknesses caused me damage. One particular memory comes to mind. I was 8 years old and living in Arlington Square in Greenville. It would be another night that my mother would be working late and that I would have to fend for myself. Her boyfriend, at the time, was staying with us. He always intimidated me.. He had dark hair and a mustache and always seemed quick to anger. I learned early on to stay out of his way and to not bother him too much. That night, I was hungry. The peanut butter and jelly was gone... and all of the yogurt had been eaten. There was nothing else in the house that I could prepare on my own. After all, I was not allowed to use the stove without help. I remember walking into the living room where he was watching TV. I stood there for a minute, scared to ask him for help.. I didn't want to bother him. Finally, I gathered up the courage to ask him if he would help me make a grilled cheese sandwhich... He didn't acknowledge my question. I thought maybe he had not heard me... the TV was loud.. So, I walked a little closer to the chair and repeated my request.

The next thing I remember is the sharp sting of the back of his hand across my face. My vision went blurry for a few seconds and I toppled down to the floor. I quickly crawled onto my hands and knees to get up to run to my room. But I could not move fast enough. Before my little feet could hit the first step, I felt myself being lifted off of the ground by the back of my shirt. It was then that I heard the thud of my head against a wall and the pungent smell of alcohol of his breath. He leaned into my ear, calling me an "aggravating little bitch". I started to cry and apologize over and over for bothering him. I promised that next time I would leave him alone... if he would only let me go to my room. He let go of my collar and I ran up the stairs and into my room... Where I grabbed my little bunny and sat in the closet with my eyes closed tight. Just wishing I could move away... I had the plan mapped out in my mind. I would pack my suitcase in the morning and move to Memama and Grandaddy's house... I was safe there... they used kind words and gave hugs and kisses. There, I was free to be a little girl. But that night, in that closet... I swore to myself that I would never ask him for help again.. that anything I needed. I could do myself...

Little did I know how much this would affect me as I got older.

I would turn into someone that never could or would ask for help... Always taking care of myself. The emptiness that I felt inside was a secret I kept.. I thought to myself.. If only I had a "real family", I would be happy... but Tommy came along.. and as much as he loved me more than ANY MAN ever had before and as much as he completed my picturesque image of a family.. I still felt like I just didn't fit in.. No matter where I went, or who I was with. I felt alone.. Even in a room full of people.

Over the years I would try to fill this emptiness with material things... Clothes... Money... Status... These things would provide only temporary fulfillment. Then the familiar pain of emptiness would come back again. I just could not put my finger on it.... What was I missing? What did I need?

It has taken me years to realize what I was ultimately searching for... and it hasnt been until recently that I think i'm finally starting to get a grasp on what my whole life has been missing....... a true relationship with God.

It took me years of trying to run my own life and trying to fulfill my own destiny to realize that maybe I havent been doing the best job. Time after time of tearing my soul apart with "fillers"... I finally hit my knees in desperation.

I will never forget the April Sunday morning that I walked down to the alter at church... Accompanied by two friends... I walked before the congregation and I hit my knees. Tears flowed from my face and at that moment... I gave up, I gave in... and I gave it to God.

And in that same moment.... my heart began to be fulfilled.. bit by bit. Moment by moment... The unconditional love I had always longed for was being freely given to me. Starting with the forgiveness from our Heavenly Father that I felt so undeserving of.

I remember looking down into my folded hands and watching my tears roll down my fingers... It was in that instant that I felt a calming peacefulness start in my toes and move up through my body....

I knew, then and there, that Jesus had finally entered my heart.

He had been waiting all along for me to find him.... He wasn't hiding... I just had never searched in the right place before.

Until Now.

Guilt and Shame

2011-06-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

For many of us in this world.... there are parts of our lives that are painful to reflect upon. Whether it is a past action committed, or a word left unsaid. Either way you look at it, when we think about the things that might have been, had we been able to change things in our past, a familiar sting comes about.

For me it is hard to admitt my wrong doings. I don't believe there is anyone that likes to tell others about their darkest moments. Yet, it is important to realize that once light is shed on these things, we allow God to enter into a place that we normally try to shut him out of.

My father used to always tell me, "If you think something you might as well say it... Because God already knows it anyway"... Those words are so very true. When we try to hide our past, the only person we are trying to hide it from is ourselves. God knows every inequity of every moment... and once you ask so, he forgives you for them.

I was laying in my bed a few nights ago reading my bible... I have the Joyce Meyer Bible that I enjoy reading.. she has a way of explaining things in a manner that makes it easy for a common person such as myself to understand. I don't feel as if I need to be a Theologin to interpret the Word (I highly reccomend it!). As I was reaching torwards the steps on my side of the bed (a place that I keep my bible for easy access), I knocked it off the side and it landed face up, opened to a particular page.

Isaiah 43:25 - "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

My attention was drawn to this. Throughout the bible, Joyce Meyer has sections called "Everyday Life Points" and then a small discussion of a particular section of whatever book in the bible you may be reading. It was the verse mentioned above that she had decided to ellaborate on. In my nature, being the sinner that I am, was very eager to read all that I could about how I am to live with myself when I am so ashamed. She kept the discusion short and to the point, as Joyce Meyer always does.... No beating around the bush.

She simply asked the reader (myself) to think back to your prayers.... Do you constantly bring up the same things over and over? Why?..... For God tells us in the Bible, that when we pray with our whole hearts and ask God to forgive us of our past transgressions, he does. Not only does he forgive us, but he forgets our inequities as well. God states that "so is As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

What a healing thing to read and know..... In our church, we have been taught, that a sin is a sin is a sin... meaning, no matter what the affliction may be... one sin is no better than another, or "less severe"... It is hard to remember that when you replay your sins in your head over and over..

In some of my darkest moments, I did things that I am ashamed to admit. My addiction turned me into a liar and a theif. All I could think about was how to take care of me and my need. I stole medication from friends and family, and then lied to try and cover my mistakes... In a panicked state, all I could think about was saving my face, and not letting anyone know how troubled I really was.... Little did I know, I was only keeping the secret from myself. In my deepest of hearts, I never meant any of my actions to be malicious.. and I really believed that the only person I was hurting, was myself. I never imagined I was causing emotional pain to others..... and I am overcome with sadness when I think of this and realize that I was hurting so many people along the way. People that I really and truly cared about and loved. My very best friends and the very closest members of my family...

In my heart and mind, I justified my actions... Either they no longer needed the pills, because they were physically well, or they wouldn't miss just a few.... As mentioned before, all lies I told to myself, I dont know, maybe in some odd way I was trying to soften the blow to my conscience by minimizing my actions.

However, none of that mattered... when faced with my actions, the pain of conviction and ache of guilt from what I had done was still the same. I did things that were wrong and I couldn't deny that.

A year ago, before I left for treatment... I had led myself down a path so destructive, I couldn't remember where the real truth began and where it ended.. or how I had even wound up at the point I was at.. I had woven a very tangled web.. all in efforts to protect my habit... And this spring, even though I had not gone down such a destructive road again, the slip I had could have easily led me down the same path... and I am forever greatful that it was stopped before it reached that point... from the bottom of my heart, I truly mean that.

I wake up today with a new feeling of gratitude and blessing. However, it has taken me at least 7 weeks to get here. After my relapse, I had times in the mornings where I didn't care if I woke up... the guilt and shame I felt consumed me. I really believed that my husband and children would be better off without me in their lives, messing things up... and I somehow wished I could just evaporate into the air and escape myself.

The first time I told someone this, she didn't laugh... she didn't blow me off.... and she didn't call me crazy. She simply said " I understand...... and you never have to feel this way again"... That's all it took. For someone to understand.... for someone to take my hand and say, "you arent alone"..

She advised me every morning to wake up and pray.... as soon as my eyes opened, I needed to find a quiet spot and give thanks to God. Give thanks to the one that has led me down this road, seeing fit to give me a second chance at life, and living it the right way.

And so I do..... Every morning I take 15 minutes to myself. Even if that means my boys have to lay in their beds for a few extra minutes, I take that precious time and I pray. I thank god for keeping me safe another day and allowing me to wake up to see the sun rise on a new morning.... For I know that those few minutes make all of the difference in my day. Those few minutes allow me to be the wife and mother God created me to be.... They help mold me into the friend that in my heart I am striving torwards. I ask God to bring peace into my heart and to always help me find the path that he has laid out for me... and to give me the strength and courage to walk down it with my head held high. Then the Serenity Prayer follows...

God, Grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference

If anyone out there is going through these feelings.... Know that you are not alone.... I understand. I understand how your heart can feel hollow and empty and how you can feel as if you have acheieved in ultimately defeating yourself. You may feel alone... but you are not. God is forever by your side. He promises to never leave us, and he doesnt. People may talk and people may be surprised by the things they hear about you.. but God is never surprised.. God knew you from the moment you were created... he knew your heart and he knew your life. And when he came to know you.. he also came to believe in you. He guides you with his heart and with his hand... he never turns his back on you... even if you have turned your back on yourself.

Pray..... pray to him.... Ask him to remove you of your shortcomings and your inequities.... and then let it go... it is better left up to him anyway.

This doesnt mean that once you start to talk to God, that all of your pain and all of your suffering goes away.. because it doesn't. Instead, God equpits you with the abilities to handle it as you should... and in the light of him.

There is a book that tells us that... "We will not regret the past... Nor, wish to shut the door on it"

I am beginning to understand the meaning behind that. It means, put the baseball bat down and stop beating yourself over the head.... what is done is done (.. God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change)... Now, it is up to me to take my past and learn from it... look at my past actions as markers of where I don't want to return...and change the parts of me that lead me to those actions (The courage to change the things that I can)... But dwelling in the past doesn't change your future.. it only keeps it from flourishing into the beautiful life that God has laid out so perfectly for us..Instead, treat your past like an old ex... acknowledging it when it makes an appearance, but always keeping your eyes and heart on the moment standing beside you... your present (And the wisdom to know the difference..)

How it all began...the first few weeks

2011-05-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Through out my late teens and early 20's, I had always liked to have fun. For me, this meant going to bars and staying out late with friends. Alcohol filled a void and gave me a new feeling of being carefree.. a feeling that I thoroughly enjoyed and never wanted to let go of. I guess you could say that since I had to always be the adult as a child... that once I grew up and actually became an adult, I felt I was justified in wanting to act like a child. I only recognize this behavior now as childish.... However, while I was in the throws of it, it seemed to me as only a meer way of letting loose and letting go.... a pleasant escape from reality... and if you couldn't understand, then I was sorry... it wasn't my problem, it was yours.

We had no children..... no responsibilities... As long as I made it to class... I didn't see the problem. Never mind the fact that I would wake up with my head spinning and making every effort I could not to throw up in the car...

......The beautiful and glorious days of being hungover.... it was sickening

I look back now and don't understand what appealed so much to me about that. It was a time of reckless abandon, I thank God that I never hurt myself or anyone during those days. Selfish behavior was running riot in my life and all I cared about was myself and how a situation affected me.

These days are nauseating... I could very easily become disgusted with myself.

The years passed by and slowly alcohol lost it's appeal to me, I found that I didn't care to drink. However, another drug had taken over my life.. a drug that was introduced by these new friends I mentioned earlier. I lost 30 pounds and felt that I had never looked better in my life. It is a shame that even though the outward appearances had improved, my insides were slowly being torn apart.. The idea that I could suffer a heart attack or a stroke, never crossed my mind. Or if it did, I was too wrapped up in it to care..

That is the way addiction works.... it becomes so powerful and so consuming, that even with knowledge of possible harm, your body screams to just do it one more time... just once.....but as I have learned, one is too many and 1,000 will never be enough..

... This escapade lasted only a few months and eventually stopped as well. These experiences only strengthening the idea in my head that people who had problems with drug addiction or alcohol were full of it.. It was simply a matter of will-power and telling yourself no. Easy as that......

I was setting myself up for a huge slap in the face and a wake up call delivered straight from the hands of God.

Addictions, no matter the source, resemble the life of a passenger on the Titanic. You can switch from room to room... The room of alcohol may lose its appeal, so then you go to the room of Cocaine... and when that is no longer fun, you switch to the room of co-dependency... looking for others to validate you.

However many times you decide to change rooms.... one fact remains true....

The ship is still going down.......

I wish I had known then that this is what was going on in my life... Yet, at the time, I never even believed for a second that I had any sort of addiction problem.. I honestly and truly just didn't consider the idea.

"See how easily you can stop", I would tell myself... "This isnt addiction, this is just recreation... youre young, youre having fun, what is the harm? If you need to stop, you will. See.... you stopped drinking all the time.. and you put your nasty cocaine habit away..."

Even though I realize now that all of the signs were there... when you are absorbed in the moment, sometimes the hardest thing to see is the thing that is right in front of your face. Call me naive, but I just did not see it..

Fast forward a couple of years later and here I am... pregnant with my first son. The idea of taking a drink or any drug for that matter had long left my mind... I had moved on and I was growing up. My responsibilities were now directed towards my husband and our growing family.. and I can say that I was going through one of the happiest times in my life.

August 23rd arrived... and at 4:17 in the morning, Parker Bennett Roberson was born. Arriving 5 weeks early, he was the most perfect and beautiful thing I had ever been a part of. I felt like I had just accomplished one of the greatest moments I would ever experience.

Even though I was dissapointed by the fact that I had to have a c-section, none of that mattered anymore when I held that precious little boy in my arms. The world stood still and for a second, I was completely and utterly blown away. The day couldnt have been any better. We were surrounded by our family and friends.. with smiling faces from every corner. I wasn't affected by the pain, they had me connected to a PCA pump that delivered morphine through an IV anytime I hit the button. Even though I was uncomfortable, the joy of my new son and the euphoria I felt from holding him, easily drowned out any signal from my body that I had just undergone major abdominal surgery. I am proud to say that I would have to be reminded by the nurse to push that button...

6:30 pm...... I am laying in my hospital bed... Josh leaves the room after a phone call and doesn't mention where he is going.... he just gets up and steps out...

8:30pm... I am still alone... I have no one in the room, my baby is in the nursery... and I am absolutely alone... By this time I am sick to my stomach with worry. I have called josh 100 times and he doesnt answer my calls... I call every family member I can think of.......nothing.................. It is at this time, I begin to cry. I am alone, in the dark, and I can not find anyone. I call out to the nurse and ask her to please bring me my son... I was grasping for any feeling of comfort I could find... and that comfort, I believed, could be found in Bennett. I wanted to hold him and feel his sweet warm breath against my cheek. Even though I wanted to hold him... in reality, he would have been holding me.

The nurse tells me that the doctors are with him and that he can't come to my room at the time. I immediatly feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. As a mother, my mind begins to race... I suddenly feel that there is something very wrong... I start to wonder if my baby is dead, if that is why no one will bring him... if that is why no one will answer my calls...... I am crawling in my skin.... I want to run out of the door screaming and begging for someone to please tell me what is going on...

But I can't....I am confined to a hospital bed.... my stomach has been cut open... and I can't move. I am stuck and I am in one of the worst physical predicaments of my life. Completely and totally helpless.

It is at this moment that I see something that to this day, still runs through my mind. I see josh... I see steve.. I see my grandmother... and I see a group of our closest friends.. followed by 2 of my doctors... and somewhere in the middle, I see my mother. She is shaking.. unable to walk... and covered in blood..

Josh comes to me and carries out one of the hardest actions I believe anyone in this life would ever have to do. He grabs my hand... and through a trembling voice, I hear him say the words I will never forget.

... Deann... I'm so sorry..... Tommy has been in an accident...

I ask him if my daddy is okay... hoping and praying that somewhere in all of this, God has found a way to grant us mercey... Surely.... the God I believed in wouldnt do this to me. He wouldnt give me the happiest day of my life just to rip it away in one of the most cruel and hurtful ways imaginable..

But the answer I am looking for is not there... and all I hear is... "he's dead"..

A deep and painful knot develops in my throat.... and I feel sick to my stomach...I start to shake and the tears fall from my eyes.... flooding down my cheek...

I can't stop crying... all I want to do is close my eyes and go back to the way it was just a few hours before.. Where I can sit in my room, and look in the corner at Tommy... beaming from ear to hear as he holds his precious grandson and sings to him a song that his daddy used to sing to him...

I feel deep sobs building in my chest..... but I can't let them go.... It was at that moment that I learned that in order to sob.. your stomach muscles have to be intact... and frankly, mine are not.. Instead, they are hanging on together by a few stitches... With each wail that tries to escape from my mouth... a horrible and burning pain shoots from my stomach up into my chest.... and at that very moment, it hits me.... I cant even cry like I need to... and there again, I feel completely and totally helpless.

My hands reach for the button.... I need something to ease the physical pain I am in.... a few minutes later I realize that I don't hurt so much... not just physically, but emotionally as well... and for just a moment, this situation seems managable.

Days go by and the funeral has arrived.... From the moment I left the hospital, I have been on my feet. Well wishers come to our house to see the new baby.... and then to offer condolances at the same time..Their eyes give it all away....

I havent rested.... I can't sit still... if I do, I start to think too much... and then I feel as if I am going to lose my mind... So I keep myself up and busy... By this time, it is a week later and I have gone through a prescription of Percocet... I had reached a point where my incision was starting to swell even more, and I was anemic from losing blood... my blood pressure was elevated and it was obvious I was in pain due to the fact that I hadn't taken a single minute to allow my body to try to heal.. So I took my medicine every 4 hours, as directed, and I soldiered on.. I kept a strong front for my mother and my family.. I had to hold myself together for my son.

I call my doctor and ask them about refilling my medication. I have to be at the funeral in a few hours and I will be on my feet all day.. The doctor agrees and mentions that he will make sure that I have enough to get me through the next few weeks since the situation at hand has called for a greater physical demand than most.

At this time, I am still not psychologically or physically addicted.. and, had I been able to stop then, I probably never would have become that way.... Yet, a few weeks later, I am in the hospital again... having another surgery related to complications from the c-section... and so it begins..

6 weeks of continued use, moving from one surgery to the next.. with one complication followed by another..

My body has now become accustomed to the chemical componets of this medication.. I am directed by the physician to take 2 tablets instead of 1 to limit the pain from the most recent surgery. He tells me that it is normal for the body to need an increased dosage after being exposed for a period of time. I just wish he had told me then, what so many tell me now... all it takes is 2 weeks..... just 2 weeks.. and your body can become dependent.

and unknowingly, that is exactly what was starting to happen to me...

One Year later... and a battle of a lifetime

2011-05-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

As I look back at the entries from last year, I am overwhelmed by the emotion I was experiencing. The pain of loss and suffering is so apparent to me now. I almost feel as if I am an outsider looking into my own life as I read the words that I wrote so effortlessly last spring..

I look back and feel the sting of the reality of the situation.. not only was I suffering the imense pain of the loss of a father, I was suffering the pain of a loss of myself... Oh how I wish I could speak to that woman from last spring and tell her... STOP, PRAY, and dear God.. please ask someone for help... I wonder if things now would be different if I had known then, the amount of heartache I would bring upon myself.... Little did I know, but I was entering the battle of a lifetime.

I sit here as I write... and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I am nervous... I am scared... I am aprehensive. For a while, I have been struggling with the notion of letting so many people into some of the darkest parts of my life. At first, the worry of judgement overwhelms me.... but then there is a sense of peace. I feel a familiar voice in my heart telling me to let go and reach out... I sometimes wonder if that familiar voice is that of God. A voice that for so long, I ignored when convienent.

But as I have learned, his whisper soon turns into a loud demand that I can only put off for so long.

So today, I am taking a risk and putting myself out there.. in hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone can find consolation in knowing they are not alone.. because for so long, I felt as if I was... Chalk it up to living in a small town.. but it isnt difficult to feel like the isolated blacksheep when it seems as if you are the only one with these struggles. The struggle of addiction or alcoholism. My drug of choice was pain killers... I had learned that not only does it relieve physical pain.. but emotional pain as well.

Or at least so I thought... I would later learn in rehab that all i was doing was putting a band aid over a much larger problem... covering...... covering....covering.....

Not actually dealing with the root of my sadness and hurt.

I only ask one thing of you... I ask that whoever you are, you keep an open heart and a tight tongue. It is so easy to judge those when you do not understand the situaton they are facing. I hope to help you understand all that I can about so many of us affected in some way by this horrible affliction. Either dealing with this disease themselves or having someone close to them fighting it. Each person in life has hardships and difficulties. Some of us are blessed with never knowing the heartaches that could be so easily cast upon us and.... some of us are not.

God gave us the shoes that fit our feet. It is our duty to walk in those shoes to the best of our ability. I now can say that I took my shoes, put them on, and when the walk got difficult, I looked to the only escape I knew.

No child ever says when they grow up that they want to become an addict or an alcoholic. When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I fit in somewhere, or that I belonged... With a single mother who worked non-stop, my environment wasn't the most stable or forgiving. I had to grow up and grow up fast... I had to take care of myself. If you had an emotion, you sucked it up and delt with it on your own.. The most important rule, never let anyone see you appearing weak. That meant, all smiles, all the time. It meant that when things got painful, it was YOUR job to hold everyone together and to get them through.... worry about yourself later.

Little did I know that this mindset that I had acquired at the age of 6 would become the mindset that would send me down a path of total and complete self-destruction.

Very simply put.... My father had been killed, I was a mother to two small children, a very close relationship with someone dear to me had been strained beyond any control... and I was hurt. My heart literally feels as if it is going to break into a million little pieces and leave me lifeless.

For several years before I had children, a did what most college students did. I drank... and I liked it. I like the feeling it gave me... that feeling of being confidant in myself and of who I was. I was a happier person.. I could forget about all of the things that made me feel so worn and beaten. There was a period where I drank and I drank a lot... at the time I couldnt see that I was the only one doing this. I simply wrote it off as not having the right friends... I needed friends that liked to have fun as much as I did.. and liked to have fun all the time. (I think back to this and I am humbled by my behavior. So many things I took for granted...)

Eventually these new "friends" led me to other things that would consume my life for a few years... things that I wouldnt escape until Josh and I became pregnant with our first child. I was amazed at how easily I put everything down.. no second guessing... I was becoming a mother and I was honored to be able to take pride in myself for once... I was creating a child, and I wanted to make sure that this little miracle would have the best life possible.. and that meant taking care of myself.

When I was in treatment a year ago at Fellowship Hall in Greensboro, a counseler that I grew to respect and love who had almost 30 years of sobriety, brought up a very good point that I had never thought about before. She asked me why I thought I was so easily able to stay clean and sober when I was pregnant. She then said something to me that would affect me immensely. She said, "It is time for you to love yourself as much as you love your children"... Hearing that felt awkward and wrong... I worried that it was selfish and self centered to put yourself first.

Only now am I starting to gain a true understanding of what she really meant... Recovery is something that we can only do for ourselves. We can't do it for our friends.... our families... our spouses... or even our children. I have to do this for ME... and me alone. They say that the one thing you put infront of your recovery, will be the first thing you lose.......

As I try to think of the words to say.... I am hit by the sting of reality... June 2nd, 2011 would have marked One Year for me... One year of being the person that GOD had created me to be... not the person I had formed myself into. Sadly, this date will come and pass without celebration. Instead, I am now thanking God for 36 days. After 10.5 months of a new life, I let my guard down. With the severity unknown to anyone, I was struggling with an immense hurt and heartache of emotionally losing someone very close to me.. someone that was my last tie to the memories of my father and our family. Exhausted from this turmoil and the countless days in and out of the hospital with our new son, followed by the emotional highs and lows... I became lost inside of my own head and misery.. and turned to the old familiar ways that I knew best. For two days, I patched my heartbreak with Percocet, rather than my faith and spirituality, and with those actions lost a friend and my serenity that I had worked so hard to obtain. And there I stood, April 21st.. back at square one... with my head hanging lower than it ever had. I had truly hit my rock bottom. Reflecting over this hurts me beyond words... I truly believe that disappointment in one's self is one of the most difficult things to endure. But for a moment... it is one of the most necessary things to feel. For this can give you the fire you need to reignite your true-self... the true-self that God so desperately wants the world to see and know.

I do not wish to shut the door on my past...for it can not be changed, no matter how hard I try to will it into fruition. My job is to take it as it is and pick myself back up and reach my hands toward God instead of the pill bottle. I dont ever want to forget the things I did.... the memories of those things, if I allow them, will always serve as a reminder and where I dont want to go and where I dont need to be. And this time, I will let them... no more trying to erase from my mind the notion of who I am. I am Deann... a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a person... But most importantly... I am a recovering addict.

All I know for certain is that for today.... I am where I need to be.

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him" DEUT. 30: 19-20

Over half a year later.... and love lives on

2010-03-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

It has been over 2 months since my last entry.... so much for my "weekly updates" ... but at least the want-to was there.... My lack of time dedicated to this blog lately is ABSOLUTELY coorelated with the time spent with Bennett.. He is now 7 months old and taking more and more of my time everyday... but i'm by no means complaining... it is just a sign of his advancing into more of a child and leaving the early days behind.

A thing, which at times, I desperately wish I could slow down.

I look back now and realize that in the beginning, all he did was sleep and eat..NOW... he does the same things.. but also plays, laughs, smiles, cries, screams, hugs, resists changing his diaper...gives kisses

.....and makes every day worth living for me...... what would I do without this little boy? He holds me together at the exact moment when all I want to do is fall apart. It's hard to explain.... there is this shadow that still seems to follow me around from day to day... this shadow of whispers and expectations. It says the same thing to me over and over..... "why aren't you over this by now.... time to move on...... time to get ahold of yourself"....... I try... God knows I try.... but it is still a constant battle.. one at times i'm not sure I will ever win.

Spring is here.... hard to believe...... but it has come.. the season of renewal, rebirth...... the grass is starting to stay green and flowers are starting to show their beautiful colors proudly. A season that always boldly grabs my attention and makes me welcome it's warmth with open arms. However.. this year, I have a new respect for spring...... the warmer air is not only good for the exterior that I carry around... but for the soul as well. A soul that seems as if it has been cold ,hard, and dead for quite a while......

I look outside and I see the trees blowing in the wind and the sun shining through the window. I have a new respect for these things... I take time now to actually feel the wind blowing against my face... or to feel the warmth of the sun against my skin... Do you? Do you ever really just stand there, even for a brief moment and fully appreciate the gift that God has given you.

The gift of a new day................and the ability to recognize it.

I still cry every day.... I guess these past few weeks have been worse than usual. I don't know what has been different or what has changed.... but i'm feeling as if this is getting harder, not easier to deal with. Or maybe it's just the fact that with each passing day... I realize that you aren't coming back.... that this is a permenant thing.....
Every afternoon, around 4 o'clock is the most difficult.... that was the time that my Daddy would always call or stop by and visit.... I can still hear his voice now, telling me that once Bennett was here, there would be no getting rid of him and no stopping him from spoiling that boy... and I wish so much that this was still a "problem" I really had to deal with...

During those times... if Bennett isn't sleeping... he & I slip away to the cemetary to say hello... we always take a flower or a note.... or something special, like a feather.

A feather had somehow drifted down to Bennett as I was carrying him to the car to put him in..... he immediately grabbed it, yet instead of putting it straight into his mouth, he just held it... he held it the whole way to the graveyard. Quietly sitting in his car seat, he just looked at his new prize with amazement. I pulled into the gates... got out and opened the door to take Bennett out, telling him the usual.... let's go say hey to grandaddy... still holding on tight to his feather, I carried him over to my Daddy and we knelt down and began to talk to "our angel". I told him about Bennett sitting up on his own now... and how he would be so proud of him and the way he says "mama"... I tell him that we miss him still everyday... and that at times I don't know if mom & I can make it without him holding us together....the tears start falling naturally... and i feel as if I just want to let go and slip away.... i wish at times I could just blend in with the dirt i'm surrounded by...

I wasn't ready for this... I wasn't ready to be on my own...Yes, I am an adult.... but no matter how old you are...most of us still look to someone for guidance and answers... someone that grounds you with a sense of security and stability.... my rock is gone.... and i'm now floating freely... trying hard to not to drown..

Bennett is quiet in my arms.... his head on my shoulder.. he just listens to me talking to this ledger of granite like some mad woman...but then he turns to look at my face, feather still in his little tiny hands..... he smiles the way Bennett smiles.. and i gain a sense of security again through him..... I smile back and tell him Grandaddy sure would be proud of how much he has accomplished already... I tell him how much he was loved before he was even born.... and it is at this moment he slowly opens his fingers and lets his little feather go.
I watch it slowly float down and land on my Daddy's grave... stopping on the date of death - August 23, 2009... the strongest connection between two of the greatest men in my life...The date one came into my world and the date one left...

It's then that I know he is telling me he is still here...

And even though I cry like crazy and even though it hurts so bad... I'm thankful for what God gave me, and he's the perfect way to make you last.

.I'm learning how to live without you... even though I don't want to.

And even with you gone... love lives on...

I just know that some day he's going to ask me what kind of man you'd been.... I'll tell him all the ways I loved you... and all the you I see in him...

Kind.... Gentle.... Patient.... perfect in every way.....

Tommy..... you were the greatest man in my life.. you taught me how a man should really treat a woman. You helped me learn and demand the respect I deserve from others. You taught me that I have a self-worth. You taught by example. In the ways you loved my mother.... in the ways that we were always the most important part of your life. You never let anyone or anything come before us...

Mom always said that when she found you... she found herself......she found home.

I now can say that when God gave us Bennett... he gave me a little piece of everything I will ever hold dear. I look in his eyes and I see myself...I see mom...I see my loving husband.... and I feel your soul.... all from this little 7 month old boy holding on tightly to a tiny feather.....a feather that freely floats, but grounds itself just at the right time.

................I miss you

If Only I Knew...

2010-01-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

I've decided that every couple of days I will post a few "If Only's". These will be helpful in reminding you of how short and unpredictable life can be. Maybe one of these "If Only's" will find its way to someone who needs to read it.. At the end, I will dedicate one to Tommy..

If Only I Knew....
     That grief and heartache would be so deep and devestating, I would have been there more often for others....

If Only I Knew....
     That even a child's days are sometimes cut short, I would wish for more long nights of rocking you to sleep...

If Only I Knew...
       That my memories of you would be so precious, I would take the time to carefully gather your life story....

For my Daddy

If Only I Knew...

The Love and Strength and Support you've always given me were about to end.. I would run to your side and say thank you, for the million times you've made a difference.....
THE difference, in my life....

2010-01-02T23:57:00.001-08:00

NEW YEAR'S EVE 2008

New Year

2010-01-02T22:48:00.000-08:00

I've always had bitter-sweet feelings about the new year.... On one hand it feels as if we are all handed a clean slate and ordered to run with it.. fresh-faced and bright eyed.. on the other.. it is a time that I am reminded of all the year has brought with it and all of the things I have endured....

Not only this year do I think of this... but I have done so every year for the past 6 years..

I told my husband that maybe I just have really really bad luck (but then I start to think i'm pittying myself, and I stop).. My grandfather died 6 years ago new years eve night /early new years morning.. Up until this year...I struggled with that every December 31st...this time the obvious came to mind...

I was sitting in the leather chair by the large window in our den.. looking out at the moon.. it was full.... the house was quiet as josh & remy slept on the floor...The tv was on but had been muted..because sometimes..the sound of quietness is what I need...Bennett was in his crib asleep.. and there I was at last... 10:30pm..new years eve night.. me,myself,and I. For a moment, I wanted to wake Josh up because it was new years, and we should be up until at least midnight!!.... but then..... I stopped and appreciated the little bit of downtime that was finally my own... I'm sitting in the chair and memories start to flash in my mind...

I'm taken back to last year... new years eve 2008.. never before had I celebrated the new year with my parents and my grandmother...but last year I did...(i now realize this was a part of God's plan). New Year's Eve 2009 was full of fun,family,and an unexpected future. At the time Jennifer was newly pregnant... and little to my knowledge, so was I...

Yet, I remember that night my dad looking at me and saying... "you look different... in a good way though..just different.." I think back now and wonder if his connection with Bennett was so strong that even at that moment... he was learning to become his angel..... After what seemed like only a short while of being lost in my memories and thoughts.. I realized that it was almost midnight.... I turned the volume back up on the tv.. just in time for the countdown....

I hold it together until it reaches 1.... and then I start to sob... josh and remy still in the floor asleep.. and me still in the chair....I cry wishing that if only I had known last new years eve would have been the last we would all be together.... I would have held on to my daddy a little tighter when he leaned down to give me a hug and wish me the best for 2009...... I cry because even though I try to act like everything is okay... Everyday... still.... a little part of me dies... and I struggle to make it through....

I'm at a point where my my mind is filled with so many what ifs and just only's that I start to annoy myself...and I wonder that when people ask me how I am doing... or how my christmas was..if they truely want to know... or if I should just smile and be polite.. I'm starting to worry that people wont want to be around me or talk to me because of my emotions and how unstable they can be... (I try to reasuure my friends that if we are talking and laughing... and I start to cry.. don't take it too personally... it happens all the time)

Christmas was a lot harder than expected..... Thanksgiving was difficult... but Christmas at some moments seemed unbearable... the fake smile... and half-hearted laughs... all pretend... all for show..... inside i'm miserable and all that is holding me together is the 4 month old that I am holding on to... his face, his smile, his eyes... all keep me sane.... he was my little christmas angel....

I tell Josh that I want to go see my Daddy and wish him a merry christmas.. and of course he agrees to take me... we pull into the graveyard and once again, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is playing... (it's on a CD.. but it somehow always seems to find the perfect time to make an entrance..).. I climb out of the car and wrap my coat tight around me..keeping me warm.. but enternally i'm probably hoping the tighter I pull it, the more it will hold me physically together...I get half-way to my Daddy's grave.. and I hear a car door shut... There is my husband... nervous... but willing and wanting to come with me...Just then it hit me that he had not been to see Tommy since the day of the funeral... and I can feel his pain on top of mine...my heart breaks so many times over... I feel Josh stand beside me..and I grab his hand... and that is all that is needed.... He knows there are no words.. and I know there is no consolation.. all I know is that I feel empty..

I stand there for a while.. staring at the roses through eyes blurred by tears....there are roses on 3 graves... My dad's, his mother's & his father's....I have so much I want to say.. but I don't know where to even begin... and as if on cue... Josh feels my struggle and says the words for me.. '"Merry Christmas Mr.Tommy".. I feel my knees begin to shake.. and Josh holds me tighter... if ever a wish could be wished into being... it would have been then.... but these things aren't possible... and I think of all of the families... at that moment... who are with eachother.. who have their loved ones by their sides..and I start to pray... I pray to God that he helps my friends and their families realize what a special gift each day together is....

The sound of my Daddy's voice...the sound of real laughter coming from my mom..... or to look in the mirror and see a real, honest, whole-hearted smile on my own face .... these things would have meant more than anything I could have ever wished for..

We live in an uncertain world. When we leave home in the morning, we assume we will return in the evening. When we say good-bye to loved ones, we take for granted we will see them again. We presume they know we love them, so we seldom say the words. Unfortunately, we fail to consider the mortal reality that this may not be the case....until it's too late. Tomorrow does not always come.

Someone once said that "life is short, so keep short accounts with God." That is wise advice, but I'd like to add that we should also keep short accounts with every person who is in our circle of love and life. We never know when life will be dramatically changed..... sometimes permanently.

Think about it.. Don't allow the regrets of "if only I knew" to be the final marker of your life. Be swift to love. Hurry to be kind. Take time to make someone feel special. Freely give hugs and kisses, and may "I love you" fall often on your lips.

Happy New Year......

Kahlil Gibran

2009-11-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

Today is Bennett's 3 month birthday! yes..I am one of those mothers.... I keep up with every week... and until he is one year old, we will have monthly birthdays....decision final :)

And yes, that means it has been 3 months since the accident. It is crazy how fast time goes by when it creeps along so slowly...

Bennett has started using his hands more and more... he will lay on his play mat and try so hard to get the bird or the elephant hanging above him... he lays there and just coos and babbles on and on.... I could watch him for hours.. literally. I've been noticing that the most dominant hand is his left hand...even Josh mentioned the fact that he is so good at reaching and grasping with it.

Josh also mentioned something about Bennett not being able to use his guns to hunt IF he is left handed..

Found out tonight from my mom that Tommy was left handed.....

coincidence?

maybe so.... but to me, I find comfort even in something as small as that..

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Catching emotions off guard...

2009-11-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

E M O T I O N S

There are many of them...some bring on a sense of happiness, calmness, and serenity. While others can bring about feelings of fear, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed.

When someone goes through a life-altering event, it is quite obvious to say that they will experience what I like to call an emotional rollercoaster. With the same ups,downs, and sometimes the feeling of falling (out of control that is) as you would find on a ride at Disney World..However, I believe that the hardest emotions are the ones that catch you off guard. The ones that seemed as if they were hiding behind some corner waiting for you to turn your back and then suddenly, they slam you. I find this tends to happen at the most "inappropriate" of times..such as when you are in public. Then there you are..... the strange person crying or panicking, for what seems to a stranger, no apparent reason.... I'm pretty sure I have walked away from a place leaving a few people wondering, "what in the hell is wrong with that girl...."

If only they knew....

The past couple of weeks have been busy.. which has been nice. A good escape from MY reality into the reality of the real world is a welcomed vacation. Our store participated in the chirstmas show at the Greenville Convention Center... which took a lot of preparation and time for those who helped make it all happen. I tried to be the go between person, hanging around just in case they needed an extra hand.

However, I don't know, now looking back, if I was much help... Realizing that being in the christmas spirit is not something that is at the top of my list these days....But for Bennett.... I try

I walked between booths..looking at what everyone had to offer. The place was crowded... christmas lights and decorations adorned every wall... a gift for every occasion....

whatever you needed...it was there. I noticed that people looked happy.... happy and excited.......

I'm jealous.

I stopped by a particular booth... something about their setup caught my eye.. and for a brief second, I felt that twinge of holiday spirit...until I saw the picture frame. An ivory frame... delicate, oranate, and beautiful..with words written in scrolling.
At the top were written two words: Me & Grandaddy
At the bottom: We're Best Buddies

See... here comes that whole.... suprise emotion element.... and all of a sudden, there I am... In public, in a convention center with over 3,000 people walking around... and I start to sob.

I get the weird looks.... then there are a few that stare at me oddly and say "honey, are you okay"... and all I can do is cry... first suprise emotion: Sadness... second suprise emotion: Now im embarassed.... then the third one creeps up.. I become angry.. Angry at the fact that I am crying in public... (because like I mentioned, I am embarassed).. and angry that I have to feel like this... over one stupid picture frame. (that is how I refer to it now... "the stupid picture frame"... defense mechanism I guess).

Or I hear people mention grandfathers and their love for their grandchildren.. and my heart breaks over and over and over.... and one million times over again. My daddy was supposed to be able to be that way...like the frame said, he and Bennett were going to be best buddies.... He already knew it...He would tell me that when Bennett got older.. he was going to buy him his first pony and teach him how to ride... because after all, he already had a saddle for him to ride in...a small 13" saddle that used to be mine. Tommy had saved it for Bennett...

But what can I do? Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and putting a smile on my face is hard enough..

Now here I am... right in the middle of the holiday-season... when my holiday has been swept out from underneath me...I want so desperately to have the old innocent feelings back. The feelings that you had when you were a child.... how special they were... and how long ago that was...

This year will be the hardest.. that's what everyone says...

Do I want to decorate for christmas? No...
Do I want to eat thanksgiving? No..

but for my Bennett... I will try my best.. that's all I can promise...I will try. I am fortunate enough that this year he wont be able to tell how hard this will be. He isn't expecting any presents or a huge christmas tree and that takes a load off of my shoulders..all he needs is his family.. and perfectly enough... my family is all that I want.

I'm looking at my coffee table now... and on the corner is a book we all know very well..

The Night Before Christmas..

I'm taken back to all of the years I had that read to me on christmas eve... The lights are low and i'm snuggled up next to my mom in bed.... anxiously waiting to fall asleep..just to wake up for Santa...and it is this vision that gives me the drive to create these special memories for Bennett.

So this year... during thanksgiving & during christmas.. and even until new years day... I will try my hardest.. and yes, I will probably faulter here and there... but I will try my best to give my baby a special first holiday

It will be our first without my Daddy... but our first with Bennett....
The worst of times and the best of times....they love to come at once..

But I know we will get through this together..... I have good friends and what little family I have left.. I will cling tightly too... because even though these moments coming up are the hardest to bare.. They will be the beginning of special memories for Bennett...and so with that, I am going to take the book off of my coffee table and carry it upstairs to his nursery.. where it will sit on his table until christmas eve. Then he and I will snuggle in our chair, with the lights low, and begin our first holiday memory of many to come...

And then.... maybe just then... I will feel that old holiday spirit trying to creep back in. This time, a suprise emotion that I will gladly welcome.

Perfect Timing or Divine Intervention?

2009-11-04T05:03:00.000-08:00

T I M I N G

Timing is everything.... or so I believe. There are moments in our lives when we wish things would happen.... but they dont. Then there are things that we wish would never occur, but they do..all at what seems to be the most inconvienent of times....These things seem to bother us because we feel as if nothing ever seems to happen at the "right time" or "when the time is right".... both phrases thrown around quite often...

Our days seems to be filled with "what ifs" or "if only's"....

I think of this and I am reminded of many late night convorsations with my mom.....For reasons unknown, I have always felt as if I am able to feel the presence of loved ones soon after they pass... Not in a Sylvia Brown psychic way... I haven't gone that crazy yet...but I feel their presence in ways that I believe are sent by God. Whether it be through a dream (such as after my grandfather died), in a cool breeze on a hot day, or through the sun breaking through the clouds just at "the perfect time".

Yet for my mother, her heart has been aching because she hasn't had any of those moments, which only add to her feelings of being truely alone...."Just a sign is all I want" she had mentioned soon after the accident.... "A sign that he is still with me"....but 2 months passed without anything.

My heart ached for her... because after all, how can you help someone with something such as that? There is no dream factory where I can go create a "feel-better-he-is-still-with-you" dream and have it mailed to her the next day.... I'm not God, I can't provide her with a sense of peace when the nights are long and dark..So I did the only thing I knew to do... and that was pray... better yet, BEG, God to help her realize that our lives do not end here.... to help her see that even though my daddy is not here physically, their love WAS and IS SO STRONG that it can still be felt by her...if she would only take the time to BE STILL.. I prayed for him to work fast... because her faith and mine was beginning to fade....and my trust in God is already at a minimal level....Yet, this brings me back to timing....I was asking God to do something on my time... not his... because after all, my purpose and reasoning behind my request is much greater than his reason for responding or not responding....was it silly to think so? yes...and I realize this even more so now..

It was Monday afternoon, mom stayed home from work because physically, she wasn't feeling well...
Mentally, she is still struggling, as am I..but I think we have become so used to feeling "out of the ordinary" that feeling this way has somehow become our ordinary.

      It was around 4:30 pm when sudddenly, I realized that I hadn't spoken to her since eight o'clock that morning...I worried..... because since "that day", I worry when I don't hear from her. Actually.... I panic..(but this is something that I am working on..one day at a time).After being unable to reach her on the phone, I decided to drive to her house... when I pulled up to the house and noticed that her truck was not in the drive-way.... I immediately begin to think the worst... (which is another habit I am working on..) ..... But before I can send myself into a frenzy, my heart is comforted when I see her pull into the end of the long gravel drive....

We meet in the middle and roll our windows down to speak... I tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT, I try to play it off as if I am joking with her, but inside I am fighting back the tears... She smiles and apologizes....it's a half-hearted smile, but still, a smile...

Yet... somewhere underneath that smile, something is different.... I know my mother...I know her faces and what they mean. When I was a child she used to tell me that she could always tell how I was feeling, just by looking at my eyes. Now, as if the roles are reversed.... I look at her eyes and I know.... I know she is feeling pain....But for some reason...... the pain seems to have a bitter-sweet after taste. I tell her that I love her, something I am ALWAYS sure to do now... and I take Bennett home to rest for a while.. yet, a voice is telling me to call her... to really make sure she is okay. It is when I make this phone call that I learn something unexpected. God has given her the moment she has been yearning for, for so long.

   She had gone to the cemetary that afternoon.... something she does quite often. She too talks to Tommy. I sit here now wondering what she says to him.... I wonder how much her pain hurts... because mine, at times, feels debilitating. She tells me, her voice shaking, that while she was standing over his grave... she noticed what looked like a soccer ball a few graves over. Naturally, she became angry... the thought of children playing in the very place her beloved has been laid to rest was infuriating. But before the negative emotion could grab a hold of her too tightly, she noticed a little black dog walking towards the ball. She knelt down to call him, but he ignored her efforts to ignite any sort of companionship. The dog simply went about his business...pouncing on the ball and entertaining himself...

She tells me that she doesn't think any thing else of the dog or the ball.... she just says her goodbyes to my daddy, like I often do, and walks to her truck.... not feeling anymore "over it" than she did before.

When she begins to tell me what happens next.... her voice becomes even more unsteady.. and she has to take several pauses to get through. Ever since the accident happened, my mom hasn't been able to listen to the radio, she keeps it turned off. Anyone who has ever been heartbroken or has lost someone can relate. It is almost as if every song has some part to it that will bring back memories or remind you of that person...Nevermind the fact that as she was pulling my dad out of the car... the radio was still on... 107.9, one of Tommy's favorite stations..

She tells me that she climbs into her F-350 Diesel and turns the key to allow the glow plugs to warm before she fully turns the key over. As she is doing this... she notices that the little black dog has picked up his ball and has taken it over to where she had been standing... right there at my daddy's grave... where he sits and looks at her.......

Then she hears it......

the radio..... it is on.... and a certain song is playing.... a song that she tells me she has heard a thousand times before... but for some reason, never noticed the last verse and it is this verse that is playing as soon as she turns the key.  The verse that holds the message that God has been saving for her. A message from my daddy to his wife....

"I've read somewhere statistics show
the man's always the first to go
And that makes sense, cause I know she wont be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any

I hope she takes her time
cause I dont mind, waitin' on a woman

Honey take your time....
cause I dont mind, waiting on a woman"

- Brad Paisley "Waiting on a Woman"

God didn't send my mom a "sign" or "message from above" when she asked for it.... he sent it to her when she needed it....

So mom, if you are reading this....remember.....take your time... because Daddy doesn't mind, waiting on a woman........

Fear Becomes Me..

2009-11-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

F E A R

Fear.....according to Webster is this: 1. (noun)- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; it is the feeling or condition of being afraid. Concern or anxiety; solicitude: such as a fear for someone's safety.

Before August 23... I could tell you what I thought fear was. Like a child in a spelling Bee, if I had been asked to "use the word a sentence", I would have said something simple...something ordinary. Such as, I have a fear of spiders. Or, I am afraid of storms.

Now....... fear has a new meaning to me....my fears are over whelming and consuming. I fear loss, I fear death, I fear the fact that I have no control over my life...no control what-so-ever. And it is the realization of this, that creates my biggest fear of all.

When you become a new mother...your mind naturally goes through times that you worry. You worry if you are providing what your child truely needs. You worry about germs..which leads you to constantly encourage those around you to sanitize their hands..Thus, I now have dozens of bottles of purell always within reach. You fear the day your child becomes sick.. or maybe gets a scratch or a bruise. All of these worries.. natural... and yet, understandable. But how do you deal with worry and fear that are outside of what people claim to be normal and acceptable?

Nights are difficult on their own... my mind ridden with thoughts of my father and how or IF I am ever going to be able to be as happy as I was before that day.... will my family ever feel complete again? Afterall, it took me a long time to ever gain what family I had ....just for it to be swept out from underneath me... abruptly....suddenly...and with utter cruelty...

Now a new fear has reared its ugly head....the fear of losing my baby..

I think back to the day I had Bennett... I am nervous and anxious, as any woman who is about to experience such a life changing event would be. Yet, the nervousness and anxiety, is outlined with a golden light of joy and excitement. I am vulnerable... completely open.... and uninhibited. I am worried of my son's safety.. and slightly of mine...As for everyone else... they never cross my mind. Not once did I have reason to believe that I should worry if my parents were safe.. or for that fact, alive..My husband is by my side... I am happy, fulfilled.. and finally, I feel complete.

...all is well...

Now... those feelings are gone...happiness comes and goes, I feel unfulfilled... and am I feeling complete? hardly. All because of my fear..

My fear that if I turn my back for one second...something may happen to my baby. Something that can hurt him..and honestly, i worry about something happening that would take HIM away from me... because maybe God doesn't think I've earned the right to keep such a wonderful child..

I'm just sitting here.... waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I fear falling asleep...my mind fears that sleep will bring with it unawareness.... the unawareness that could keep me from saving my child if he were to need me... I try to tell myself.. and I am fully aware that this is becoming a slight neurosis.... but how do I stop?

How can I fully let go and trust that all will be well...For, the very last time I did... my world fell to pieces...
Someone...tell me how....I am desperate for an answer....yet, I never seem to get one..

I think of this... and once again, I am taken back to that moment... the moment I knew..

I am laying in the hospital bed...slightly afraid.. my mind is racing.. it had been two hours since my parents had left...and I was enjoying the time with my son & my husband. The two loves of my life.
Josh gets up from beside me..."to go get a drink" he says...he promises me that he will be back soon.

I now remember noticing that his phone had kept ringing....over and over and over..I slightly wondered what that was about...but I brush it off as ordinary..The room is dark... and silent. I convince myself that I will nap until he returns.. and I lay there...with a feeling in my heart that something is not right...time passes...and the fear continues to grow.

A C-section takes a toll on your body. You can't reach for things, you can't sit up easily... and what I was soon to find out...you can't cry, or sob... because after all...it takes stomach muscles to do these things.. and mine had just been cut open.

Hours pass..and I am still alone...I try and try and try, in pain, to reach the phone laying on the table away from the bed.. because I am scared...my room is dark and silent.. and my husband has not come back...Finally, in tears, I get my hands close enough to the phone to grab it..and I start calling..

I call my husband..nothing.. I call my parent's house... nothing...I call my daddy...nothing... I call Josh's mom...and nothing...

Something is wrong....

The nurse comes in.... and I ask her for my baby... I beg her to bring him to me from the nursery.. I don't want to be alone... I want my son. I need my son......and i can tell her mind is struggling for an answer...for some excuse as to why he can't be brought to my room right now..

And the FEAR hits me....my baby is dead...I am sure of it...something is wrong with my sweet, beautiful, new baby boy...

I ask her to leave the door to my room open and to turn on the lights..for I am tired of sitting alone in the dark...my mind still racing..

It is soon after.. that I see a vision that I will NEVER get out of my mind..

Josh is first.. he is wearing a purple shirt and khaki pants...tears covering his face and streaming down his cheeks...he is shaking.... and FEAR CONSUMES ME....

my baby is dead........

Then I see doctors, nurses, and managers... all with the same look... and then I hear the sobbing.. coming from behind them...that is when I see my mother...wearing a white t-shirt and jeans...blood on her face and hands...she is being held up by someone...helping her take one step at a time...
Everyone enters my room... my mom says nothing...Josh comes to me and grabs my hand..and all I hear is this...
"Tommy.......honey..... tommy......there was an accident...." Josh pauses to catch his breath.. because he is sobbing. The last words I hear, I can still hear freshly in my mind...

"He didn't make it honey.....tommy..... deann, he's dead"

I sit there....in so much pain from wearing myself out earlier just trying to get to a phone.. I sit there and I stare at the wall in front of me.. 20 people in my room... and I can say nothing..All i want to do is break down and sob.... my heart feels as if it has stopped beating...but I can't. I physically can't because, after all, it takes stomach muscles to do that.... a lesson I wish didn't have to learn that day..

My dad is dead.... and I can't even fall apart like I want to....so I continue to stare at the wall... consumed with fear, that has now gained a whole new meaning...

When angels speak...

2009-10-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

A N G E L S

I've always been a firm believer of angels... they surround us everywhere we go...

They may not appear in the form that we are used to, the human form of our earthly world. Instead.. I believe that angels appear in the form of sun shining down on your face in a time of sorrow... a cool breeze blowing in your hair on a hot day when a lost loved one crosses your mind... or a feeling of warmth & serenity over your heart, when sadness seems to be trying to enter every thought...

After a one of my hardest nights... Our angel made sure to make his presence known through-out the day...

A few times a week... I go to the cemetary to visit my father...

I'm sure to some.. I appear like some crazy girl standing infront of a pile of dirt....laughing..crying... and even sometimes, out-right sobbing...

But I continue to stand there..... and then........ the words begin to come to me.. a little at a time...

I talk to my Daddy....I tell him what I am doing...

Yes, I stand there... with my baby... and I talk to him...I tell him of milestones with Bennett. The first time he smiled.. after calling Josh & my mom to spread the good news... Tommy crosses my mind...

For some uncontrollable reason.. for a split second.... just a tiny fraction of time..... my hand starts to dial his number...

but then I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember.... he won't be there. He won't answer his phone. He will not be on the other end.......I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF remember this.....

god... how pathetic does this sound....

but for some of you, one day..... you will find yourself doing the same thing... because, after-all, for so many years you called this person... for so many years ... and now, abrubtly, you MUST stop............... hard to grasp..... but like my sweet baby boy... i'm still learning how to use my new hands in this new world... and grasping an object such as this is not something I have quite mastered................... but still i try........

So it was at that moment.. I get into my car... with my newly smiling baby.. and I drive to the cemetary to visit my Daddy... to TELL HIM that our little Bennett just smiled at me... for the very first time....

there is a part of me that believes that he can still hear me...
then there is the other part of me that likes to show up during my "visits" to tell me that I am crazy for talking to someone who is dead.. like he is actually going to hear what I have to say.

But for the day... I brushed that negative thought to the side... because Tommy and I had A LOT of catching up to do............ I tell him about Bennett, how he continues to grow so fast, and how every time I realize how fast he is growing.. my heart breaks a little more... I tell him about Mom, and how every day she misses him more and more......Then I start to cry... because my heart literally feels like it is going to fall right out of my chest....

I ask him why....... why can't you be here... with us......why can't you be here to help us raise this little boy with the kindness and gentleness that you always showed me... it was you, who was going to teach Bennett how to be a true gentleman...because after all, you always were... every second of every day.... and never once did you falter.....

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR JOB..... you PROMISED me...YOU PROMISED..

I remember it being cloudy... It was hot and cloudy... and as I started to sob... I felt a cool breeze blow across me.... Bennett is laying his head on my shoulder.....and I whisper into his ear... "grandaddy is saying hello"......

and he smiles.... my sweet sleeping baby smiles.....and I know, that he can feel it too...

I gather my composure... say my goodbyes... and as I am walking to my car...the clouds break for a few moments... and the sun shines on us.... and I am certain that he is saying "goodbye...until next time...."

I want so desperately for all of this to be a dream.. something that is not real, that I am not having to experience.... this was supposed to be our year...... the best year yet..

A new baby to bring joy into a family that was ridden with past heartbreak and losses.. that seem to somehow always occur on or near holidays......Tommy's mother passed away right before christmas...... My grandfather started dying on new years eve night. and finally took his last breaths on the morning of January 1st........

With all of this...... it seems as if every year.... we would all be happy to see that year go.. and welcome a new year in.... because optimism forced us to believe.. that THIS YEAR would be the best... a new beginning...... a fresh start... filled with happiness and finally, a feeling of a completed family again.

but optimism also kept us blind to the reality, that we would have no control over the future events unseen....

All of this may seem morbid to some... but that is their opinion... and until they experience what I have experienced.. they can judge me all they want...because I know in the back of my mind that one day... they too will be in my shoes... probably not in the exact same way... but enough to maybe see and understand why I feel the things I feel or do the things I do...

Yesterday... Bennett was sitting in his swing..... smiling..something that he has become quite the expert at these days....... And he looked up, as if someone was standing above, looking over him...and he smiled.... The big eyed... wide mouth grin.... that I wish so much, Tommy could see...

And at that moment.. I heard a voice in my mind telling me to look over to the picture on the table at the end of my couch.... and when I do..... I see what God is wanting me to see...

A picture of the first time Tommy ever laid his eyes on Bennett..... The baby is wrapped up, laying in a hospital bassinet.. and my daddy is leaning over him....With a smile that was like no other smile I had seen on his face before...

it was at this moment that I knew... and realized.. that before he was to be taken away later that day... Tommy was already preparing to stand over Bennett... and be his guardian angel...

so of course I believe in angels... for lately.... I am visited by one every day....

The First time Tommy saw Bennett

When you dread the night...

2009-10-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

N I G H T...

it used to be something that I welcomed with open arms... it meant sleeping in my bed, cuddling with my husband, or being wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching tv with my dog. Yes, the simple pleasures that I took for granted, not realizing that they could actually be "taken" from me..

not in the physical form..... but taken from me in a way that they are no longer what they used to be...

Sleeping in my bed doesnt occur that often... I'm either walking the halls because of this new found insomnia.. which i've been told "Can sometimes be a part of the greiving process", wishing that Bennett would wake up so i'd have something to do or I'm rocking and nursing a beautiful baby boy,when i'm finally exhausted enough that I wish he'd go back to sleep.. so you see, once again i'm handed the good and the bad at the same time... makes it hard to enjoy one or cope with the other...

spending time with my husband is hard to do now.... he works continuously... day in and out.... and I am at home...with a Golden Retriever and a 9 week old baby...they don't carry very good serious adult conversation, i've tried... with only blank stares resulting.... as if they are trying to say, "yes mother, please continue".....

By the time Josh gets home I have 1,000 things I just want to say and talk about and discuss... and all it takes is one look and I can tell that he is too tired and all he really wants to do is eat dinner, take a shower, and go to bed (remember: which is a place I more than likely will not be). But I respect him so much for working hard for his family... I don't complain often to him, and i try to remind him that my "complaints" are really just pleas for more time together.. Especially now, when I feel so vulnerable and devestated and honestly, just flat out CONFUSED

Josh tries so hard to be 100% for his wife and 100% for his job, but sometimes one has to give... and I love him with all of my heart... so I can wait...

"The Man" of MY family now..... I tell myself.... he also has a new burden on his shoulders since losing Tommy. My grandmother, my mother, myself, and a 9 week old baby boy.. all now look to him for direction and guidance. Whether it be his opinion on something that needs to be done at my parents house.. or when Bennett is crying and is looking to Josh to be consoled... He too has to learn his new life....

So for the night.. I figure we will learn this new life together, and I give up on the 1,000 things I had planned on saying...besides, that is when I begin to think about my mother. Home alone. with no one ever coming home at night for her to talk to. And that is when the Guilt starts to take me over. I feel guilt for wanting more of my husband, when sometimes I feel like I should just be glad that he is alive....I feel guilty when there are moments between us that can only exist between two people who love each other so much.. and i'm reminded..for my sweet loving mother.... these moments are over for her.. and I can't even enjoy being happy.. because I feel guilt...

the night brings with it a silence and loneliness that before was never a problem... Friends are home, everyone is in bed...that's when Night brings time to think about things and dwell on things. Before you know it.. you're crying again and feel like you've fallen back to square one..

Great..... just when i was really doing so well.....

Often times this is made prevelant when I am nursing Bennett.. It's just me and him (sometimes Remy is on the floor) and we are rocking in the dark... I look down at him and I'm filled with a sense of peace. His perfect round face and his little lips and nose.. all beautifully placed by the hands of God. I take him in... every aspect of him.....and I am truely blessed. It is these moments that I cling so tightly to.. these moments during the night are what help to get me through the dark.

But then something creeps in.. and I am reminded... that Tommy is not here to appreciate those things... I start thinking about how he would love to see Bennett's face when he looks at you with big round eyes and a huge smile.. He would be so proud and excited over every small thing right along with me....after all Bennett was his first baby too....

Tommy got me when I was 9... the baby days had long been gone..

Bennett was supposed to be ours to share and experience together.. we had already talked about how nice it was going to be this year during the holidays.. because since his dad had died at the age of 54 from cancer.. and after losing his mother a few years ago..Tommy was FINALLY looking foward to thanksgiving and christmas again. He couldn't wait to shop for Bennett... and teach him all the things about Santa Clause that he needed to know... but now I am back to reality.. and am reminded that this will never happen... and my heart wants to break into a million pieces and I want to cry and fall on the floor into a puddle and just melt away...

..and we begin the cycle of bitter-sweet moments again.

So, while everyone is home asleep or with their families... at night..... I am quietly struggling with a constant high and low of feelings...

cry.....pray.......cry.......pray....... become angry..... pray..... get angry for praying to God when i find it hard to trust in him...then pray again for relief from this constant turmoile..and when the relief comes.....i cry......

Starting over....

2009-10-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

So...

where to start from here..... it has been quite a while since I have even thought about this blog, let alone posted anything...from the last time I wrote something until today..my life has been flipped around, turned inside out, folded up, and then handed to me written in a completely different plan than "the original".

We moved finally moved into our house.. and I have to say, after all of our hard work, it feels good. Really good to have a home. A home that I could bring my son to and say this is it, your place of security and safety..

But honestly.. I'd rater just skip all of the casual updates and get down to the one that really matters. My life, I feel, has turned into something resembling a movie, one that i never asked to be casted in. But, that's whatI get for thinking I had a choice. For actually believing that I control what happens...I thought I had learned to really give it all up to God.. but I have found that I was completely wrong and hadnt even come close to learning what it TRUELY is to just throw your hands up and say "Well, it's all up to you"... and REALLY have a full understanding of what that means.

Until Now..

The best day of my life and the worst all rolled into one.. happening only a little over 12 hours apart...

Josh has been asking me lately when I would start posting to my blog again... And up until today.. I really had no intentions of doing so. After all, what would I say? I guess I could continue to post little updates here and there about this and that... yet... it leaves the big grey elephant just sitting beside me... and that gets me no where.

Last night was one of "those nights"..anyone who has ever experienced the loss of someone very close to them will understand what I mean by that. A night where you are exhausted but your heart and your mind keep you awake. Tears easily come and go... and still you feel, just , empty...

I began looking on the internet for blogs,resources, or ANYTHING that ANYONE had to say about experiencing such a tragedy and coping with it. All I wanted was some consolation that someone out there, knew or understood, what I was going through..

yet I continue to come up with nothing..

So that was when I decided that I would start to blog again...yet this time, I hope that by doing so not only will I help my heart to begin healing..but maybe, just maybe, there will be someone out there who needs to read and feel comforted knowing that they arent alone during their greif and glory all rolled into one.

I plan on being completely honest with myself and what I write.. if I am angry, I will be angry.. if I am sad. I will be sad... and if I am happy.. I will allow myself to be happy and not feel guilty about it...

I have jumped onto the biggest rollercoaster of emotions that anyone could never hope to experience. But all I can do it strap my seatbelt on and hope for the best.

crazy...

2009-10-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

I found the post below saved in my "drafts" section from July... I guess I got busy and forgot about it...

Crazy now looking back and realizing how right I was about Bennett coming early... something God was telling me I guess....

Too bad I didn't know that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train heading straight towards me...

More updates later...

Obviously.. I will have a lot to say.....

It's Been a While...

2009-07-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy past few months...

Hard to believe it is the end of July and the official count down has truely started. Last sunday marked week 32 of the pregnancy... meaning that IF i carry full term.. we have only a mere 8 weeks left... and I highly mean IF... dont know why, but something tells me this little man isn't going to wait until the middle of september to make his debut. I'm praying that we make it to at least 37 weeks. I want to make sure that the moment I have him, his little lungs will be strong enough to fill with air and scream loudly...

Baby Roberson is still laying sideways.. his head is on my right side and at times he will stretch out and I can feel him so closely... it's those moments that I sit there and just rub his head and talk to him... I'm pretty sure to someone looking from the outside in, I appear to be crazy... but to me.. it's all reassuring.... It is when he is at his most active, that I can rub his head and speak to him and he quiets down for a while (maybe this will carry over?).

Living in our new house is simply amazing! The 8 months of hard work on it definitely paid off. There are still a few things that need to be done (like finishing the laundry room), but hey.. who needs a washer & a dryer??? I've made numerous threats to Josh that if it isn't done by the time the baby is born... he will have a very upset wife.

Swelling is becoming a problem... I can't stand on my feet longer than 10 minutes without them starting to look like elephant legs. Not only is it ugly.... but very painful too.... BUT.. we don't have that much longer to worry about it....

The count down has started.. and the light at the end of the tunnel is shining brightly.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/my_shared?z=3bcfb8e731b056eba37358&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Busy Busy Busy

2009-06-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

We have been busy little bees lately.... Since graduation, I dont think I've truely had a day off (except my memorial day vacation!). We have been working on the house non-stop trying to get in as soon as we can. But it has all paid off... looks like we'll be moving in by next week!!!!
So the next few days will continue to stay busy... gas lines being put down.. toilets installed... painting the nursery.. etc etc... But I am very excited to say the least. All will be ready for our little bug when he decides to show up.

Remy has enjoyed his visits over to the new house as well... his largest task right now is learning how to go up and down the large stair case.... he's never had to do this before and it is all very scary to him.. So I take him a few times a week to "practice". I think he is getting the hang of things.

I have my first baby shower coming up this sunday. I am very excited about it and appreciate all of the thought and work that has gone into planning it. It will be a very special day I am sure. The past few baby showers I have been to have been special to me as well.... so I can only imagine when it is your own how meaningful it can be.

I will try to post pictures of the house soon... such a huge difference from when we first started.. almost a brand new house.

Write more soon... have a blessed night!

So much happening in such a little time

2009-05-09T20:15:00.001-07:00

It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything... but not to worry, the time away has not been in vain. I GRADUATED!!! Finally after years of hard work through college... I can proudly say I have earned my nursing degree! Friday, May 8th 2009, was a very special night for not only me, but my family and friends as well. 71 of us who have worked endless nights, days, weekends, and holidays away from our normal lives are certainly glad to have a little sanity back.

However, it was very bittersweet. My fellow nursing students have become like my family... we spent every day together for a few years and now, to have to say Goodbye is one of the hardest things ive done. It's strange when you walk away for the last time...a little part of you gets left behind.... A very joyous, happy, occasion for me and my family...yet, a part of me felt sad.. I will miss so many of these people....

One of the most special parts of Friday night was looking out and seeing my family there. Seeing how proud my parents were.. and seeing the smile on Memama's face. I knew she was so happy... And seeing Bert & Jennifer & Heather.... it made my heart feel so heavy with love and appreciation of the meaning behind true friendships...But it was my husband that I know is truley feeling the most proud of what WE have accomplished. For all of these years of hard-work... I could have never done this without him. He has pushed me when I needed pushing...and held me during the nights of frustration... he always told me to keep going when the times came that I wanted to quit.

So to you, Josh, I owe it all... Thank you.

Being a NURSE means

You will never be bored.

You will always be frustrated.

You will be surrounded by challenges.

So much to do and so little time.

You will carry immense responsibility

and very little authority.

You will step into people's lives

and you will make a difference.

Some will bless you.

Some will curse you.

You will see people at their worst...

and at their best.

You will never cease to be amazed

at people's capacity for love, courage, and endurance.

You will see life begin...and end.

You will experience resounding triumphs

And devastating failures.

You will cry a lot.

You will laugh a lot.

You will know what it is to be human

and to be humane.

Sweet Baby Boy

2009-04-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

Rubbing his sleepy face
It's a boy!! And he isn't modest

So this is the little foot that keeps kicking me..

Today was the big day!! And how exciting it was... God finally revealed to us our sweet baby boy. After many minutes of looking at his heart, brain, spinal cord, etc.. Sarah (our ultrasound technician) finally told us that is was impossible to hide. There was my little boy... laying in all of his glory.. legs spread wide open! Josh of course, is not suprised that it was obviously visable (make of that what you will), I had to laugh...

As usual, I always have a funny story that I have to tell after we have an ultrasound... After sucking his thumb.. pulling on his umbilical cord.. and playing with his feet... Our baby boy decided to wrap his little hands around his little boy parts and hold them for a few minutes.. Josh smiled from ear to ear.. I turned a little red... already trying to embarass mommy.. Boys will be boys.

And to remind us that he is the boss... as soon as Josh went to get my parents to come in and see his son... Little bug rolled over on his tummy and crossed his legs... but this time.. all it took was a little poking and prodding on my stomach.. and he opened up for a few more seconds..

Then he yawned and fell asleep... What a wonderful afternoon... I am so in love my house full of boys.

Roberson & James Family Photo Shoot!

2009-04-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

Our Family

Carrying HIGH Carrying LOW

We love you so much little bug...Hard to believe you'll be here soon.

Love is a beautiful expression... What a blessing

No other place to put your hand huh Bert?

My Belly is BIGGER than YOURS

Laughter makes the "sunshine" bright..Jennifer,Bert, and their sunshine

Part of the enjoyment of being pregnant with some of your best friends is watching each other grow! I can't imagine enjoying being pregnant more with anyone other than Jennifer. With the funny comparisons of baby bellies and sharing stories, I am sure this is just the beginning of a long road of fun. After church on Sunday, we decided it would be fun to take a few Easter pictures. The best part about doing this, is next year, instead of bellies.. it will be babies dressed in their outfits for their first Easter. I can't wait! Our husbands, Josh & Bert, constantly keep me laughing... You can look at their faces and tell how happy and excited they are... We have only just begun! So here is a look into our Roberson-James Easter Family Photo Shoot 2009.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter everyone! Today is an important holiday, not because of the treats and egg hunts, but because of the real reason behind today. We need to remember the resurection of Christ and look to today as a new beginning. For some who have had a rough start to their year, or maybe just a life they dont feel completely fulfilled in, now is the time to start over. Think of today as your "get out of jail" free card, or as the day you get to "pass Go".

Church was wonderful as it usually is. Steve gave a great sermon full of lessons that we should all take to heart. The best point that I took from today was "Long walk, part of gift"... this came from a story about a little boy that had given a gift to a missionary, a shell from a beach far away. When she asked the little boy about this shell, he told her, "Long walk, part of gift". This is exactly how we should think of Jesus' journey for us. A long walk... of hurt, pain, and suffering.. that eventually led to crucifixion... and this is, part of our gift from him. Forgiveness, faith, and love...A few things that I surely have needed today. When things come up that we don't understand.. or things that we question.. It's important to remember that it is out of our control.. and simply place them in God's hands. People make decisions that we can't always figure out, decisions that to us, seem selfish and un-waranted.. but once again, God will protect and heal all. Afterall, it is his will that is done...

What a wonderful gift we receive.. and it fits nicely amongst the chocolate bunnies and easter eggs that we find in our baskets.

Today marks week 17 of our pregnancy.. almost half-way there!! It's very exciting, especially feeling our little bug float and move around... reminds me that I'm truely not alone.. I enjoy having a little friend with me at all times. Next monday, April 20th, we will try to find out what little gift God has sent us, and if this gift will come wrapped in a pink or blue bow! But it's up to the little one to cooperate. Maybe this time, God will decide it is time... but if not... We will still be all smiles..

Since this is a gift from God... it doesn't matter what color bow he decides to use... as long as he wraps it up in a nice little box, disguised as baby.

Bats Go to Church Too!

2009-04-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

In light of an interesting Sunday at church, I have posted a list of fun facts about Bats for the reading pleasure of others.... After getting Bats out of my house, little did I know that they would take over God's house as well..... But... It makes for an interesting coversation....

ps- Thank you to our dear friend Bert James, who hid his secret skill of catching bats from us while we tried for weeks to get Bats out of our house... Way to go Bert. Because of you, the church is now safe again!

BAT FACTS TO THROW AROUND AT PARTIES

-bats can live up to 30 years

-bats are warm blooded

-bats nurse their babies with milk

-But bats are very special mammals. They are the only mammals that can fly (without an airplane!) Flying squirrels are mammals too, but they don't really fly. They jump from high in a tree glide through the air like a kite.

-Bats feed at night (they are "nocturnal") and spend the day sleeping in caves or in tree tops...or as i've found... attics in houses... or churches..

-The place where a bat sleeps is called its "roost".

-Bats hang UPSIDE DOWN from their roosts when they sleep.

-Although some bats roost in groups of only one or two, for the most part bats are very sociable animals. They usually sleep together in huge groups.

-Some caves may be home to thousands of bats. The largest bat colony in the world is in Bracken Cave, Texas. During the summer, this cave is home to as many as 20 MILLION Mexican free-tailed bats. That's a LOT of bats!

-During spring, bats return from migration or awaken from hibernation and the females begin having baby bats called "pups".

-Bat pups are tiny when born, but grow up fast. Some species are flying and hunting on their own within a month of birth.

-Bats, like people, usually only have one baby at a time although on occasion they'll have twins.

-Pups are born without hair -- they look tiny, scrawny and pink. They drink milk from their mothers like all mammals do. They are born with strong legs and claws because they have to hang on to mom when she's roosting and to the cave when she's not there. If the baby looses its grip and falls, it will die.

-Bats don’t ‘carry’ rabies, however, they are capable of catching the disease just like any other mammal. Less than one-half of one percent of bats actually contract the disease. In reality, more people die annually from contact with household pets than have died from contact with bats in all recorded history. This doesn’t mean that it’s okay to touch or handle bats, as they may be afraid and bite in self-defense

-bats will eat up to 1200 mosquitos an hour!

*** To find out how to help bats in your area visit www.batcon.org ***

One..Two..Three... GROW

2009-04-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

Picture 1

Picture 2

Picture 3

I guess I didn't realize how much I have started showing my little love until I looked back at pictures from the beginning...All I can say is.... OH MY GOODNESS.... I'm going to have a big baby..After all, as Jennifer reminded me the other day... I have kind of struck out on BOTH sides... Not only did I weigh almost 10 pounds, but Josh was around 9 pounds..

Thank YOU to Tracy and Vickie... but oh well, I always liked the idea of a baby with little chubby rolls and twelve chins....So..Yay! Here is to big babies and round bellies... may we be reminded that they are a blessing and something to be proud of!!

Date Night!

2009-03-31T14:53:00.001-07:00

I am very excited about tonight...

Josh and I have started to establish a special night each week that we set aside just to spend time with eachother. I think it is so important that once you have a baby, that you don't become completely consumed in the "mommy & daddy" roles and remember your "husband & wife" role too.

Today, Marley&Me came out on dvd, so josh and I are going to settle in for the night.. watch a movie.. and eat dinner.

No phones.. no interuptions...

Just good, quality, time together! Can't wait!!!

Another Roberson set in their ways..

2009-03-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

Almost 5 inches long... and weighing in at 4 ounces.... Already growing so fast...
Sucking its little thumb.... Josh laughed because it sticks out its pinky like he does

Good news today!!! Another Roberson who seems to be stubborn and set in their ways!!

Today is begins week 15 of our pregnancy and another peek into the unknown world of baby. After waking up early to make our 8:30am appointment at the doctor's office, Josh and I were excited and full of anticipation of what might be to come.

The first thing I noticed is that the baby's heart rate has slowed down slightly from 163 to a still very healthy 150. It is crazy how the sound of the little "whoosh whoosh whoosh" still brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart jump with excitement. Seeing the look on my husband's face is still just as sweet to me as it was on the very first day I told him of the little arrival to come.

Our doctor decided that he would like to do an ultrasound today and just give us a quick check-up of our little one and how it was progressing. I had told Josh before that during the 11 week ultrasound our baby had grown irritated with the pushing and prodding of the ultrasound probe and had quickly flipped over on its stomach to hide and show it's frustration with the whole situation! However, I was sure that this time would be different and the little one would cooperate with everyone and show the world what it had to offer.....

It wasn't very long after Sarah (our ultrasound tech) had placed the probe on my tummy that the sight of baby roberson quickly appeared on the tv screen mounted on the wall... There it was... laying on its back, sprawled out..... kicking and stretching and practicing all of its little motions.... Until it became tired of being pushed around... and it happened!!! The baby decided to flip over on its little fat belly... yet this time..... it decided to cross its ankles and close its legs too....

So much for finding out today if I would be buying pink or blue.... All I could do was laugh.... Here we go again.... God has a good sense of humor... and this definitely proved that once again... Almost as if to say... "not on your time... but on mine"

I was glowing... but more so... Josh was the proudest father I could even imagaine.... The look on his face was worth more than I could ever explain.... and as crazy as it sounds... it was at this moment.. I realized...there IS A WAY to possibly love him even more... There I was, with the love of my life... and the life we had created... all together... in a special moment that can never be replaced....

And as for my love for my child...How can you love someone so much that you havent even met yet? I have yet to figure that out... but already, I would give my life for the safety of this blessing...

What a good way to put a smile on your face.

Hypo-Allergenic.... new word in my vocabulary

2009-03-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official....

Josh took Remy to the vet yesterday. For a while we had noticed Remy was always itching and scratching. After looking for hours and NEVER finding a flea, I came to my own conclusions, being the dermatologist that I am..... Psoriasis.
Okay... so maybe it wasnt THAT bad.. but it was starting to bother me a little. We tried oatmeal baths and brushing on a schedule(all to no avail). I had tried to convince Josh that cheap food just doesnt work the same as some as the higher quality foods. Yet, there was no persuading him that Red Nuggets might not have the same nutritional value as Nutro.

UNTIL YESTERDAY

Around 11 am I get a phone call from my beloved husband, filling me in on ALL of the allergies Remy apparently might have (I KNEW IT!). There was now a strict regimn of diets and vitamins, along with special hollistic shampoos and sprays that we would need to use if we didn't want our little Golden Retriever to loose all of his skin.

Josh the worried father.... Deann.... the laughing mother...

OF COURSE remy would have food allergies to corn meal and every other filler dog food companies use... Of course he would need special shampoos and sprays with Aloe and Vit E.
After all, we already own another dog with known separation anxiety and nervous issues (he lost all of his hair when Josh& I went on vacation and lost 4 of his 15 pounds... after he peed all over the crate everytime we left). SO TO ME, this had a little humor in it that I'm not quite sure Josh has found yet...

But until he does...... I'll keep a concerned look on my face everytime we give Remy a bath with his prescription shampoo, or hand him his special hypo-allergenic treats. Then i'll just sneak around the corner and laugh a little bit... because after all, you can't ever take life too seriously.. or you may end up with Psoriasis.

When GOD had made the earth and sky
the flowers and the trees,
He then made all the animals and the birds and bees.
And when His work was finished and not one was quite the same,
He said "I'll walk this earth of mine and give each one a name".
And so He traveled land and sea and everywhere He went,
a little creature followed Him until it's strength was spent.
When all were named upon the earth
and in the sky and sea,
the little creature said: "Dear Lord, there's no name left for me!".
The Father smiled and softly said,
"I've left you to then end,
I've turned my own name back to front
and called you "DOG", my friend."

Introducing my little love

2009-03-02T11:29:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have not met the little bug yet... here it is...

I have posted a picture from 7 weeks... and now one from 11 weeks taken today. The baby has grown SEVEN times bigger than it was before.

*Memama, I miss you and can't wait to see you and for you to meet the baby!!

Taking the time...

2009-03-01T13:48:00.001-08:00

It's crazy how busy life can get, the days seem to pass by before you know it. With school, work, and the other day-t0-day aspects of life, time seems to slip away.

Today marks the 11th week of our pregnancy (only one more week to go before we are out of the 1st trimester! It seems like yesterday this all began. I'm sure that the next 29 weeks will go by too soon. I try to stop and appreciate every aspect of this adventure. As a woman, if you pay attention to your body and how easily things change... the whole process will amaze you. Tomorrow marks another doctor's appointment that I am looking foward to. Just a simple check-up is enough to put my mind at ease for another 4 weeks. Hearing the heartbeat is always a wonderful feeling... it's like a little nudge that, "hey! this is still happening." What a blessing...

Even though there is a lot going on with the baby, I am still taking the time, if not more so now, to try and strengthen my relationship with God. I find that the more I pray and focus on living my life by his word, that things seem to fall together with a lot more ease than before. I wake up looking foward to reading a devotional or taking time for prayer. It's a beautiful thing, once you let God in, he comes in full-force. The hardest part of getting to this point is as our minister said today "having the self-confidence to do so". There is so much truth and light to what he says. It is sometimes hard for us to believe that giving up control of our lives and handing it over to someone else is the best thing to do. Especially since human-nature tells us to strive to gain more control everyday.
But this is what makes the love of God so beautiful. It isnt easy to ask for and it isn't easy to accept. Yet, once you get a feeling for it, It is the easiest thing to want to be a part of. You will realize that without him, you can never be the person he created you to be. I owe this to much more than church attendance and weekly bible studies (although they have played a huge part). The love from Him that I have grown to strive for was created through the love, forgiveness, and caring from friends and family. When you see how those around you touched by God can always see the best in you, it causes you to want to seek out that relationship with him as well.

I encourage everyone to stop for a brief moment to think about what has been given unto you. Thank those around you who accept you for who you are. And try to let the Love he has for you, make its way into your heart.

I promise, you'll be glad you did.

It never hurts to gain a friend, and for some of us, a Father.

2009-02-15T05:43:00.000-08:00

It wasn't long ago that Remy was just a little ball and 9 pounds of fur. Now, weighing in at 70 pounds, Remy continues to grow and grow. However, his mind isnt...in his world he is still a little puppy with lap privelages and a spot in the bed...(maybe that's still true).

We are all now just waking up.. Remy is walking around with his tail wagging and creating a loud THUD everytime it comes into contact with a piece of furniture. I often wonder if that hurts... but he continues to wag with enthusiasm, so maybe not.

Life as a Dog....Sleep, Eat, go outside, Sleep, Sleep.......chase a bug.

2009-02-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

Sumerlin Grace Roberson - my little buddy.

Chocolate, Movies, and Candy Land.

2009-02-14T12:06:00.001-08:00

What a good day!

Finally, a day to rest and lay around. Even though there hasnt been much accomplished today, it has been a busy day to say the least. Starting at 9am, I went to Josh's mom's house to visit with her and Sumerlin (my niece). You have never seen bursts of endless energy and fun until you spend the day with a 5 year old. But she is growing so fast! Her heart is so big and she shows so much pure and innocent love... I know I love her like my own. We are getting ready to go make chocolate chip cookies.... it's crazy how we forget the small things that used to make us so excited when we were small... I feel like a child again!!

I'm still feeling very good... I have no complaints and the baby seems to continue to grow strong and fast. Each couple of days I try to read books, articles, and magazines to keep me up-to-date on how my little one is progressing. They are all telling me that at this time (9weeks), the baby is an inch long AT LEAST and the arms are now long enough that the baby can touch its own face. I can't help but smile thinking about all of that... It also looks more like a real person now instead of a little foriegn creature ( I know that puts Josh at ease). I feel like baby must be extra-happy today, it got a special treat when Sumerlin and I sat down and had chocolate icecream. She is already telling me how she is going to help feed it and give it a bath, and then when the baby gets older, she is going to teach it how to play... She is going to be such a good "sister"- as she calls herself. Can't wait to find out!!!

Robersons + 1

2009-02-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

Life wont always be picture-perfect or timed to our specification. Yet, I've come to realize that every breath we take and every gift we receive, comes from GOD. Today as I was walking outside, I could feel the sun shining and the wind blowing. All things that we take for granted too often. I then stopped to thank God for giving me so many blessings in life. One coming in September... a beautiful baby...

My, how life will change. Yet, this is such a welcomed change. Everyday I live is no longer about myself. Every action I take or feeling I experience will now be shared with a little one. A little one growing more and more everyday.... Amazing... the only word for things to come...

Introducing....... REMY!

2009-02-11T17:55:00.000-08:00

Here he is, THE golden retriever.

Pastimes: Looking innocent

Cuddling on the couch

Seeing how many toys I can fit into my mouth

Chewing my mommy's shoes and hiding them.

Finding socks that disappeared months ago.

Finding water and laying in it.

Making sure I greet EVERYONE with extreme enthusiasm and growling sound that sounds like Chubaka.

First Day

2009-02-11T16:05:00.001-08:00

So,

Today I finally decided to join the world of blogging! After reading many friend's blogs, I've come to realize how this makes it so easy for family and friends to keep in touch with how things are going. I promise many suprises and laughs!! Wish me luck! I'm new at this.......